her tattered pages of a mess

2010-05-09T05:26:00.007+08:00

I think im losing it.

Why is it that when i've finally decided on going to Canada, things happen that make me have to reconsider again? Im caught in between. I feel like leaving it all behind, and yet something pulls me that makes me want to stay. Family, school, friends, boyfriend. Family? Im not really bothered, but worried for mummy. I can't bear to leave her alone, its not like she's not suffering enough at the moment. She tells me her will is strong but I don't want to take the risk, you know? As for school, this is where it really catches me in the middle of 'to leave or not to leave'. Mummy says we'll look for a house in Tampines, so yay for being back at the east, though I honestly still dislike Tampines. She mentioned transferring to TPJC, and I don't want to. Even if Emily.J is there. 'sides, what are the chances they'll let me take my hybrid course? And it just means starting over again: a new JC life. I don't mind going private to JCU, but oh I dont know. I feel very unsafe. Well, more of insecurity, really. Though hopefully it'll mean I have more time to myself and I can work at the same time. Im just afraid of regret. I regret almost every decision i've made..well. For some la huh. I mean, there are the good and the bad sides, and the pessimistic me just keeps reminding myself about what i've missed out on and I regret. Friends? Most of the times its like secondary school repeating itself again. Sometimes its what makes me happy the most. This is really making me mad. Boyfriend? Okay wow I really don't know. Its there and yet, not there. I think I can figure this one out fine though. After all, my schooling decision will decide our future, so that comes first. Its already May though. Fast. Hmmmm.

You know how we like to pick songs and put them into a playlist? Sometimes its for the certain mood, other times its just because 'you like it'? This results in the neglect of MOST, and I repeat, MOST songs in your music player. I realise when I just so happen to listen to a song not in a playlist, I feel very different, very much alive; I realise new things, learn them, and its a whole new experience all together. Point being, every song tells a different story each time you listen to it. Yes, I believe that is true. And then I wouldn't mind listening on to the next song, and im thrown into a whole new world. That of course, ends when I reach a song I have no idea whatsoever as to why it is in my player, or of course because it just totally kills the newly found mood.

Anddddd. I NEED A NEW PHONE, DAMN IT.

I'm really happy when it feels good being beside you.

Though sometimes I really want to laugh, how rude.

Move on, but where do we go? Where do we even start from?

I want to be honest. So please, please figure out this heart of mine. Be happy, honestly happy. Though I feel like crying again.

I had a very bad dream yesterday. I hate it when I wake up from one, about to cry, afraid i've already lost what I was chasing for in my dream. The worst thing happens when your phone rings, you grab it, and yet receive a message not from that person you were chasing. You feel so abandoned and alone, you think your dream's real. That there will never be a chance to see that person again, and having done so without even a 'Goodbye'.

To my dream: Don't ever do that again.

I was really so afraid. Then I begin to wonder.

Please please, figure out this heart of mine. Make your decision, my dear girl. Time is running out, for all you know.

I don't regret having gone through that operation two Decembers ago. Except I believe it has made my lungs weaker, and this is seriously affecting my favourite activities. I can't dance nor run for long without feeling like crap at my chest. Its squeezing me and it really hurts. My heart sorta 'vibrated' the other day. Heart tremor? HAR-HAR. God kill me already. Im born to a life where most killer-illnesses are passed down the female line of the family. Just hit me now. Or long after I get married and have kids. Rawrrr. Im just worried.

I've hardly any social life, thanks to JC. I cannot cope, as usual. -sigh- Prioritise, prioritise. Goodbye to Anime, JKdorama, Kanata Hongo, Lee DongHae and. Hmmm. I need to say goodbye to Facebook. Its killing me.

My stomach hurts. Gastric? Maybe we shouldn't have had bowl noodles for dinner. Well, supper for you but. Uh oh.. Oh right. I ate a lot of wastage at Cedele. I bet its the fruits. Oooooooooooooooooooooooooold. But yummy, and healthy so. Who cares :D

LIT NOTES TO COPY BEFORE I SLEEP. Though I think i'll fall asleep on my notes halfway..im supposed to wake up at 9. Oh, slow suicide.

sweet sweet..ouch.

2010-05-04T19:36:00.004+08:00

its all about give and take; i decided to give last night, but you chose to go missing

Its 7:37PM. My inbox is way clear of your name. You're one reason thats making me want to go.

I've been studying the past 3 days, and Mr Chua thinks im strange for spending my Labour Day holiday mugging, or well, trying to mug. I've been studying at places, including King Albert's Park. KAP is so near to Ngee Ann Poly, i know. Its not suprising to be seeing a lot of Poly students there. Its just that, when I see them, I think of Joel. And I know our worlds have already become very different a long time ago. Communication, I think we've already failed that test. 5 months, a week and 4 days. So short, yet my longest. We keep saying we hope for it to last. Honestly? I think we're both too tired now. At least, I know I am.

Was it too late for me to try?

As training for Pre-U Sem, I have to do morning announcements during assembly. It includes what a Parade Commander does in SHSS. Except I don't have to say the malay words 'cause there's really a PC. It wasn't my first time today, and though it was last minute -something I should have already been used to, in YJC- I totally screwed up. I made over 5 mistakes eeek. I think Mr Ng doesn't see potential in me. -sigh- As if mistakes made at Investiture wasn't enough.

Its like i've been thrown into a hell hole and its too high to climb back up to the surface. Once again im asphyxiating, and desperate for a life of my own.

My family is another reason why I rather be off in Canada, even though i'll really be on my own, then.

and kiss the tears goodbye; its time for another mistake.

Because saying 'sorry', just makes you feel a little better.

2010-05-03T04:30:00.008+08:00

Hello :) First post for 2010. I know its been 4 months since I last posted. A lot has been happening in my life, lots of changes and new beginnings as well. I've been busy, tired, lazy to blog, and mostly really shack from school. There's so much to update, I don't know where to start.

As promised first, the 2G Chalet. Not much to talk about really. Except uh expired marshmallows and really scorched chicken wings haha. Jas and I had a long walk along Pasir Ris beach and we talked about lots. Also, the both of us and Michelle went to play at the kids den. Well, they forced me to. REALLY. So we played with those balls thing that kids throw around, and we played with a few kids as well. This little boy, whats his name, uh. Kenneth? I know it starts with a K! HE'S SO CUTE MY GOSH. AND HE KISSED ME ON THE CHEEK. AWWW. I was exclaiming how much I wanted to marry that little boy. I know, the paedophile in me. I can't help it! I have a fetish for cute boys. YOUNG BOYS AKA KIDS. And anywayyy. Those of us who stayed till late were in the room prank calling people, including people like Scot (poor thing, it was my fault) as well as teachers. We called Mr LCH and sang Happy Birthday. He probably knows it was us anyway. Mr Lai rushed back from Ms Abidah's (Not Ms anymore!) wedding and brought Keon along! My godson refuses to acknowledge me :( He's uber cute too :)) Andddd. Thats about it for 2G Chalet haha.

So then. 2010. O Level results? Disappointing, I cried like mad but well, it was better than my prelims as well as MYEs, which were both 28points. I went to the table and Mr Law seemed really happy about my results but I just ignored him haha. My stupid Chinese grade remained a B3. Waste of a time, and I HATE TCH like mad. He gave us false hope. I really felt improvement. Yet at the end of the day, I just suck. Grrr. Anyway, I scored 15points for L1R5. Shocking grades actually. I felt that English and Humans were a total killer and Biology and Math were easy, but hey, the grades were in total opposite.

A2 - English, Pure Literature, Combined Hist/SS
B3 - Chinese, Pure Biology, Mathematics

Mummy's quite all right with it. My father's damn proud I don't know why. Im not proud of it a single bit. So, my AC dream dashed. Where do I go? 15 points is the middle range where you're caught in between JC and Poly. 'sides, I couldn't even make it to Psychology (8pts) in TP if I wanted the Poly route. So I stuck to my original plan: JC. Went to PJC and YJC Open House with Benedict.H and Dylan. I promised Ben i'd go to PJ with him, but that was conditional. He didn't get his poly course, and PJ didn't offer my subject combination. So YJC was my first choice; it offered H2 Econs, Lit, Bio and H1 Math. So thats where I am now, in YJC, studying that combination.

My father's been pressing me to go to Canada to study Psychology instead, since he doesn't agree with the local education system here. I didn't want to go, 'cause I couldn't bear to leave the people behind, as well as because YJC brought me so many opportunities I really didn't want to let go. SL, Dance, Friends. Yes, finally here in YJ did I feel like i've found my true friends. The atmosphere was awesome, it made me feel at ease, at home, a home I never felt I had. As for dance, im currently in the Dance Club, and that's bliss for someone with no dance experience, who passed both auditions and being one of the selected 16 girls and the selected 7 to dance for a school performance. Lucky, no? :) I finally can dance with a given platform and that's a beautiful thing. SL? It stands for Student Leaders. I joined the school House Exco 'cause Orientation was really awesome and all. I got transferred to the Students' Council though and really, the atmosphere of the SLs together, is awesome. It feels the best when im with them than with those in Dance. For now at least. But then, I quit Council 'cause I rather focus on what I wanted to do most: Dance. As well as the fact that I am one of the lucky two J1s to be emcees for Pre-University Seminar. We're just minor minor emcees, but thats good enough. I finally get to be an emcee, which i've never gotten the opportunity in secondary school. I also became the emcee for the Students' Leader Investiture as part of the training for being a Pre-U Sem emcee and thats awesome. Though I did make mistakes at the end, all went pretty much all right. Im happy. I suppose.

Then there's the negative. The first two days of orientation was the best with my OG. And OG24 already had a facebook group on the second day, and its the OG with the most scandals. Me, being the Scandal Queen. Its for the jokes only, but im really glad to have known OG24 because thats where my close friends in YJ come from. On the 3rd day, we were separated into our classes already and I was alone. I've got a close friend in my class now, Michelle Tang and she's awesome :) I liked the way she stood up for me when one in our clique never accepted me. Stuff happened, stuff happens. Im not going to state them all. But then, secondary school repeated itself all over again. In class right now, im detached. Even from my clique. Even from Michelle, sometimes. I've decided not to bother already, because at least I know I still have the few from my OG, even though we're in separate classes, or CTGs. I have the same subject combination as two other, Doyle (in my clique, well so called clique anyway) and Clara. I feel very pangseh-ed by them most of the time, as I am. It wasn't like this in the beginning. The same, i've decided not to care. Now I spend my common breaks studying. So thats Friends for you. Schoolwork is a hell lot. Its College I know. I think YJC's just a little crazier. Its difficult managing the workload, especially when you don't understand a thing you're taught in class. Im having difficulty with Economics and Math. But at least i've got a Math tutor, Anisha, from OG24 too. And though I used to pay utmost attention in Math class till I sat with her and Karthigan (OG24), I love my math lessons. They're not boring with them around. And yes, I sleep in Math sometimes, but at least I pass most of my tests :) My teachers can be quite of a PMS sufferer, but then again, its fun. It reminds me of Mr Rashidi and I miss him. Im not doing well in Literature, but im hanging on. Chinese is my worst subject in terms of understanding I suppose, but I think my best grade will come from there. I actually pay 95% attention in Chinese class. Im proud of that! I've no LQ to distract me haha. Economics is scary, 'cause I honestly don't get a thing. But im really trying, and I hope that effort actually pays off. GP is the most boring lesson ever, and I do pity my teacher 'cause nobody pays attention to him in class. Its that depressing. And we usually fall asleep. I do my part, but sometimes..I just don't want to listen. What with the horrible weather and stuffy classroom. Project Work's a killer, not to mention my group members aren't very happy with the grouping because we don't really like someone in it. Its a majority feeling. But im deciding I should be objective. I refuse to screw up my PW even though its already screwing me up, what with the ridiculous Preliminary Idea and all. Biology is.. well its a lot compared to secondary school. Like, a hell lot more. But its fun! Well, quite dry but still. Its just, I get so tired you know..so its actually hard catching up. PE's twice a week, mass and a few classes. Its crazy and I don't like it.

