Friday, November 13, 2009 - 3:00 AM

And its over. Or well, it was over yesterday. Except I don't know what or how to feel. I don't really feel anything. Its so odd. Now its just the wait for the results.

Oh and, im in a serious need of a job. Plus money. Ballet.. Ah. Emily's going overseas next week though.. Hmmm.

Sigh.
What have I done.

Labels: Argh, Early morning rants, her words, just another part of memories, random random, school, terrors of the life

Sunday, October 25, 2009 - 11:53 PM

Goodbye world. Hello O Levels.

Dear Big Daddy,

I ask of you to grant me strength, wisdom, a clarity of mind, peace and serenity as well as perserverance and determination as I run my very last race for this year. Lord I ask of you to help me through this hurdle and keep me safe from harm. Take me away from all temptations and Father, help me not to sin. Continue to guide me Lord, and help me to prosper in each and every area of my life. Father I ask of you to continue watching over me, my family and friends and I ask for your blessing upon each and every one of us.

In Jesus's most loving name I pray,
Amen.

I feel. I don't know what I feel.

Hello O Levels. I really dread you but the time has come, and I am FACING YOU.
Goodbye cyberworld. Goodnight.

Labels: just another part of memories, school, terrors of the life, thankyous

Wednesday, October 14, 2009 - 11:00 PM

HAPPY 23RD BIRTHDAY TO LEE DONG HAE :)

Yes, Korea's an hour ahead of us as well. Honestly, I cannot really be bothered to tell you who he is, other than that he's a member of Super Junior, a 13-strong Korean boy group -under the influence of LQ, yes- and that he's an awesome dancer :) Well he does have many talents as well..but you know me, boys who can dance and dances are just..Hot :) His christian/english name is Aiden. Interesting eh? Haha. Anyway, Happy Birthday to him :)

O's are in about 10+ days time. Sigh, I have NOT started mugging yet. How horrible. And I don't have time.. plus we're graduating this Friday. Finally, but..its a bittersweet feeling I suppose. Ah. Plus it'll be the last time im wearing my blazer attire. Ah well.

Father bought me an Ipod Touch 32GB. Finally, I have a MUSIC PLAYER WITH SPACE. Sadly, my current notebook's software is too old to support itunes. I used mummy's but she has an Ipod too, so she deleted my whole library after I was done. Now im just waiting to get a new SOLID WORKING notebook so that I can re-upload my files proper, as well as start doing things with it :) Nothing illegal no. Miss designing, a little. Though now I really MUST be a nerd..ahh. Jiayou me.

Shall go off now. Must.

Happy Birthday you! :)

I hope you're staying strong. God I pray he'll be safe and well.

This is a year of change.

Warm and fuzzy feeling. More than just butterflies in my tummy. I wasn't breathing.

Labels: her words, just another part of memories, Korean, Pretty Boys, school, terrors of the life, thankyous

Sunday, September 13, 2009 - 4:22 AM

1. Fantasising is bad. It keeps my mind off studies.
2. Fantasising is bad. It CAN MAKE ME CRY.
3. Fantasising is bad. Its so scary because I make it so real.
4. Fantasising is bad. Reality check.
5. Fantasising is bad. BUT I CANNOT HELP IT.

LEE QING. I feel like blaming you for introducing me to you know what and who. Now I know im so obsessed, its scaring me. Everytime I close my eyes, his face comes into view. I can't even eat my dinner properly. Not that I always have my dinner anyway, but. ARGH. I need to stop sleeping after 6AM in the morning already.. Then again, school starts tomorrow. Sigh. I can't believe I have school from 745am-9pm tomorrow onwards until my O's. That's pure murder. Slow torture but..ahhh. I haven't done my holiday assignments. So so screwed. I just hope I will accomplish more than just something later on when I meet LQ for our study date. I must make it purely study. No way shall I even look at her ipod. I can't even lock my notebook up since i'll need it for charging purposes. I need to be a nerd. Its the last stretch, and I need to stop giving excuses, stop procrastinating and get a move on. Gosh. I hope telling myself will eventually do me some good.

AND I REALLY REALLY NEED A MUSIC PLAYER. And money. So I can actually start studying in peace. Pshh.