I've been so busy and caught up with events such as Arts Fusion -my dance performance, which went pretty well :) - and SL Investiture, tests, homework, and the upcoming Pre-U Sem, I've neglected my best friends. I sincerely apologise and I promise to make it up to you, even though I know my 'soon' is always more than a month or two, heh. And Gabriel, your shirt is still sitting beside my shelf.. its a good reminder that we must meet soon :)

Oh and, because of the negative, I actually feel like leaving to Canada now. A lot of things has been happening really. And, I don't feel as good as I had when I first entered YJ. I admit I broke down on the third day of school aka lessons, but I still felt strongly about staying, then. Now, that will is faltering.

Even though my father reads this, im saying it anyway. I've got my motives.

I've got a boyfriend, and we've been together since last November. So stop harassing me, because you know you are. *Austin, you failure. Haha.

Oh yeah. I now live in Choa Chu Kang, and I miss Siglap so much. I just miss the East because it holds so much memory there. Thats where my life began and ended. Because here I am, having started anew, hoping to work at something to find happiness. We're currently renting a flat which is just so you know, haunted. I don't like the place, but i've grown used to it. Not that I had much of a choice. I mean, I was staying mostly at my gran's till school started, but. Its the one place I get to wash up and sleep what I can before school starts and ends. Oh yes, about work. I did get a job after two weeks from when I went job hunting with Tangy. Cedele said they'll reply within 3 working days, but I got the call exactly 2 weeks later. So I started working at Cedele at Parkway and its been an awesome learning experience. Healthy food which -some- tastes awesome and a hell lot of fun as well as NOT fun with the people I work with :) I've stopped working at the moment though, because of school and Parkway's more than 2 hours away from CCK. LQ recently started working there after I recommended her, and I can't wait to work with her in June, if thats even possible. So far im the only person trained in only one shift, and I was heavily depended upon then, which could be quite stressful when you're in charge of handling the paperwork, but I love the night shift for obvious reasons and I really want to go back there soon! :))

I really need to get a new phone. Im having problems with my current one. Afterall I did drop it into the toilet bowl last year when I was about to bathe. Situation: I always bring my phone -at our old home- into the bathroom and leave it at the toilet bowl..ledge thingy. It slipped off my hand and into the CLEAN water it went. It smelled of smoke -well there was smoke, anyway- and it had to be serviced. There's still problems with it now so I really hope to get a new one soon. I really love the model though. It really went through tough times with me, heh. And it served me well. I'll still get back a Nokia, because its pretty much the only brand I trust. LG phones are pretty but unreliable software so.. -sigh- I want a phone from Japan. The nice clean white flip ones? Heh.

Im not blogging much in detail and this has been just really informative, because we both know I love to digress and there's really so much to update. So im just leaving it as here for now. Hopefully i'll find the time and the not-lazy mood to blog again. Till then, take care me, since I keep falling sick :(

This time I actually need a guidebook, I think.

TAG AND MAKE MY BLOG ALIVE AGAIN! :)

2009-12-29T00:05:00.003+08:00

Happy Birthday to me,
Happy Birthday to me,
Happy Birthday to me~
Happy Birthday to me!

Yes. Sweet Sixteen. Or maybe a not so sweet one. Whatever it is, its good. To be sixteen. I think. And yeah, this time im singing to myself after midnight. Im officially 16 now. Well, not official from the time I came out of mummy's vagina, but anyway, yeah.

Andddd. Im off again. Will update soon. There's a lot. To update. Like how i've moved, my phone should be thrown to feed the sharks..and. Well, other things. Till then. Goodnight :)

My blog's rotting anyway.

2009-12-10T14:50:00.003+08:00

Things i'll never say

091209-
What have I done.

A ring on her finger; ring on her neck.
A ring on his finger; ring on his neck.
A promise both wishes to keep,
And a hard-pressed peck.

Time will be the obstacle's master
As time will bring forth changes
And changes will prove superior
Unless, oh unless.

2009-11-27T04:34:00.003+08:00

Its a sudden realisation, and I slow my pace.
Under the shade of rustling trees, I walk.
Everywhere is silent, but Boston by Augustana playing in my ears.
I turn behind to look, and there's nobody.
I stop, enjoy the silence and not think about the heat.
Its a serene environment, so simple and so nice.
Nice, like its the only best word to describe it.

Have you pictured the middle? Oh, decadence.

There's a cockroach somewhere in my bedroom and I cannot sleep :(
And awww, because someone really sweet couldnt sleep because I was scared.
Like "I jump, You jump"; this is "You sleep, I sleep"
HAHA.
:)

Thank you for always making me smile. Always, being most of the times anyway.

AND AHHHHH. I haven't found a job. 've been applying but there hasnt been any response. -sigh- Im really going to be cashless when this week ends.

OH. I learnt how to cycle! :D It was supposed to be a M.Jsquare.A.C outing on Tuesday. But Joyce was overseas and Michelle. Was sick. So it was the three of us again. The plan was to bowl, but Jasveen forgot her socks, as well as socks for Asirah. So we had to change plans.. went to eat at the food court(I hadn't had any food) and then they decided to go cycling. I couldn't cycle, so they taught me how to. Asirah was Intsructor 1 who couldn't handle my weight haha, and thus Jasveen took over. Gosh it was really tiring! I had a lot of difficulty really. Every time Jasveen let go of the handle, I would fall. No matter how many times she kept telling me to pedal no matter what happened, I was too afraid. Its like at that moment when you're consumed by fear, you don't even think about the brake. Which is what made me jam into 3 groups of people. Haha. Embarrasing really. They asked me if I was okay instead =P But all went well. I had lots of bruises and scratches from the learning experience, but when I could cycle, LIKE FINALLY haha, for quite a distance, like maybe 50m -which is short, I know- I was elated! :D And yeah, in less than 2 hours, wheee I learnt how to cycle. Im still really a beginner though. So i'll probably need some time to get used to it again before I can properly tell people that I can cycle haha. My whole body ached the whole day..as well as till now. But all's good and well deserved. After cycling anyway, we went to the nEbo cafe at Ehub and just sat there, chatting laughing and you know, girl stuff. Haha. We saw many familiar faces! And a few which were of fate haha. My 'fated' didn't appear though, but thats because -as Jasveen claims- my fate "has worked it's magic already". Ahhh. Awesome buds :)

Yesterday, there was a 4J class lunch at Aston's. 25 or so people came. Its sad, that we're only meeting to eat to spend the prize money for 2nd Class. Hmmm.

Oh, I don't think I mentioned about the 2G chalet on the 15th? Ahhh leave that to next time. Lazy haha.

Im so sleepy...but the cockroach! :(

2009-11-24T02:21:00.002+08:00

I hope i've made the right decision.

Im still scared. But I need to trust and believe.

God, cradle me in your arms tonight.
Tell me its going to be all right.

Ohh.

23/11/09

2009-11-22T21:50:00.003+08:00

I am a very difficult person to love. (I know God loves me all the same)

Im sorry that I have to put you in such a position. Its not easy, we both know that. And im worried too.

We're saying things we shouldn't be. Its too early.

What have I done to ruin your life like this.

I just hope all goes all right. Though either way, we're both going to get hurt.

I don't know what to listen to. I don't know what I trust.

This heart, right now, it beats, beats for only you
My heart, my heart is yours

2009-11-14T23:00:00.002+08:00

HAPPY 19TH BIRTHDAY KANATA-KUN! :)))

Need I say more? :)) Till this day, he still remains my most admired talent :)

And. Im still desperately in need of a job. Doing up my resume now, which is pretty pathetic but ah well. Wish me luck!

2009-11-13T03:00:00.002+08:00

And its over. Or well, it was over yesterday. Except I don't know what or how to feel. I don't really feel anything. Its so odd. Now its just the wait for the results.

Oh and, im in a serious need of a job. Plus money. Ballet.. Ah. Emily's going overseas next week though.. Hmmm.

Sigh.
What have I done.

2009-10-25T23:53:00.003+08:00

Goodbye world. Hello O Levels.

Dear Big Daddy,

I ask of you to grant me strength, wisdom, a clarity of mind, peace and serenity as well as perserverance and determination as I run my very last race for this year. Lord I ask of you to help me through this hurdle and keep me safe from harm. Take me away from all temptations and Father, help me not to sin. Continue to guide me Lord, and help me to prosper in each and every area of my life. Father I ask of you to continue watching over me, my family and friends and I ask for your blessing upon each and every one of us.

In Jesus's most loving name I pray,
Amen.

I feel. I don't know what I feel.

Hello O Levels. I really dread you but the time has come, and I am FACING YOU.
Goodbye cyberworld. Goodnight.

2009-10-14T23:00:00.003+08:00

HAPPY 23RD BIRTHDAY TO LEE DONG HAE :)

Yes, Korea's an hour ahead of us as well. Honestly, I cannot really be bothered to tell you who he is, other than that he's a member of Super Junior, a 13-strong Korean boy group -under the influence of LQ, yes- and that he's an awesome dancer :) Well he does have many talents as well..but you know me, boys who can dance and dances are just..Hot :) His christian/english name is Aiden. Interesting eh? Haha. Anyway, Happy Birthday to him :)

O's are in about 10+ days time. Sigh, I have NOT started mugging yet. How horrible. And I don't have time.. plus we're graduating this Friday. Finally, but..its a bittersweet feeling I suppose. Ah. Plus it'll be the last time im wearing my blazer attire. Ah well.

Father bought me an Ipod Touch 32GB. Finally, I have a MUSIC PLAYER WITH SPACE. Sadly, my current notebook's software is too old to support itunes. I used mummy's but she has an Ipod too, so she deleted my whole library after I was done. Now im just waiting to get a new SOLID WORKING notebook so that I can re-upload my files proper, as well as start doing things with it :) Nothing illegal no. Miss designing, a little. Though now I really MUST be a nerd..ahh. Jiayou me.

Shall go off now. Must.

Happy Birthday you! :)

I hope you're staying strong. God I pray he'll be safe and well.

This is a year of change.

Warm and fuzzy feeling. More than just butterflies in my tummy. I wasn't breathing.

2009-09-13T04:22:00.009+08:00

1. Fantasising is bad. It keeps my mind off studies.
2. Fantasising is bad. It CAN MAKE ME CRY.
3. Fantasising is bad. Its so scary because I make it so real.
4. Fantasising is bad. Reality check.
5. Fantasising is bad. BUT I CANNOT HELP IT.

LEE QING. I feel like blaming you for introducing me to you know what and who. Now I know im so obsessed, its scaring me. Everytime I close my eyes, his face comes into view. I can't even eat my dinner properly. Not that I always have my dinner anyway, but. ARGH. I need to stop sleeping after 6AM in the morning already.. Then again, school starts tomorrow. Sigh. I can't believe I have school from 745am-9pm tomorrow onwards until my O's. That's pure murder. Slow torture but..ahhh. I haven't done my holiday assignments. So so screwed. I just hope I will accomplish more than just something later on when I meet LQ for our study date. I must make it purely study. No way shall I even look at her ipod. I can't even lock my notebook up since i'll need it for charging purposes. I need to be a nerd. Its the last stretch, and I need to stop giving excuses, stop procrastinating and get a move on. Gosh. I hope telling myself will eventually do me some good.

AND I REALLY REALLY NEED A MUSIC PLAYER. And money. So I can actually start studying in peace. Pshh.

Anyway, I thought i'll wrap up this week's outings in this entry before I stop blogging for a while. Ehhh. I don't recall Monday. Oh right. I was sick, so I spent 3/4 of the day sleeping, then I met my father for dinner. Tuesday, went out with Gabriel -acsi- to Bugis, tried to trick him into choosing a tee which I could then buy for his birthday, but failed. No size :( Thennn. Wednesday was spent hoping I would actually do some school work but failed too. Though I did manage to do some organising with my notes and all. Im just left with my sciences and Chinese to tidy up. Oh right, Literature too. At least I don't have notes lying around the house anymore :) Thursday, went out with Benedict.H to PS, caught Aliens In The Attic. Carter Jenkins is pretty cute, haha. Ehh. He brought me to the arcade where we played the basketball shooting hoops game and House Of The Dead 4. We were supposed to have a challenge to who would get a better score at shooting the zombies but it ended up as just me playing 'cause his controller couldn't work halfway through. Which led to my arm accumulating lots of lactic acid. Friday was spent..sleeping. And then I went out for dinner with mummy. Yesterday was well, 3/4 of the day spent sleeping. Then I got ready for Farewell Fest 'o9. To be honest, im not sure if its called FF but thats what we called it last year so..yeah. Drama Graduation Night. Lots of fun haha. Lots of photos, dancing and all. They did a 'red carpet' for us too. Awesome juniors. Check my facebook photos soon if you want to see me in short hair, heh. Suprisingly, we didn't cry this year. I guess most of the crying was done after SYF haha. Ah well. Anyway, after the 'party', I went off first with Ra to Starbucks, got Caramel Frapp :) and then I went over to her house for a few hours before cabbing home. And im currently not speaking to my mother and I won't either to my sister for they broke their promise of helping me with my make-up for the party, heh. Seriously, I was really sad and disappointed. It wasn't that I couldn't do it on my own, I just wanted them to be there to give me some assurance. Im not confident, im self-conscious and I always need some sort of approval. Which is a bad thing, but yeah. Working on it. And all my sister could say was sorry because my mother forced her to stay with her at my gran's. Its so. NONSENSICAL. I got so pissed I cried. Im such a crybaby. Horrible, right? But yeah. The thought of being home alone when I know there should be people at home, sucks. I hate the feeling. Unless if I was living on my own, thats a totally different story. Sigh. I want to make the best of the remaining years, but. Its so hard. I don't see why I always have to be the one giving in. Then again, I am the daughter..but. ARGH, you know? Oh gosh. I don't know myself. Im just hoping all goes well as time goes by. I really need to mature more I suppose. So many things are happening in my life right now, its like I don't have time to catch a breath. Its all binding me such that I cannot breathe. Well, I find it really difficult to breathe. And I mean it, literally. Its so frustrating too. Im really really tired. I need to make a life for myself. I really need to. I know I do. Ohh..

But anyway. Its 4:12AM now. I should sleep. Meeting LQ at 11am. Please please please. Study.

I do hope im doing a good job not liking you. Im trying my very best. Please don't make me feel touched again and again. Its scary. Really, scary.

AND I REALLY NEED A MUSIC PLAYER. Oh yeah, my father owes me one. Darn. I hope I can get one soon. In dire need. And earphones too. My earphones love to die on me. Then again, it seems like im really bad with techs. Like the really ancient 8-year old notebook im currently using. Except that itself is a very good reason for its slow-working ability.

Oh and Jerry, thanks for the note. The drawing was really cute, thanks. You take care too, and JIA YOU :)

And once again, I NEED A MUSIC PLAYER. ARGH.

--- This entry is posted later due to a loss in internet connection. SEE MY POINT.

Honestly, I cannot find something I am proud of.
What am I actually, really good at?

It seems like i've 'lost some talents' as I grew up. Except I have memories of nothing. When I ask my mother about the memories I have. They never seem to have happened. Déjà Vu? Somehow for this, I don't really want to believe that. Another point, how do you explain strange, well more like scary visions in which clouds your mind when you close your eyes? Plus, it never happens in a pattern. Its not the house. Nothing about the supernatural at the very least. That, im sure. Unless its something we've not yet discovered. But okay, don't bother trying to understand this part of the post. I tend to ramble, don't I.

Sidewalks. What are the chances.

Like the time we thought was made for..

Because I need to move. I need to be a changed person, for the better.

Okay I should really sleep now. Try to, at the very least. I just need a way to get things off my mind. Like magic, as and when I want them to. Interestingly, not happening. Ah. 've been hit with dizzy spells lately. Its a sign.

And its never easy saying goodbye, no matter how much of a goodbye you want to give.

So guide me.

Goodnight.

2009-09-08T01:47:00.002+08:00

Would you fall in love with someone so sweet, nice and you know that he is sincere?

Did I mention? I dropped Additional Math last week. Happy much. Its better not taking the paper than getting an F9, eh? Teachers are well, advising, me to drop to combined science. I guess you can say im so stubborn but. I really don't intend to. Well, im not :) Just hope I can pull through the next one and a half months before my O's. As well as pull through my O's itself. 13th November. Friday The 13th. Hmmm.

We sold the house on Saturday. We haven't found a place within our pathetically low budget yet, but I do hope all goes well. We're to move before the year ends.. but I won't be able to celebrate my 16th here. There's so much going on. So many things involved. We've started packing and all. There's so much we have to leave behind. Another new chapter's going to begin, I suppose. And im to leave behind the place where my memories began from when I was 10 months old. Its really true, yet annoying, how only when we're gonna lose or have lost something before we can learn to cherish it. Now im yearning for it all to stay.

I have many regrets in life, really. And I just hope they won't be around to hinder my growth. Friends take up a big chapter. A really dramatic one too. Im just hoping for the better of it all. I wonder, if I can be a strong weed too.

You make me smile at the slightest. Why do I feel that im being made a fool out of. What I keep running away from, im drawing nearer to. Why do I consider you in my plans. Its so. Scary.

And I need to stop talking to myself.

2009-09-01T21:39:00.002+08:00

I want to forget my pride and move on. It'll be nice if I could stop predicting the future too. Life just doesnt work out that way.

Prelims are over. I'd like to add "So is my life" but that's just too depressing. In the past few years i've been told countless times to be happy. Im still trying but hey, that's a start. Anyway, my life really isn't over. Im just worried over my prelim results. Which are way below expectations, mine, my mother's and the school's. I haven't got my Literature results yet, but my overall L1R4 is already over 20 points. I have about less than two months to my O Levels and yet im still here, blogging. It's just kinda sad that my friends' parents are nagging them to study and my mother is nagging me to leave her alone. But that's besides the point. I know why I need to get 8 points. But the driving force has lost its energy.

I realise that 2009 has been one of an eventful year, but with the least blog entries too. Plus, some of the entries are short and well. Short for lines to be read between.

And so many a times im left hanging. I don't know where to go. Who to talk to, be with, laugh with. Its lonely, and its tiring to get by like this day after day. Each night I pray for the strength to carry on. But it just hits me too fast sometimes, there's nothing to grab before I crumble inside.

Im considering dropping Additional Math for good. Still contemplating though. Afterall I still plan on getting into college. Mummy doesn't approve of going private. 8 points. I hope I can achieve this miracle for my upcoming O Levels. I got a B3 for my Chinese O's. Oral was a Merit. Horribly done. Im retaking Chinese, and I just hope that all goes well.

I NEED A MUSIC PLAYER. Argh.

Oh yes. I have short hair. For the first time in 7 years. Its really short. Bob. Its a new chapter, or maybe not so. But it feels so good haha. Not used to it yet though. Its like I have no hair for my hands to run through. But anyway, yeah. Its been two weeks now. Short hair XD

Was at Rachel.g's on Sunday. We were supposed to have dinner at Big Ben's but it was closed :( So we had Pizza Hut in the end, and it was the first time I went to Pizza Hut and not eat pizza. Went to her house to study too, except I just did some vocabulary exercises, but I did get a whole lot of Matchbook Romance songs from her drive. Super happy about that. Its so difficult to find their cds in stores. Except its her brother who listens to those songs haha. Ah. A welsh corgy went missing in my neighbourhood and its so sad. 'Cause I don't think such adorably cute dogs will be found. You know, people will take them in and keep quiet about it or something. I think. Max got taken in years ago and was named Happy. So yeah. Anywayy.

I should start mugging.

Maybe dreaming isn't so healthy afterall. Even if it helps to get me by. At the end of the day, reality is the law which I cannot break.

And so I run.

2009-08-05T20:17:00.003+08:00

Tomorrow's the 6th of August. Our(Jasveen and I) self-created day :) Sadly though, we have school to start the day off with, plus chemistry remedial and for me, the time-wasting racial harmony rehearsal while she's got her physics remedial. And then, we haven't yet decided on where we're gonna go. This is what happens when your budget is way limited, you're stuck with a school bag, in uniform, and practically half the day's gone. Rawrr. Wish us luck.

Ah. CA Outing this Friday. Night Safari. Brings back the memories from last year, I honestly cannot wait! I miss the tram ride haha. The only problem I actually have about it, is that the theme for the outing is animal prints/graphics tee, whereby I don't own any. So im screwed if I can't get one by..Friday afternoon. Doubt I have the time to shop..this sucks. And im horribly broke. All the time. It kinda sucks not having extra pocket money sometimes, especially during the holidays. Besides, an extra 10 can't possibly last me. Honestly speaking. Talk about saving money during recess and bringing my own lunch box. The food in the lunch box costs money too. It feels pointless. And I gave up after 3 weeks of trying to lose weight. I wasn't disciplined enough to keep myself in check actually. Ahh well. Heck. For now, anyway. Haha.

Prelims started this Monday, and we're done with English and Social Studies..of which im pretty sure im screwed up for, since I only studied Venice on the morning of my paper. And I did that question since the rest I STUDIED for didn't come out. Expected but, ah. Next paper's next Thursday though. Back to school for now, though its pretty much slack actually, just a whole load of papers and lectures from teachers. Yepp. Time of the month, nope. Time of the year, more like it. God help me to be disciplined! Please. I feel so horrible. I want to do something about my studies but im just not moving. There's hardly any drive in me to keep going. And I think its either I suffer from insomnia or I just sleep throughout. Odd but yes, im not in a healthy condition for exams, really. I've been having migraines almost every day, and I just recovered from a horrible fever a while ago. Haha, which reminds me. Me falling sick led to my whole family falling ill. Then I recovered, but my sister just got worse. Interesting, the way this energy flows. Don't like it, but its so..logical. Anywayy, I failed to mention this. O LEVEL CHINESE AND SPA IS OVER! Thank God it is. O Level Chinese results are coming out next Tuesday though. If I don't get an A1(which I probably won't) then i'll be retaking the paper. Crazy, I know. I want and I NEED that A1 though. Sickening one point. But yes :) I hope i'll do okay even if I don't get it though. Since we're not entitled to retaking our Orals and LC. Orals was a total disaster though. Horrid. We studied like mad people and freaked out while waiting for our turn in the auditorium, and resorted to playing a Chinese word game to keep our mind off orals. Didn't work much, and the bad part is that the topic that came out was nothing we studied about. Horrible loser topic that was easy but difficult to talk about then. My mind went blank when I heard my examiner. I just you know, blah-ed everything I could. Rawrr. But its over..and yeah. SPA Paper 3 for Chemistry was awesome, and I need that since I screwed up the practicals. Biology is a different story though. I screwed up all my 3 skills. All I can depend on now are my papers. I really hope I can do well. I need to have some sense kicked into me for good, really. Im just. Hopeless. At the moment. Heh. I do hope that we are still allowed to take our O Level Examinations despite the current H1N1 scare and precautions. Im really worried. Im not done with my prelims yet, but im confident enough to say I won't be doing well. 8 points for O Levels? Currently, im just laughing out loud. Its the one thing I need to do really well for though. My future and all. Im my mother's only hope. I cannot let her worry about me..5 more years till I turn 21 huh. Then again, I wonder if i'll live till then. Ah. Cut. Cut Cut.