Anyway, I thought i'll wrap up this week's outings in this entry before I stop blogging for a while. Ehhh. I don't recall Monday. Oh right. I was sick, so I spent 3/4 of the day sleeping, then I met my father for dinner. Tuesday, went out with Gabriel -acsi- to Bugis, tried to trick him into choosing a tee which I could then buy for his birthday, but failed. No size :( Thennn. Wednesday was spent hoping I would actually do some school work but failed too. Though I did manage to do some organising with my notes and all. Im just left with my sciences and Chinese to tidy up. Oh right, Literature too. At least I don't have notes lying around the house anymore :) Thursday, went out with Benedict.H to PS, caught Aliens In The Attic. Carter Jenkins is pretty cute, haha. Ehh. He brought me to the arcade where we played the basketball shooting hoops game and House Of The Dead 4. We were supposed to have a challenge to who would get a better score at shooting the zombies but it ended up as just me playing 'cause his controller couldn't work halfway through. Which led to my arm accumulating lots of lactic acid. Friday was spent..sleeping. And then I went out for dinner with mummy. Yesterday was well, 3/4 of the day spent sleeping. Then I got ready for Farewell Fest 'o9. To be honest, im not sure if its called FF but thats what we called it last year so..yeah. Drama Graduation Night. Lots of fun haha. Lots of photos, dancing and all. They did a 'red carpet' for us too. Awesome juniors. Check my facebook photos soon if you want to see me in short hair, heh. Suprisingly, we didn't cry this year. I guess most of the crying was done after SYF haha. Ah well. Anyway, after the 'party', I went off first with Ra to Starbucks, got Caramel Frapp :) and then I went over to her house for a few hours before cabbing home. And im currently not speaking to my mother and I won't either to my sister for they broke their promise of helping me with my make-up for the party, heh. Seriously, I was really sad and disappointed. It wasn't that I couldn't do it on my own, I just wanted them to be there to give me some assurance. Im not confident, im self-conscious and I always need some sort of approval. Which is a bad thing, but yeah. Working on it. And all my sister could say was sorry because my mother forced her to stay with her at my gran's. Its so. NONSENSICAL. I got so pissed I cried. Im such a crybaby. Horrible, right? But yeah. The thought of being home alone when I know there should be people at home, sucks. I hate the feeling. Unless if I was living on my own, thats a totally different story. Sigh. I want to make the best of the remaining years, but. Its so hard. I don't see why I always have to be the one giving in. Then again, I am the daughter..but. ARGH, you know? Oh gosh. I don't know myself. Im just hoping all goes well as time goes by. I really need to mature more I suppose. So many things are happening in my life right now, its like I don't have time to catch a breath. Its all binding me such that I cannot breathe. Well, I find it really difficult to breathe. And I mean it, literally. Its so frustrating too. Im really really tired. I need to make a life for myself. I really need to. I know I do. Ohh..

But anyway. Its 4:12AM now. I should sleep. Meeting LQ at 11am. Please please please. Study.

I do hope im doing a good job not liking you. Im trying my very best. Please don't make me feel touched again and again. Its scary. Really, scary.

AND I REALLY NEED A MUSIC PLAYER. Oh yeah, my father owes me one. Darn. I hope I can get one soon. In dire need. And earphones too. My earphones love to die on me. Then again, it seems like im really bad with techs. Like the really ancient 8-year old notebook im currently using. Except that itself is a very good reason for its slow-working ability.

Oh and Jerry, thanks for the note. The drawing was really cute, thanks. You take care too, and JIA YOU :)

And once again, I NEED A MUSIC PLAYER. ARGH.

--- This entry is posted later due to a loss in internet connection. SEE MY POINT.

Honestly, I cannot find something I am proud of.
What am I actually, really good at?

It seems like i've 'lost some talents' as I grew up. Except I have memories of nothing. When I ask my mother about the memories I have. They never seem to have happened. Déjà Vu? Somehow for this, I don't really want to believe that. Another point, how do you explain strange, well more like scary visions in which clouds your mind when you close your eyes? Plus, it never happens in a pattern. Its not the house. Nothing about the supernatural at the very least. That, im sure. Unless its something we've not yet discovered. But okay, don't bother trying to understand this part of the post. I tend to ramble, don't I.

Sidewalks. What are the chances.

Like the time we thought was made for..

Because I need to move. I need to be a changed person, for the better.

Okay I should really sleep now. Try to, at the very least. I just need a way to get things off my mind. Like magic, as and when I want them to. Interestingly, not happening. Ah. 've been hit with dizzy spells lately. Its a sign.

And its never easy saying goodbye, no matter how much of a goodbye you want to give.

So guide me.

Goodnight.

Labels: Argh, Early morning rants, her words, just another part of memories, Korean, Pretty Boys, random random, school, terrors of the life, thankyous

Tuesday, September 08, 2009 - 1:47 AM

Would you fall in love with someone so sweet, nice and you know that he is sincere?