CUT. I want to cut my hair. Short. Like, really short. Haven't had short hair since I was in primary 3. Im scared of the outcome though. Hah. Ah. Why doesn't Singapore have conducive environments for studying? The house definitely, not being an option, that is. Went out with Qing to study on Sunday and she got so pissed because the tables were taken away and there were no free seats in the library. We actually wrote in suggestions and dumped them into the box. She can be quite scary sometimes, I realised. She asked me how to spell 'ridiculous'. NLB, watch out I guess. Anyway, we ended up going to TeaDot at Iluma to study, except half the time we were together, we were watching the Korean videos on her Ipod lol. Then again I wasn't feeling comfortable to study..so. Yeah.

-sigh- I need a guide. Some light. Hope. And definitely strength to carry on. I feel so breathless and lost on this road.

God, please keep him safe. And bless all the others who are suffering like he is. And cure them Lord. Take away their disease. Take away H1N1 for good, Lord. Please

Who's willing to pay $300 for me to attend ballet classes? :)
Hmm. Me, myself and I, I suppose.

And under the same sky. Tonight, I wonder what you're thinking too.

Somehow I feel. That I cannot lose you. This. Is. So unfair. Horrible you.

2009-08-04T16:25:00.001+08:00

I know I felt something. I wonder if you did too.

2009-07-12T15:23:00.001+08:00

Sometimes I just wish you'll say the words you really want to. Sometimes I wish I could do the same.

2009-06-30T22:58:00.002+08:00

Tonight the air is still. But its another one of those cold nights.
I think i'll be crying myself to sleep again.

It sucks to be living in the same house as people who ignore you and care less about you. I think the only person that actually tries to speak to me, is my dog. Its odd how the only people who seem to care about me are the people I have no blood relations with: mummy's boyfriend and two other persons, one being a stubborn girl who refuses to eat my Subway Double Chocolate Chip Cookie.

And it seems like I really am depending on you. But. I did something, only to be disappointed. What am I thinking? Im so silly.

Its hard trying to be and stay strong. I haven't got that courage in me.

粉雪ねえ心まで白く染められたなら
二人の孤独を沸け会うことができたの会

I'll be plugged in.　

2009-06-28T21:18:00.002+08:00

I have been forced to watch Transformers. Haha. Okay, not important.

Sigh. I've been feeling moody since Thursday. How stupid. My blister is killing me and I think its infected. Argh. And this whole week will be a killer since im having my trigger exams. Rawrrr. There's Social Studies tomorrow, then Tueday will be spent mugging like a nerdy nut-case for History and Chemistry on Wednesday, and then Biology on Thursday. Ms Goh is going to slaughter me. *winces* Bump-in for Friends&Co. is on Friday, which is also performance night one, and that goes the same for Saturday. Sunday can't be a rest day either 'cause i'll probably be rushing whatever homework I have for the new week. Oh yes, O Level Chinese Orals start next week too. Im glad they go by alphabetical order. I think. 'Cause that should mean 4J won't be tested till the following week. Yay.

And this is a random rant and I haven't got mood to type. Screw. Aye.

Be myself, eh? How.

2009-06-27T00:02:00.002+08:00

I should just get some dreaded illness now and die. Why should I live now when im bound to contract the illnesses when I age anyway. Besides, I don't know what I feel sad about. Its just a crappy crappy feeling.

---
12:22AM. I feel guilty when you're too nice to me. The me right now can't ever reciprocate. You sounded angry. Its scary. I feel that I don't deserve this. I don't deserve you in my life at all.

2009-06-26T00:06:00.006+08:00

stupid stupid stupid! not cute at all.

A million miles, and im still screaming.

Its such a wonder that the sky is always filled with so many many stars on moody days. Then, I find some peace for that little while. I still don't want to leave. The stars are a good reason to my reluctance. On disappointing days, I find myself coming back to a place where im all alone. Literally. Unless you count Rocky.

I may just collapse any time. Its getting difficult to breathe. I mean it, literally.

What am I so afraid of?

---
12:33AM. I can't and I don't know how to laugh, how to smile, how to even tell myself I will be okay, I will be all right, and that everything will fall into place. I shouldn't even think that way. How can things ever fall into place when there are this many missing pieces to the puzzle of my life. What am I searching for? What do I hold on to? Its times like these when all I do is curl up on my bed and wish the night to go away, hoping that when dawn arrives I will forget. Somehow, I never do. Why am I so easily affected by the tiniest things? People can say how I think too much, but. Its scary. I admit, im afraid. Afraid to step out. Being in the Drama Club doesn't exactly mean I have the confidence. And every time I look into the mirror, I see a different person. Who am I? What will I become? Who is the real, real me? It feels like I don't have a life to call my own. Who are the people I can call friends, I can trust, I can hold on to. Who are those I can call and know that they will be here for me as I will for them? What more do my parents want from me? How far can I achieve? It feels so hard to fall, it feels even harder to climb. So many a times I feel like im drowning, asphyxiating, desperate for a breath. So many a times I feel the rain, even under the hot and stinging sun. So many a times I just cannot stop the tap from flowing. And when I scream, there is no sound. The thought of going back to the blade has popped up time and time again. And sometimes, its very difficult to resist. Sometimes I just need that adrenaline and relieve. Then I remember the promises i've been keeping. What if one day I give up on the will to stay away from it? Still I doubt I have the courage to cut a little deeper. I don't remember having felt euphoria in a very long while. And the memories just keep playing and playing on rewind. There seems to be no line I can catch to hold on to. And things I say sometimes I don't really mean. And the things I do.. sometimes I feel so disgusted at myself. Big Daddy dearest, I don't know how and I can't seem to find a way to love myself.

Sometimes I feel so scared, just like when I woke up from my operation. God, tell me where I am.

Overbearing: Silence. I don't count the fan.

2009-06-24T01:33:00.004+08:00

Why do I still cry. Why do I always cry when the same thing happens. Shouldn't I be used to it by now?
Mummy, why can't you tell? Don't argue my rebuttal next time, then. It gets tiring whenever I try to fight.

Eeek. Stupid H1N1. A lot of precautions are now being taken in school, and voting and petitions have been set up to extend the June holidays due to the pandemic. Gosh. This is crazy. I got so scared when we took our temperature yesterday. It kept increasing to 37.4 degrees until Mrs Leong said that a minute was up. School the last two days have been quite okay. English oral conversation on Monday, where we had to speak for two minutes in front of the class. I've been getting late for school, and I was horrified when I was late 'cause I knew Mdm Caroline Wong was taking my class for English. I reached school, only to be stalled with the H1N1 safety procedures and enter into a noisy class without a teacher. Mr Law then arrived a while after and we were split into 3 groups. My group just happened to be under Mdm Wong, so as usual..I couldn't escape her :( So I spoke anyway, and she said my problem is that I always speak like a bullet train. Apparently all my English teachers have said that..except Mr Law haha. This reminds me of debate last year. Horrible haha. But anyway. After English, we had.. Oh Biology. And it ends there. Yesterday was starting the morning with Mrs Ho for Chemistry and her super odd(quite sudden, too) pronounciation. She blamed it on the classes making the noise haha. It was combined with 4H so yeah, since noise+noise = extra noisy. I felt a sense of achievement during her lesson though, 'cause it was like. I was paying REAL ATTENTION for the first time in a long while. Except a while later I got a bit bored haha. But it was so cool since we were able to apply some Biology terms. That point, was us winning 4H who compared denaturation of yeast to dying. Then we had Literature..which was..plain mental. Went to the prata place for lunch with Emily, Rachel and Jing Wen. Then it was back to having Social Studies with 4H. And then they beat us when Mrs Leong asked about 'double-entry'. Though all they shouted was POA haha. And Mrs Leong comforted us saying that it wasn't important anyway. It was funny though. She did get quite pissed with the everlasting noise produced I think, so she dismissed us early. Yup. Having her lesson again today, plus Literature and then..the dreaded Chinese Orals. Ugh.

Annnnnnnnnnnnnd. I've got work to do. Like finding a clean plastic file for the 82 pages of the Off Centre play and Mr Yeo's interpretation of it..plus annotations we have to make on it. 82 PAGES. Can't believe he prepared the whole thing. Ah well. Mr Yeo. But 82 PAGES. With tiny font. *frowns* But anyway, yeah. I love Literature, so that love makes up for everything else. Yay.

This is random. But sometimes its fun being a mean, little bitch. Well not so little, but yeah, you get the point. Its just so odd that I don't take after my mother and my sister, who has been trained too well. Then again, I realise that I don't bother learning the skills since well. It is my choice not too. But it can be fun at times, with the advantages and all. Though I usually leave the doing to my sister, she's a million times better at it. Except when im alone, I guess im really alone haha.

Im such a very different person. And you're crazy to have befriended me. Or so I would like to think.

And I must say again. Being single's good. I feel so free. I have such freedom to fall in love with -not poster boy unlike SOMEONE, but- poster BABY. And no, im not a paedophile. And there's nothing wrong with finding a Secondary 3 boy cute, as long as you don't like him like him. I don't! He's just cute. HAHA. Okay, only two persons will understand this part. Including me, it'll be RACHARLY :)

Wheee. POSTER BABY IS CUTER. HMPFT.

Running away from the streets we knew.

I should do my work now. Studying for Chinese Orals will be the craziest thing i'll be doing this June, I think.

Im screaming at the rooftop
Above the million city lights that burn.
Its a fall, its a moving regiment.
Will you hear me speak silently
This time being able to listen?
I scream this song
And I hope you'll understand.

Oh gosh, goodnight.

The nightmare, the vision. Its vivid. The crumbling pillars..the fire..and the rush of sparks, people, screaming. Newspapers in your face. It hasn't happened. But I feel it so many a times. Im still scared, Lynn.

2009-06-21T03:42:00.003+08:00

Dear Big Daddy, please help me to forget that boy.

I need to move on. And I haven't. Its been too long.

2 years, 4 months. And still counting.

Help?

Playing : White Houses by Vanessa Carlton

She wrote my favourite song, you made me sing twice.

2009-06-19T04:05:00.006+08:00

Mildly blaring : Sidewalks by Story Of The Year

Ugh. I still don't understand why we have to write our own School Graduation Certificate. Totally defeats the purpose. I just spent the last 3hours 45minutes online trying to complete it and im still NOT done. Okay well, just the tiny part I need to ask Nana about and then im finished with it! :) Except I cannot possibly ask her at 4:07AM. The testimonial is already like, super long though. The paragraph on my CCA Achievements has already taken up half a page. Not boasting or anything, but it seemed to be quite a bit of information I had to add in. Ah well. My report book and the testimonial Mr Rashidi wrote for me before he left is awesomely helpful though, otherwise I doubt i'll ever be able to finish it :)

And this may seem random, but my left knee hurts like crazy *tears* I was dancing the other morning(3AM) and I was trying out(again) the kneeling down, turning over move thingy? Yeah. And I couldn't do it properly so. Ouch. Heh. So now I can't kneel down on that knee or i'll just..die. Speaking of dancing anyway, I am horrible! My stamina sucks. I was breathless after 2 songs, and I gave up after the 3rd song and spent the next half an hour watching dance MTVs on the television. I think Rocky thought I was mad to be dressed up and dancing in the hall that early in the morning..but he definitely got bored watching me and went back to sleep. Tsk. Yeah, I have an AWESOME but SMELLY AND NON-SUPPORTIVE DOG. Not forgetting to mention, NOISY too. Yeeeeep.

Anyway. My schedule has been madly rearranged recently. Had Drama rehearsal on Monday, that stayed. Pretty fun actually :) I didn't get slapped though, 'cause we didnt really do the play properly. We're tweaking it a little though, with more of the local effect, now that we have no pressure of battling against other schools and what nots. Oh yeah, we did a run with an impromptu comical effect, and our stomach muscles cramped up from laughing so much. I couldn't do much though really. My impromptu is just..dead. Especially when its for the comedy. I was dying trying to find good lines, so I ended up wailing like a baby while Aloy ranted on. Ha-ha. I know. Ohoh. The hawker centre we went to for lunch was awesome! Keith recommended really good food :) And Kimberly thinks fishball and I make a cute couple. Yuck, haha. Cue the vomit! OH OH. Gabriel was being a total piss off, the poor thing. Most of us commanded him to shut up a few times..hmmm I think I said it more than 5 times? Heh. He was being really annoying though, I couldn't help it. And he couldn't stop commenting on how I looked like a dancer. Though I haven't got that in a while now. Ah. So pants and hairstyle makes a difference, eh? Hmmm.

Okay, putting Monday aside anyway...TUESDAY. Oh yeah, mini-YAH Day was cancelled as Ra had tuition. AIYO RA. Which day are you not going to have tuition!? If not we'll never have YAH Day. And ANYWAY. Tuesday was spent with Qing, doing grocery shopping for the barbecue at the house the following day. We bought really cheap(but good) food at the NTUC outside my place, then we Bus 10-ed to her house, bought steak at the Cold Storage there, and then cabbed to her house. My left slipper uh...broke? Yeah..it kind of snapped as I tripped going up the bus. It was awfully embarrassing, but I couldn't stop laughing about it. I shan't talk about the aftermath though. Heh. Ahh..so we went to her house. Snowball is FAT!! I refuse to believe its his fur. He's really heavy! But smells so...nice! Rocky is just. Okay fine, im a bad owner. Ah. We watched television..played ROCK BAND :) Really fun! Haha. I suck at the drums but..I think im getting it? Maybe. Love the guitar. The vocals are just...so depressing? Haha. I got really tired singing songs I had no idea about. Left her house around 8-ish 9, before I bus-ed back to find that there wasn't anyone in the house. Hmmm.

Anyway. Wednesday. Ah I woke up late, and I was supposed to be helping Qing out with the barbecue one and a half hours earlier..but yeah. Haha. Schuyler came after me anyway, and we worked on the potatoes and corn and wrapping them up in aluminium foil. LQ is so cute, she doesn't know what's a kitchen towel. So much for being someone who bakes often. Super cute. Ah. Barbecue was..somewhat quiet but fun. It comprised of LQ, Schuyler, Benedict.L, Siti, Sara P, Glen and me. Oh oh, Siew Bin came a while later, and then Jun Yuan came..but he didn't eat anything 'cause he was 'too full'. Pretty small barbecue..but it was really pretty funny too. We had bought 20 chicken franks..but apparently they were gone before the rest came outside to eat, HAHA. We played Indian Poker, and the forfeit was well. Disgusting concoctions with Pepsi Twist. The first forfeit was the most normal drink, with just that and a marshmallow. Second drink was made by Sara P, which was Pepsi Twist, corn and..I think something else. Can't recall. Third drink was made by me, and it comprised of Pepsi Twist, half a marshmallow, black pepper steak fats(LQ didnt cut out the fats so we cut them out after cooking), turmeric powder and garlic salt. :) Schuyler had to drink it, but she just kinda transferred it to another cup 'cause she couldn't take it. Glen and I could though. It wasn't so bad, really! The garlic salt actually made it taste nicer :) Fourth and last drink anyway, was made by Glen. Pepsi Twist, garlic salt, coriander seeds...God knows what other spices he added, I can't recall either. Haha. Yeah. Ohoh. Ben was so adorable! He tried to seduce us with the marshmallow I barbecued, and then Glen just smashed it into his mouth! Okay fine, so it doesn't sound very adorable or anything, but it was simply hilarious at that time! Just imagine the awesome Benedict and his seducing tactics(what he can do with marshmallow on a stick) and Glen just coming in all of a sudden. FU-NNY :) After that and more chatting..oh and..apparently some lame racist jokes and hilarious Glen comments, Ben, Siti, Schuyler and Glen went home and the rest of us played Rock Band. JY just watched us though. Oh oh, Qing's brother borrowed another guitar, so we all had something to play :) Sara is like super pro at the drums. She made me go 'whoa' la. Yup yup. Ah, we didn't take any photos though, sadly. Speaking of photos, I should post a picture spam soon. Hmmm. La-zy. *sticks tongue out*

Spent yesterday afternoon out with Sean at Orchard. Walked around Kinokuniya, and the Graphic Design section reminded me of the $40+ book I wanted to buy from PageOne last year. Yeah, I never got to buying that book, and neither have I really designed anything lately. Except for maybe this current layout, which as you can see isn't really much. Anyway, we had lunch at Yoshinoya and we walked into Zara thrice and Mossimo Dutti twice. But we didn't buy anything haha. We were at Takashimaya though, and he helped me with the Father's Day gifts. Except I think I was making most of the insane decisions haha. Saw Joel Han, except I was kind of covering my face with my hair 'cause I don't know how to say 'Hello'. Stupid, I know. I am 99% sure he knows it was me though. I think I heard him say my name. But anyway. Sean and I went to Paragon and walked into stores I know I can never afford -unless I was a millionaire's daughter, which I am sadly not- and then we went to Marks&Spencer -Food Section- but I couldn't find the bunny cookies I love so much. Despite the fact that I already know they were only selling during Easter period. Heh. Oh oh. The cute guy wasn't working at...the store that sells expensive clothing and I fell in love with a denim jumpsuit worth $300. Well $299 actually, but wake up to reality, right? Yup. I was in awe when we went to Muji, 'cause we saw popcorn seasoning. Yep. POPCORN seasoning. Something like shaker fries it seems. Strangely odd but way interesting. Haha. ANYWAY.

Going out with Joosten today :) Ice Cream Chefs, finding Chemistry tuition and then study at Starbucks. *ahem* I wonder why Starbucks eh, Emily? *winks* I will -hopefully- be studying for the next 3 days..so if you see this before Sunday is over, pray for me please! That i'll be disciplined and study. AH heck, I need to be disciplined till I finish my last O level paper. Friday the 13th of November. Sigh.

Aye aye. I should really be sleeping now. Or else I can't study later! Ahhhh. I blame the School Graduation Certificate. No wait, maybe I should blame Mr Law. Aye aye. Doesn't matter, right? Hmmm.

There isn't a night without a star in sight. I really, don't want to leave. I tried to call but no one listened. I tried again, and this time, no voice came out.

Why is it when I start to make decisions for myself, the walls close in. Why is it when I open the windows and the doors, I get shut back in. Why is it then, that you want me to say something(anything) so much, but yet.

You know how it goes. I don't, never do, did I ever?

The last note hits. I still don't, want to leave.

Sometimes I think I have enough alarm clocks.

Somehow I always have doubts.

Mildy blaring: I Woke Up In A Car by Something Corporate

2009-06-16T00:48:00.007+08:00

Why do I care so much about what others say about me? What's the point in having role-models anyway. Im hopeless. Ugh.

At least, I think im trying very hard. I wonder if there are people out there who have lived and died without ever finding themselves.

Now I really feel like screaming. Out loud.

Who can I call in the middle of the night to talk nothing and stay silent on the phone with.

I bet you think im a very ridiculous teenager.

---

2:01AM. I feel like im missing something out.

I feel like im letting myself and the people around me down.

How do I pick myself up this time? Im creating so much mess in such little time, im afraid of what i'll do next. Why is it that I cannot stop myself from hurting others? And people whom I try to care for don't see it the way I hope they would?

Its the tiniest strands that's strangling me, as I asphyxiate under the surface. Beneath the murky waters, where my memories and feelings cloud my vision and I don't know what to think..nor what to feel, anymore.

Like a puppet on a broken string. Without a puppeteer and no voice to tell the story.

-And you conveniently appear and pick me up again. Why is this so?

Except this time im halfway through. Mid-air.
I don't see an extended hand. But hard, solid ground.
Hanging, and all that's left is time to tell.

---

2:28AM.

And I need to stop crying. try to get some sleep tonight.

2009-06-15T00:10:00.000+08:00

I wonder if im depending on you too much to make me smile.

2009-06-13T15:35:00.004+08:00

I wonder if I do correctly know the reason for your apology. If I am, its really a blessing to have you around.

Mini-YAH Day was cancelled and postponed to next Tuesday. Yep. Seems like the upcoming(and supposedly empty) week will be a busy one. Drama Rehearsal on Monday, Mini-YAH Day on Tuesday, Kinokuniya with Sean on Thursday and most probably LQ's BBQ on Friday, if she's really holding it. I need to study but I don't dare study lest I don't feel well again. This month's headache counts have been increasing. Watching car headlights makes my head pound more and the pressure keeps going up..and I know its not my breathing nor the air-conditioner running strong in the building. Its me and mummy's reason of me not getting enough sleep. -sigh-

Oh yes. Dental appointment yesterday was horrible. Was scheduled for cleaning on the spot and my gums hurt for being probed at. But I like the bubblegum taste of the polish. At least I think its bubblegum. Anyway, something was added to my retainers and it made my teeth hurt like mad when I put them on. Except the thingy came off yesterday so I have to go back and have it added on again. And this seems awfully random but I so hate taking Bus 67 from the West back here. I remember the last I took it from the interchange with Hao Pei all the way back..horrible bus ride. Why? My butt hurt and I couldn't fall asleep in peace. But thats definitely not as bad as having to stand 'cause it feels like im getting squashed by a million people, with bad -so sorry- body odour and the feeling of uh. The risk of getting molested. Yeah I know, who would want to molest me, right? But its scary! Its even scarier seeing people jump aboard from the exit and getting their bags stuck through the doorway. It would have been a real 'ouch!' if it happened to be any of their body parts.

I didn't want to go home yesterday after dinner(Pizza Hut) at Serene's, or some place near Crown Centre in Bukit Timah -very foreign for me- so I ended up taking 67 all the way to Tampines and caught Night At The Museum 2 :) I cried at the part where Amelia had to leave..tsk. Had a really great night yesterday though. Walking round and round every level to past time before the movie started and sitting at the playground talking about. Family haha. You'll probably be like =.=" but again, Thank You.

I felt really blessed for a moment there. Do you/Will you feel sad that i'll be gone to the other side of this little red dot?

:)

its a slow roller coaster ride; a million things in and out of sight
a sweet sweet memory; like clouds on a feathered sky

2009-06-11T18:31:00.004+08:00

No, not yesterday. Not today either.

Its amazing how I survived 4 hours of Additional Math today. Maybe its because Benedict and Mrs Wong were really entertaining, and 'cause I spent most of the later part talking to Emily :) I love Chemistry Spa lessons now. Mr Bakar is awesome! Of course Mrs Lim wasn't bad, and I really cannot wait to babysit her kids after my O's. Haha, yeah. Spent half a day studying Biology at the airport on Monday. Somewhat productive..somewhat not. As usual, I stoned a lot. I think im learning to be like someone now. Hmmm. Oh yeah. Im happy that I have managed to stay under 50kg for quite some time now. Yayee :)

Racharly are having a mini-YAH Day tomorrow, or so Emily says. First we'll be going to Ice Cream Chefs, then to find Chemistry tuition with me -really glad that Emily says she doesnt mind- and then off to Orchard. Dental appointment. I want Kuromitsu heh. Ice cream..ice cream. Sweets. Okay so I havent been having any appetite, but my mouth feels itchy, heh. *sigh* Orchard reminds me of Kinokuniya, which reminds me of Japanese magazines and the many months I have not bought them. Im so unfaithful haha. Oh well. Can't help it when im broke..and rather use whatever money I have left on books. Its a good thing though. So yeah. *shrugs* Ahhh. I don't feel like blogging now. My mood has been fluctuating pretty regularly lately. Ugh. Bear with me.

Anyway.

Hey. You. You. And You.
I don't want to be one of those easily forgotten people, someone you used to call as a close and good friend. I don't want to be a distant memory. I don't want to be around just because you need me and then be 'thrown' aside when you don't. I feel like im always left behind. Why is it that two people so close can drift apart so far in just a blink of an eye? I don't want to be the one you come running to everytime you fall, everytime someone else leaves you out of the picture. I don't want to be a substitute. And if you hadn't noticed, it really hurts.