Did I mention? I dropped Additional Math last week. Happy much. Its better not taking the paper than getting an F9, eh? Teachers are well, advising, me to drop to combined science. I guess you can say im so stubborn but. I really don't intend to. Well, im not :) Just hope I can pull through the next one and a half months before my O's. As well as pull through my O's itself. 13th November. Friday The 13th. Hmmm.

We sold the house on Saturday. We haven't found a place within our pathetically low budget yet, but I do hope all goes well. We're to move before the year ends.. but I won't be able to celebrate my 16th here. There's so much going on. So many things involved. We've started packing and all. There's so much we have to leave behind. Another new chapter's going to begin, I suppose. And im to leave behind the place where my memories began from when I was 10 months old. Its really true, yet annoying, how only when we're gonna lose or have lost something before we can learn to cherish it. Now im yearning for it all to stay.

I have many regrets in life, really. And I just hope they won't be around to hinder my growth. Friends take up a big chapter. A really dramatic one too. Im just hoping for the better of it all. I wonder, if I can be a strong weed too.

You make me smile at the slightest. Why do I feel that im being made a fool out of. What I keep running away from, im drawing nearer to. Why do I consider you in my plans. Its so. Scary.

And I need to stop talking to myself.

Labels: Argh, her words, just another part of memories, school, terrors of the life, thankyous

Tuesday, September 01, 2009 - 9:39 PM

I want to forget my pride and move on. It'll be nice if I could stop predicting the future too. Life just doesnt work out that way.

Prelims are over. I'd like to add "So is my life" but that's just too depressing. In the past few years i've been told countless times to be happy. Im still trying but hey, that's a start. Anyway, my life really isn't over. Im just worried over my prelim results. Which are way below expectations, mine, my mother's and the school's. I haven't got my Literature results yet, but my overall L1R4 is already over 20 points. I have about less than two months to my O Levels and yet im still here, blogging. It's just kinda sad that my friends' parents are nagging them to study and my mother is nagging me to leave her alone. But that's besides the point. I know why I need to get 8 points. But the driving force has lost its energy.

I realise that 2009 has been one of an eventful year, but with the least blog entries too. Plus, some of the entries are short and well. Short for lines to be read between.

And so many a times im left hanging. I don't know where to go. Who to talk to, be with, laugh with. Its lonely, and its tiring to get by like this day after day. Each night I pray for the strength to carry on. But it just hits me too fast sometimes, there's nothing to grab before I crumble inside.

Im considering dropping Additional Math for good. Still contemplating though. Afterall I still plan on getting into college. Mummy doesn't approve of going private. 8 points. I hope I can achieve this miracle for my upcoming O Levels. I got a B3 for my Chinese O's. Oral was a Merit. Horribly done. Im retaking Chinese, and I just hope that all goes well.

I NEED A MUSIC PLAYER. Argh.

Oh yes. I have short hair. For the first time in 7 years. Its really short. Bob. Its a new chapter, or maybe not so. But it feels so good haha. Not used to it yet though. Its like I have no hair for my hands to run through. But anyway, yeah. Its been two weeks now. Short hair XD

Was at Rachel.g's on Sunday. We were supposed to have dinner at Big Ben's but it was closed :( So we had Pizza Hut in the end, and it was the first time I went to Pizza Hut and not eat pizza. Went to her house to study too, except I just did some vocabulary exercises, but I did get a whole lot of Matchbook Romance songs from her drive. Super happy about that. Its so difficult to find their cds in stores. Except its her brother who listens to those songs haha. Ah. A welsh corgy went missing in my neighbourhood and its so sad. 'Cause I don't think such adorably cute dogs will be found. You know, people will take them in and keep quiet about it or something. I think. Max got taken in years ago and was named Happy. So yeah. Anywayy.

I should start mugging.

Maybe dreaming isn't so healthy afterall. Even if it helps to get me by. At the end of the day, reality is the law which I cannot break.

And so I run.

Labels: Argh, her words, just another part of memories, random random, school, terrors of the life

Wednesday, August 05, 2009 - 8:17 PM

Tomorrow's the 6th of August. Our(Jasveen and I) self-created day :) Sadly though, we have school to start the day off with, plus chemistry remedial and for me, the time-wasting racial harmony rehearsal while she's got her physics remedial. And then, we haven't yet decided on where we're gonna go. This is what happens when your budget is way limited, you're stuck with a school bag, in uniform, and practically half the day's gone. Rawrr. Wish us luck.