And then we meet up, have our greetings, apologise for not having talked to each other in ages, chat a little while, and things become the same again. I don't think the routine is worth praising, and I hate it that we now cannot find things to say when we're together. I hate that its as if im never there when there's three people or more in the scene. Can't you be friends with more than one person at the same time? Cold wars and avoiding talk.

I don't feel that I know you anymore.
Oh and. What is, a best friend?

OH YEAH. Went to Tampines Mall with Emily after school today, 'cause we wanted to go to Yamaha to check out the prices of guitar strings. Turns out its much cheaper to get 6 new ones separately instead of buying a set. Pretty ridiculous but yeah. Had lots of fun and were in total awe at the Piano section :) A stranger said well done or something to Emily who was playing River Flows In You :) RA. I think you need to teach me again 'cause I kinda forgot the keys and I can't practice since my organ has collected years of dust :) Haha I just realised that my organ is camouflaged pretty well, since none of my friends noticed it when they came over. Okay maybe i'll play later. Heh.

Piano. Dance. Big room. Empty. Glass Windows. Light. Silence.
I can lie here forever and yet feel so much more alive.

Again, things from the past are revolving around me once more. Miss it, like it, hoping the dream becomes real.

Ahhh. What to wear what to wear what to wear. Argh. I need to revamp my wardrobe. Except mummy will kill me. Gosh I do wish I have extra allowances so I can spend yes, wisely, but freely too. Then again mummy doesn't have money so im not saying anything. I still cannot find the perfect pair of ballet pumps. Oh, mary-janes too.

Mr Lai, I know its very ridiculous and I will regret it. But I still like the Grand Piano idea. Maybe i'll have it as part of the Wedding gift thingy. Haha.

Anyway. I shall stop here. This post has become too random for our own good. Heh. My bad.

Its not falling into place. And I can't find the pieces to the puzzle.

--

814PM. According to your phone. You just messaged me. :)

2009-06-09T18:39:00.002+08:00

No, not today, you didn't.

8.42PM. Right now, im plugged and lying on my bed. Haven't done this in a very long while. You helped me feel smaller. This time, in a good way. The music is blaring, like always, but its all quiet now. Thank you. Even though you don't know that you make an impact on my life, even though you don't know that you make me so happy sometimes, even though you don't know that sometimes I wish you'd just ask. Thank you for being one of my most treasured friends in this lifetime. Thank you for being around.

As I step forward, I want to have new hopes.

I think that one thing im pretty content with, is the way things are right now. Maybe. Its these which words I cannot pen down, thoughts I cannot describe. Its just the. Feeling? :)

Silence, eh?

Thank you, you. Im somehow looking forward to being a guinea pig at the bakery. Home-made. :)

2009-06-02T23:05:00.004+08:00

And my lips go into an upward curve

O Level Chinese Papers 1&2 are OVER. Phew. I do plan to retake them anyway, and I suppose that's why my nerves didnt really set in before the papers. Anyway, at my standard now, I wouldn't be able to get my desired A1 grade. Doubt I ever will, but well, yeah. I lost about 8 marks for Paper 2 though, not enough time to finish it. The good thing is that the passages are easy to read at the very least. Putting that aside anyway, my June holidays are packed like..well, packed. School study programmes and seminars and most probably two drama rehearsals. Yep yep, I've stepped down but we're performing our SYF piece again in July for this..thingy, I dont recall what exactly heh. The thought of having to get slapped again isnt at all inviting, but I really don't mind performing again heh. Mr Law made my class do a study plan thingy for this month, but with the upcoming activities, it's really hard to follow my own study plan. You know, with last minute stuff and all. Plus, when the school reopens, I have to retake a few of my MYE papers. And if I don't get a B4 grade and above, i'll have to attend night classes. The thought of night classes is inviting really, just that..I do want to prove to myself and my teachers that I can do it. Even though it feels like cheating since they did tell us specifically on what to study. I failed 3 subjects for the mid-years. I feel like a failure already. Combined Humanities was just crap though. History totally pulled down my Social Studies marks. Tsk. Chemistry was a nice E8. And the other is my expected F9 grade for Additional Math. More practice huh. The worst issue though, is that my teachers want me to drop to combined science. Which, I have decided, NOT to drop. :) That's my final decision, yup. End of. Period. :)

I've been feeling really moody these past two weeks. Sorry if I've sounded cold lately or something. Then again, if its because you keep smsing me as if im responsible for you or well, being all cheery and !!!, too bad. I'll probably start ignoring you for the rest of my life. I DONT LIKE SMSING. Unless of course im talking to people who can make me smile or if the messages are important yup. I need. To feel happy. And I can't. I find it very difficult now. And it seems like my time is spent more in moaning in my bed for the whole day and not eating, than doing something more productive.

2009 Council Commendation wasn't really a blast except this year, the people who were never part of the 'camwhoring' gang camwhored like crazy. Plus, we invented a new game. Volleyball in blazer attire and court shoes. Oh..stockings too. Haha. Oh and, a shocking thing a few of us found was that a photo we took after the last commendation service showed up in the video. Well the shocking thing is that we have no idea how the EXCO got it, 'cause it was kinda of like a, our, our photo. Tabitha made a great speech too. Love her to bits. Sigh. Feels a little strange to finally be graduating. Plain odd feelings.

Sports Day was by far the worst day of this year for me. I couldn't hold my record..my 400m winning streak only lasted for 3 years. Stupid me didn't push myself to my very..limits. Lost to Siew Bin, though I must say, she's good, and I take my hat off to her. For relay we came in second, even though it was super close, but then the Sec 5s who got first actually cut lane and stalled 4J's other team, so in the end they were disqualified and we got first, 4J winning 1st and 2nd. So I guess the only 4-year winning streak is relay haha. The guys didn't win anything sadly. Yep..oh oh. Dylan got 2nd for Long Jump if im not wrong. :) For High Jump, I got second..and im actually happy because I beat my record by 4cm. :) Eliza got third because she was injured..so actually to be honest I don't think I deserve second place. Becky got 1st. Ahh the Sec 5s were pressurising for all of us lol. They're good though. Yup. Now. Cheer. We got CHAMPION yo! :)) Heh. Our video is on facebook..probably youtube too, not sure. So check it out if you want to see our..not very organised and amateur cheer moves. Heh. WE ROCK though. Im glad 4J has somewhat become more bonded after Cheer though. Really happy. I don't want to graduate with any regrets.

I want to watch Night At The Museum 2. Monsters VS Aliens is a super cute movie by the way, so go catch it if you have not. Ice Age 3 is coming in July! Can't wait! :) Rented 3 movies today : 'Bride Wars', 'Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging' and 'YesMan'. After watching Bride Wars on DVD and its special features on 'The Perfect White Dress', the more determined I am to get married in this lifetime heh. And uh, it really is every girl's dream to get married, not travel around the world. Well at least for most girls, thats true. Qing says she doesn't want to get married..but well. Things change. *winks* :)

Havent written anything substantial yet lately. Don't like how my mind goes. Late nights with Evanescence and MSN Conversations with Lynn. I actually miss those times. Though I hate the overbearing silence that happens so often in my house now, I want to live in a big house all on my own..and be at liberty to run out at night and run down the beach, feeling the wind in my face...

I haven't dreamt in a while.

2009-05-31T02:35:00.003+08:00

Sigh. Seems like i'll be free on the 6th of June now. I was really looking forward to it, not because it was YAH Day. More of because I was hoping that I could finally. Ahhhh.

God lead me my direction. Tell me where to go. Real friends, real personalities. Real me. Real world..reality..Real. Whatever. I can't think straight already.

Have I, changed?

Today, you took the step. I don't intend on second-guessing my intuition, and I don't want to take any chances. Let the Heavens play the game.

But.

Will you be the one who takes my hand and run down the beach with me past the scenic view of the everlasting sunrise?

2009-05-31T02:11:00.002+08:00

I WANT TO SCREAM.

I don't understand why its you who's popping into my mind now, but I know I cannot bear to face myself this way. Its unfair. To both of us. Though really, its just me, has always been.

You're always there. Only when I wish the opposite, huh.

But i'll say it anyway.

2009-05-24T01:23:00.002+08:00

Mid-Year results were really horrible. L1R5 score can't get me anywhere in Singapore. O Level Chemistry SPA made me cry like a running tap and it has been an awfully sad and moody week.

"Sure anytime if you need me :)"
- and yet the simplest and most casual things you say can make me smile

Its only been two days.

2009-05-17T03:16:00.006+08:00

the first note thunders and the play is on rewind;crimson words on hotel paper, tattered and unkind

Im sick of crying, I want to run away
I want to run away
I want to run away
I want to run away
I don't like that pale face in the mirror
With bleeding lips and clenched fists
I don't like that everlasting glitter
That streams down her slightly defined cheeks
I don't like the look in her eyes
But her windows force me into memory once more
Playback, rewind
Find herself at the core
Where the seed of beginnings of beginnings of the end
Piece together a crumbling film
Of past and past to present's past
Tonight the temperamental clock continues
So does her strained and tired beating heart
Where it pumps and her blood holds its risk
Of metal against skin
Of anxiousness against guts
Of sudden pain, non-stop adrenaline
The feeling rushes, stop the buts
The voice calls, its far and deep
Her woes echo and I hear myself weep
Picture the planted mannequin, whose mask
Is a loosened hanging tapestry, depicting play-pretend
A group of untrustworthy preachers, with looks very much the same
They do not move out to her periphery, she cannot free herself from shame
It moves faster, past the white corridors
Hall of rainy days and rainy faces
From her windows I see a mess
But I am her, no less

©opyrighted2009 ireland-kiss Charmaine.CWL aka A.S

2009-05-09T23:40:00.003+08:00

my face is wet and its not drying up
my tears are warm but I feel the cold
im lying in my outside clothes
waiting for the dawn

my voice is stuck now
far before my throat
i think its you who's strangling me
and deep deep down

im panicking
desperate for the light
of the one-way road
to bring me through this fight

far as i can try
far as i can see
far is where you've put me
without my only key

2009-05-04T22:40:00.003+08:00

Never knew you could paint clouds for a backdrop. I prefer natural. :) And I think I finally know how it feels like to have your parents stalking your blog.

Today was the start of our Mid-Years. English Paper was horrible. I wrote off point for the essay and screwed up the format for the proposal. Comprehension was a total killer and well, never in my life till today, did I write a 237 words long summary. Screwed, very screwed. Putting that aside though, I do hope i'll do better for the upcoming papers. Except I know that I am really unprepared. Chinese O levels in less than a month's time! *shivers*

Studied with Joeltangywangyfirstaidkit after English Paper today. It was supposed to be a productive study session except I had a little bit of gastric at one period of time and I was really sleepy. Even now I still am, so I really should be going off already. Come to think of it, I shouldn't even be here! Heh. I tried losing a kg today too, except it didn't work 'cause I ended up eating dinner haha. -sigh- I really need some strength here, to pull me through all odds, and up from the grave.

RANJEETA. I NEED MY YA DAY. Im such a...but yes, I NEED IT. Im just worried though, that I will end up still the same after YA Day. Then it'll have defeated all purpose. Bleh.

You caught the line all right, and you're reeling back in, fast. I don't know how to stop the gear and I can't seem to cut off the line either. What do you want from me, now?

It might make me a little sad or disappointed, but please. Don't turn back and catch my eyes.

2009-04-27T00:42:00.006+08:00

you were hanging off my mind, but you caught the line and reeled back in.

Happy 450th post!

And now, I haven't been blogging much have I?