Ah. CA Outing this Friday. Night Safari. Brings back the memories from last year, I honestly cannot wait! I miss the tram ride haha. The only problem I actually have about it, is that the theme for the outing is animal prints/graphics tee, whereby I don't own any. So im screwed if I can't get one by..Friday afternoon. Doubt I have the time to shop..this sucks. And im horribly broke. All the time. It kinda sucks not having extra pocket money sometimes, especially during the holidays. Besides, an extra 10 can't possibly last me. Honestly speaking. Talk about saving money during recess and bringing my own lunch box. The food in the lunch box costs money too. It feels pointless. And I gave up after 3 weeks of trying to lose weight. I wasn't disciplined enough to keep myself in check actually. Ahh well. Heck. For now, anyway. Haha.

Prelims started this Monday, and we're done with English and Social Studies..of which im pretty sure im screwed up for, since I only studied Venice on the morning of my paper. And I did that question since the rest I STUDIED for didn't come out. Expected but, ah. Next paper's next Thursday though. Back to school for now, though its pretty much slack actually, just a whole load of papers and lectures from teachers. Yepp. Time of the month, nope. Time of the year, more like it. God help me to be disciplined! Please. I feel so horrible. I want to do something about my studies but im just not moving. There's hardly any drive in me to keep going. And I think its either I suffer from insomnia or I just sleep throughout. Odd but yes, im not in a healthy condition for exams, really. I've been having migraines almost every day, and I just recovered from a horrible fever a while ago. Haha, which reminds me. Me falling sick led to my whole family falling ill. Then I recovered, but my sister just got worse. Interesting, the way this energy flows. Don't like it, but its so..logical. Anywayy, I failed to mention this. O LEVEL CHINESE AND SPA IS OVER! Thank God it is. O Level Chinese results are coming out next Tuesday though. If I don't get an A1(which I probably won't) then i'll be retaking the paper. Crazy, I know. I want and I NEED that A1 though. Sickening one point. But yes :) I hope i'll do okay even if I don't get it though. Since we're not entitled to retaking our Orals and LC. Orals was a total disaster though. Horrid. We studied like mad people and freaked out while waiting for our turn in the auditorium, and resorted to playing a Chinese word game to keep our mind off orals. Didn't work much, and the bad part is that the topic that came out was nothing we studied about. Horrible loser topic that was easy but difficult to talk about then. My mind went blank when I heard my examiner. I just you know, blah-ed everything I could. Rawrr. But its over..and yeah. SPA Paper 3 for Chemistry was awesome, and I need that since I screwed up the practicals. Biology is a different story though. I screwed up all my 3 skills. All I can depend on now are my papers. I really hope I can do well. I need to have some sense kicked into me for good, really. Im just. Hopeless. At the moment. Heh. I do hope that we are still allowed to take our O Level Examinations despite the current H1N1 scare and precautions. Im really worried. Im not done with my prelims yet, but im confident enough to say I won't be doing well. 8 points for O Levels? Currently, im just laughing out loud. Its the one thing I need to do really well for though. My future and all. Im my mother's only hope. I cannot let her worry about me..5 more years till I turn 21 huh. Then again, I wonder if i'll live till then. Ah. Cut. Cut Cut.

CUT. I want to cut my hair. Short. Like, really short. Haven't had short hair since I was in primary 3. Im scared of the outcome though. Hah. Ah. Why doesn't Singapore have conducive environments for studying? The house definitely, not being an option, that is. Went out with Qing to study on Sunday and she got so pissed because the tables were taken away and there were no free seats in the library. We actually wrote in suggestions and dumped them into the box. She can be quite scary sometimes, I realised. She asked me how to spell 'ridiculous'. NLB, watch out I guess. Anyway, we ended up going to TeaDot at Iluma to study, except half the time we were together, we were watching the Korean videos on her Ipod lol. Then again I wasn't feeling comfortable to study..so. Yeah.

-sigh- I need a guide. Some light. Hope. And definitely strength to carry on. I feel so breathless and lost on this road.

God, please keep him safe. And bless all the others who are suffering like he is. And cure them Lord. Take away their disease. Take away H1N1 for good, Lord. Please

Who's willing to pay $300 for me to attend ballet classes? :)
Hmm. Me, myself and I, I suppose.

And under the same sky. Tonight, I wonder what you're thinking too.

Somehow I feel. That I cannot lose you. This. Is. So unfair. Horrible you.

Labels: Argh, dance, her words, just another part of memories, random random, school, shopaholica?, terrors of the life, thankyous