Oh yes. SYF results : Bronze. We sustained it, thats the good part. :) Bad part...why bother, yes? :) and blow the candles out, the stars are shining bright in the mid-summer sky tonight

There was English oral last monday, horribly done I suppose? My examiner was Mdm Wong again. Ahhhh Emily and I prayed so hard so that we won't get the examiners we didn't want, but we ended up getting them. lol Mid-years are approaching horribly fast, the first paper starts next Monday. There's Chinese LC this week though, but thats really a different matter. I've been attempting to study, but they've always resulted as failed attempts. *chuckles* Had two Cheer practices with the class last week, good to see that some of them are really giving it their all. Scot, for one, is pretty enthusiastic about it. And yes, I still don't have any feelings for him, and NO, Sean Poon is NOT my boyfriend. He has been my best friend since Secondary 2 and nothing more. Just thought I should really get that straight, though I doubt anyone really checks up on my page anymore now, eh? Anyway, back to cheer. I think Jun Yuan is a total spoiler, but im just going to stop here. Oh yes, we(Emily, Schuyler, Joel and I) had an hour long talk with Mrs Anna Lim after practice on Friday. Now I know how the system works. Went to do some research on the college subject combinations, and I realised how limited it is. Well its not actually, just that they don't really offer two subjects from each stream. And not Biology on its own. At least not for the colleges im aiming for. Plus, I cant opt for DSA because there isn't, not for Drama anyway. Even if I don't go to college but a Polytechnic, 9 points aint exactly digestive. Though its L1R4 la, but ahhhh. What a chore it is to rack my brain and plan for my future. Though I already have, its just. How well I can do for now, and my subject combination for if I do manage to enter a good college. And screw, because ACJC is in Clementi and i'll be staying at Jurong. Interesting. Either way, im far far away. Which reminds me. I don't want to leave the only place I remember, where stars are abundant and memories are held from when I was 10months old.

Nothing much in school lately. Same old sequence of teachers coming in class after class, to tell us our MYEs are nearing and how our O's are important and that we're the best class so we must work hard yadda yadda yadda. Okay fine, not so much now. They still stress it, but not so much now, no. I missed one and a half days of school last week though. Was sick on Monday night, went to school on Tuesday morning, came home early, went back to school on Thursday. And now I have cough, which have made my voice coarse. Well, more like husky. And i've got SUN BURNS. Attempted to train for Sports Day after cheer practice last Saturday, total failure too but Emily and I had fun :) I think? :) We had FROLICK again too, and we sat at staircases :)) Studied today at the airport, and I mean STUDIED, not 'ATTEMPTED TO', studied. Spent 9 hours mugging with JoelTangywangyfirstaidkit :) Though in between there were of course moments of eating lunch, going to the washroom, stoning and chatting. And looking at adorable toddlers for me, other than the fact that they once again ignited my want for an older brother. Anyway, I attempted a question on his Physics worksheet, and I know im right about my answer, 'cause why? 'Cause it was partly Chemistry. Haha.

I should really be getting into bed now, though technically, I already am. Haha. Shall ATTEMPT -seems like its the word of the day- to post soon. :)

I know I am afraid. For you, 2 years 3 months it has been. It should be working out soon I hope. Yes girls? I await. For you, im not going to wait till graduation. Forget, for good. Yes girls? I await. For you, what false hopes am I hoping for? This is so not going to work out, haha. Yes girl? Agree with me, please.

"We'll look weird(strange) together!"

I think i'll be all right. Im not in the blue no more.

And for the record, I haven't been shedding tears at dinner, no extra salt, no. Then again, haven't had dinner with them in a while.

Im to meet Father for dinner this evening. God, help me.

2009-04-19T01:04:00.002+08:00

I had my biggest mistake when somewhere in my heart, I was missing someone else. I know I was a horrible person then -or fine, maybe even now- but I learn from this mistake. So look forward to Boy-Hunting at Jurong Point? Haha. *wink wink* That shall be a RaCharLy Leong day. Ben can comment at the girls and women who pass by. :)

Today was an AWESOME RaCharLy day :) No 'Leong' 'cause Ben could not make it. Yeah. Ahh well. :) And I don't feel like blogging anymore heh. Ohoh. SYF results are out. But I have no idea how we did. Yet. Hmmm.

I feel that I've been brought back into the past. Lately, the things around me seems so much to be revolving around things of my past. And today, that strong love for the piano's melody rings in me again. Dance hasnt stopped. But I haven't grown, in the fact that I have not learned how to step out of my comfort zone. And hey, this is different from Drama, honestly. There's still not one thing I know im really good at, yet.

Though im still not sure if it'll work out. I do hope I will forget.

2009-04-14T23:28:00.002+08:00

I've got two ulcers and my thighs hurt.
BUT.

ITS SYF TOMORROW. ITS ABOUT 14HOURS FROM NOW. And I am sooo not supposed to be online now. pika-chuuuuu To think after 4 years, im actually finally graduating, stepping down. That tomorrow's my last day. Then i'll be part of the alumni..wow.

And I can't wait for Saturday! Sushi, Cheesecake...and FROLICK! :)

Emily.J, Lee Qing, Schuyler and I went to T1 for FROLICK today :) Emily recommended Peach, which i've not tried before, and it was awesome! :) But I shall have original flavour on Saturday. Relive the very first taste. Ahhh I wish I had a Frolick machine at home, with overflowing frolick, heee.

Aye. SYF. Ahhh. I am freaking out, worried as. Hell.

2009-04-10T03:47:00.002+08:00

Happy Birthday Lynn! :) Happy Sweet Sixteen dear! I hope you're doing well. :) Miss you many many!

O Level SPA was HORRIBLE. Chemistry sucked 'cause I didnt know how to present my results, and I didnt stir the magnesium chloride solution while heating it! Biology was when I felt really anxious about, God knows why. Anyway, didn't do well for that too 'cause I was short of time and couldn't finish my work properly. Bah.

TWO more rehearsals to SYF next Wednesday. I hope it goes well. -sigh-

There's so much I don't understand, things I cannot comprehend. I try so hard to not walk away, and thought I don't, I still am avoiding, ain't I? And I don't get it at all. I want to breathe.

I, I think,
I need some direction.

2009-04-07T00:44:00.003+08:00

My playlist's a meanie. It starts with 'Im Getting Over You' and follows with 'Im Yours'. Rawrr.

Soul Eater is overrrrrrrrr. And the last few episodes of Shugo Chara Doki have made me emotional...ahhhhhhh. I need to stop thinking about things I shouldn't be thinking about. I don't why its like..i'll just start to tear when I think about it and. OH. And yet I can't cry properly during SYF haha. But thats not the point. The point is. Im lost. And the things around me just kinda put me back into memory.
I don't even know where you are now. I feel stupid. So walk away.

We always tend to miss the moments and pass them by helplessly. So why is it that the feeling lingers and pulls you back. And I can't blame no one but myself.

But you don't know how I feel. And you don't know anything.

One Year, Six Months - Yellowcard

Sew this up with threads of reason and regret
So I will not forget. I will not forget
How this felt one year six months ago
I know I cannot forget. I cannot forget

I'm falling into memories of you and things we used to do
Follow me there
A beautiful somewhere
A place that I can share with you

I can tell that you don't know me anymore
It's easy to forget, sometimes we just forget
And being on this road is anything but sure
Maybe we'll forget, I hope we don't forget

I'm falling into memories of you,and things we used to do
Follow me there
A beautiful somewhere
A place that I can share with you

So many nights, legs tangled tight
Wrap me up in a dream with you
Close off these eyes, try not to cry
All that I've got to pull me through is memories of you
Memories of you
Memories of you
Memories of you

I'm falling into memories of you and things we used to do
Follow me there
A beautiful somewhere
A place that we can share
Falling into memories of you and things we used to do

Two Years, Two Months. And Im still falling.

2009-04-02T21:39:00.002+08:00

And though she tries her hardest to let the feeling go, the cause is from the catch of eyes she cannot throw. The rush of adrenaline cannot be stopped, and her mind goes off and wanders.

"Stop it!" , this time I'm screaming. "Make up your mind, please."

Even logic can't place its blame on him. And its all about me, all about me, all about what I can't seem to yet control.

Im still hunting for a pair of ballet flats.

2009-03-29T21:52:00.001+08:00

sequel number one.two.one.two

she screams save me
but no one hears a thing
she screams for it to stop
but has no voice left to sing

he watches as she runs
runs from fate till she falls
he watches as she breaks
breaks from falling and her head

she's beaten, torn and bare
yet no one seems to care
she cries her final goodbye
with tears of no man's lie

©opyrighted Charmaine Ch'ng Wei Lin a.k.a A.S

2009-03-29T21:49:00.003+08:00

its starting again

its chewing
its rapid
its not giving time for rest

its churning
its burning
deep deep inside my head

im fighting
im living
for whats worth from the dead

but i dont think i know where im headed to no more
im lost here lying naked on the floor

©opyrighted Charmaine Ch'ng Wei Lin a.k.a A.S

2009-03-29T20:36:00.000+08:00

déjà vu

its a rush of adrenaline
its screaming in my head
its churning up the thoughts
there's no more to be said

its like a film on rewind
no point reading between the lines
its hitting and it won't stop
entwined like a thousand knots

a second, a minute or two
fast so i dont get a clue
trying hard to find the truth
but its always a tooth for a tooth

©opyrighted Charmaine Ch'ng Wei Lin a.k.a A.S

2009-03-29T20:32:00.003+08:00

it's speaking.

there's a crying imp inside my head
intending to play me till im dead
for sins i've not yet paid
the life today leads as fate

sorry was yesterday
karma is tomorrow
today i dont know what im saving
but its all just fading goodbye

its running past now
its running again
its like a whirlwind
so deep a mess it cant be cleaned

i think im missing the pieces
i think we're fighting for the right
we're both bleeding now
its not a pretty sight

the thoughts are like crystal shards
they pierce and play like cards
you win you lose
but whats not for you to choose?

©opyrighted Charmaine Ch'ng Wei Lin a.k.a A.S

2009-03-29T14:24:00.006+08:00

2 years 1 month. What I keep repeating to remind myself that it has been too long.

HAHA. Im sorry, im just feeling happy for this split second 'cause I actually composed a song in CHINESE while I showered last night. Who knows what I do in the bathroom, huh. But anyway, yeah. People who know me, -more of the past me, anyway- would know that I do this while bathing. So anyway. Yeah, I came up with lyrics and a tune in CHINESE. Haha, and well they obviously suck. Need I even say more, right? :)

But putting that aside, this blog is really just hanging. And well, there really has been much that has happened, since a long time ago. Really just havent got to blogging it down. Uhh. Let's start with. Before the March holidays. Hmmm. We ended school on the 11th. 12th was Meet-the-parents. Mr Law actually talked quite a bit this time, so mummy was pleased. Haha. Hmm nothing much. Result slip was a shocking piece of paper. A1 for Pure Literature. For something so impossible, since we dont have any idea where Mr Yeo actually got the marks from, yeah. A1. Ohoh! And one F9. Additional Math. Haha. :) Most of my classmates are blaming it on Mr Ng -the21yrold- but oh well. And ANYWAY, Friday the 13th was Founder's Day. Had SYF training in the morning, and then it was home rush home. Councillors had to wear our blazer attire, so it got really annoying having to wear new stockings and tearing holes in them cause you haven't cut your nails. XP But anyway, yeah. Nothing much really. Ceremony was a bore, as usual. Except for the singing parts whereby Andre and Nicholas were behind and singing extremely loudly and 'opera-ish' on purpose. Haha. I was so worried I would trip on stage 'cause of the cod shoes, and yes I did trip a little on the steps haha. :) I didnt really care to be honest, about smiling while bowing since my family wasn't there. Thats putting respect and formality aside, of course. Im still nice. :) Dinner was mad, 'cause Siew Bin added a lot of food onto my plate. Haha. Uhh yeah. Ohoh, this is so late, but I've got a new granddaughter. :)

Uhh. March Holidays were filled with Drama Day Camp which was pretty much boot camp plus SYF, and annoying 3hours-long Chinese lessons. I did get to skip one lesson, 'cause we had to go to ACS Barker to practice for SYF. :) And its all the same, I still love their swimming pool. :) Drama Camp was hell honestly. Haha. We had to jog 4X2 levels, a few rounds in the carpark, and say our Jog Cheer at the same time. Plus other strenuous activities, yep. That led to many of us getting muscle cramps and what not. I was limping for a few days haha. Scary huh.

ANYWAY. School soon reopened, lalala. The usual. Tiring long hours in school and not enough time at home for relaxation and oh. Not enough time for sleeping on buses on the way home. Putting that aside, Synergy Night was on 24th March. Brilliant concert really. Emcees rocked the stage, Handbell was cute -well Mabel&Crispin were- and Michelle kept smiling. :) Choir was. Suprisingly awesome, yes. Cute cute Terrence. And Band was just. APPLAUDS. :) The others were great too. :) Synergy was just, splendid la huh. Hmmm.

Oh yes, SYF update. Aloyscious finally slapped me! :) I know it sounds so wrong for me to actually be happy about this. But its good. Its a good trigger for my tears to start falling in our play. And why he has to slap me, -yes, literally slap- its a long story. Bring forth the arsehole father And I cried like a mad idiot during training on Friday. Whee. At least my heart's open now. To be honest, I know I still cry, but I've been closing up my heart lately, and praying to God to keep me strong. One thing I remember very deeply is that you said "Crying isnt a weakness" I really hope we can at least get a silver for SYF this year. Im graduating, and though it will really feel good to graduate now, things happen, and I want some things to happen. :)

P.S. Asshole Father is a song by Sick Puppies. :)

Now its full spam of words I wrote while on facebook. I know, why facebook, right? *winks*

2 years 1 month. I don't understand why the memories make me cry.

2009-03-11T01:26:00.001+08:00

I'm really sorry you guys didn't do well, but congratulations anyway.

I hope you're okay, and I hope it gets better soon.

2009-02-25T22:51:00.004+08:00

Its been more than a month, huh. This blog is rotting away anyway. My tagboard hasn't been spammed, at least not for the past few months, it hasnt. And im supposed to be doing my SS homework now though I refuse to be bothered. Much has happened since 2009 began, and too much to put down in words itself, too traumatising -or shocking, rather- that I just don't know where to start. I won't say "Start from the very beginning." This post will then never end. At least not before midnight arrives.

ANYWAY, THE POINT IS, I haven't got a point. So, yeah. Ohoh!

My NEW YEAR RESOLUTION: -im just coming up with this-
1. No internet on weekdays. (this worked for a while, till this week. Like right now.)
2. Less than 5 hours of internet on weekends (working on it, working on it!)
3. No TV. (not a problem really, just that I watch dvds with mummy sometimes)
4. Sleep before 2am every Sunday-Thursday. (doing pretty well, I think)
5. STUDY LIKE MY LIFE DEPENDS ON IT. (im too lazy to mug, but I do!)
6. SAVE MONEY LIKE RECESSION MURDERS (wait, it does!)
7. Eat less, but stay healthy (yes, you can really start to roll your eyes now)
8. Prioritise and listen (I am TRYING to)
9. Stop procrastinating.

And I shall stop at 9 'cause its my favourite number. I'll add on somemore if I can think of any.

I studied Biology with Lee Qing at Starbucks last Sunday. We're studying again this Sunday, and I hope we do so every Sunday. Haha. These last few sentences sounded so...'sentence'. Hah anyway, yeah. I've gotten closer to LQ this year, feels a little strange since I have never talked to her last year -well, hardly anyway- but im getting used to it. She's so funny. Okay but anyway! Im happy to have her as a study partner, thus this para is to show my gratitude. Haha okay not really. But ahhhh. I need good study partners! Partners who wont fall asleep and slap me on my head when I do. Partners who will study long hours with me without distracting me with nonsensical stuff. Ahhhh. Okay then again, nobody's perfect. And even though you wont see this, THANK YOU LEE QING. YOU'RE BETTER THAN. NOTHING. HAHA. XIAO QINGGGG. :)

Aye. I haven't watched any anime nor doramas in a month. Sad, aint it? Anyway. Watch this if you have a thing for dance, like ME! :)

Their balance is a little jittery, but their synchronisation is brilliant! :) And I still cannot take dance classes. *pouts*

And so I look over to the other side.

2009-01-18T14:54:00.002+08:00

There's a lot of things that I don't know, and some of which I don't want to know.

And I don't know why, but I hope that you're okay.

I cry on every birthday, my birthday every year. The same thing happens.

2009-01-05T00:30:00.005+08:00

我头很乱，心也恨反
自己不知为了什么一直哭

我是累了，但就是哭也哭不停

究竟为了什么，我们彼此逃避
我连说一句“我喜欢你”也做不到

应该放弃吗，我自己也做不出决定
也许对你来说，离开的理由不重要
也许连“对不起我要走了”也很难说出口

两年了，而过了这么久
我还是一路在等着，默默地等着
等着你应该给我的理由，而为什么

但看来我们都一样

2009-01-04T02:05:00.000+08:00

Happy Birthday, boy
You're sixteen but I don't get you at all

2008-12-31T14:46:00.005+08:00

This year you forgot
Deliberate I think not
But will the next year be the same?
I feel sad and so ashamed.

Maybe time has gone too fast
Maybe this wasn't built to last
I think I should let go now,
I shouldn't stick to the past.

But it hurts and my heart can't seem to part

It was a world away,
But yet I can remember like it was yesterday.
Sometimes I feel like crying,
Whenever I hear the song.

My feet would never move,
When I watch the staircase by the store.
I don't take buses, and not remember you
My perfect grudge for an ipod,
Now has a new meaning come true.

I didnt want it to be real,
It made me sound like the television.
But when it gets close, my heart just reopens.

The questions unanswered, needs to know the truth.
The truth about the lie, and the truth about why.

Another year has gone now, and I don't know where to go
Time is going again, and I've lost the will to keep me back
All I can do is cry, and wish for words again
But rest assured, the dust won't be lifting.

I've gotten used to the pain
Another farewell, another start
I wonder if next year you might remember
Becaus I always, do

My birthday was horribleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. I spent like 3/4 of it in the car sleeping on the way to KL. -sigh- Its the last day of the year today, and I thought i'll cramp my december stuff all in one post and start 2009 anew. Seems like im just too lazy, heh. But i'll do what I can. Hmmm.

LETS SEE.

I spent the 1st at SGH 'cause of my operation and I had to stay overnight just in case. Reached around 7plus in the morning, then went to register and went to my ward blahblahblah. My op was around 9 I think? Anyway, they had me change into this robe thingy, where the ribbons are behind so I couldn't tie them myself. A really nice Chinese doctor came to take my blood -like, a lot- and mother was so freaked out. Hahas. I was kinda staring at the tube though. Felt kinda cool. Blood. Hmmm yeah im a very strange and freaky person. I don't get scared when I see blood. I like it? Hahas my whole family is strange la huh. ANYWAY. When they transported me to the operating theater? That was when I got really scared. Even though it was a really small operation la. Ehhh. I finally get the feeling of watching the ceiling lights go past, fast. Not a very nice feeling? Plus, you're facing the ceiling, wrapped in a blanket, not knowing where you're being transported to. I got really pissed with the doctors and nurses though, 'cause they kept asking me the same questions and if I knew what operation I was going for. I know it's their duty, but it did kinda get pretty irritating having to answer the same thing over and over again. When they finally pushed me into the operating room, which is a pretty neat place -haha-, I was shivering like mad. Like literally shivering, 'cause it was really cold and a robe is all that you're wearing see. Okay maybe I shouldn't have typed that, but anyway. Yeah. The doctor was like, "You left all your big veins at home" They tried the needle on my left wrist, but couldn't find my vein. Next was my left foot, along with the same results. Then came my right hand, and I was lucky to not have to be jabbed the fourth time. I refused to fall asleep actually, but then I was completely knocked out by the anesthesia.

When I woke up, HAHA. I felt like I just 'died' or something. Reallyyyyyy. I was in the recovering room, but I didn't know that until the nurse told me. I was like really scared, having to wake up not knowing where in the world you are, what happened, and why you're in so much pain. Trust me, I had trouble breathing. I tried sitting up, and got scolded by the nurse, haha. Apparently my BP was high -I think?- and my breathing was shallow. Well yeah, my chest hurt like mad. Every breath I took was really very painful. And im not trying to make it sound exaggerating, but it really really hurt. I couldn't get out of bed the whole day, and my mother had to feed me my dinner, which I vomited out anyway. I vomited like seven times on the first day, and I couldn't stay awake for long. The anesthesia probably hadn't wore off I guess, 'cause I kept falling back to sleep. The longest I would stay awake to see who was around was probably like 10seconds? Haha. I went home on the second day, and I walked like a snail to daddy's car. Wanted a wheelchair to be honest, but yeah. Spent most of the time sleeping at home, 'cause I still couldn't move around much, much less breathe normally. Started going online at night though, and dinner became healthy for the first three days. Fish porridge. Yep. I had fish for like the whole week though, 'cause my grandmother went to buy like, a lot. Yup. I felt pretty handicapped really, 'cause my mother had to like bathe me and stuff. Sad, actually.

Was supposed to attend 'Snow White and The Seven Dwarves' on the 6th, but BENEDICT LEONG PUTT QUEN and ALOYSCIOUS PHUA JIA HAO AKA FISHBALL stole my rights to go. 'Cause of my op and stuff, and so they got replacements. Hmpft. But anyway, yeah. Went out to town the next day though, like finally. Hahas. Needed to breathe some fresh air see. Having to stay in bed the whole week wasn't exactly very exciting.

ANYWAY. Went out on the 9th with Jasveen and Sean. Asirah was supposed to come, but she was busy that week, so instead Sean tagged along. Yup. We went to Cineleisure, watched City Of Ember -disappointing can- and took lots of neoprints. Made a lot of noise at the neoprint booth too, haha. Jasveen had to make sure her hair was neat before the shoot, and I kept scolding them and telling them to hurry up. Heh. Hmmm. Walked around after the movie and saw lots of stuff I liked. There was a tube playsuit -whatever you call it- which Jasveen and I had our eyes on, but we couldn't fit 'cause their XS was too big for us, hahahaha. Hmmm, then we went to The Heeren. Where we spent ages at. Jasveen bought a white belt, and 'cause she's really scrawny, the salesperson had to punch a lot of holes for her. Hahas. Then...we went over to this boutique where I bought a dress to wear on my birthday and to the wedding lunch, and also another top I think I'll probably use for clubbing next time. I don't know. I don't think I'll wear the top that often, heh. Anyway, we had dinner at Takashimaya basement, where I had Yakitori takeaway and the other two had Korean. On our way back, we stopped by The Body Shop and I spent quite a bit there too, heh. Then we trained home and yeah. Haha I laughed a lot that day I think. Smiled a lot. Ehhhh.

On the 11th, I went to get my stitches done at the polyclinic, and my wound bled after the whole procedure. Painful much. Hmmm. I don't really recall what happened throughout the 3rd week, and then the fourth week...here goes.

On the 23rd, went to school early to learn the dance for the Hildan Torch performance. Cheat my feelings can. I shouldn't have gone. A bit of a waste of time. Anyway, after the meeting/dance practice, I went to Nana's house to meet up before we went to Sentosa. We had our Drama Club outing at Palawan Beach that day see. Really fun, lots of strange things happened. Like stepping on really slimy seaweed, and being piggybacked by Rara 'cause I was too scared of the sea and what my feet was touching. Heh. Also, we saw many other disgusting things but yeah, I shall not say them here, haha. Ehhh we tried watching the sunset, but couldn't really see much. Yup. Picture spam shall come soon. 24th was Christmas Eve, and mummy, daddy and I went to Earle's Swensens at T3 for dinner. Christmas Day hahaha I dont remember what happened. Sad huh? I only remember that there weren't any good shows to watch on the television.

26th I went early to school for the Groundbreaking Ceremony. Super waste of time, kind of. Pretty boring see, and we pretty much just stood there ushering people who didn't really bother. Yeah. Ehhh 27th, we went to Mr Rashidi's place! Crash over haha. Really fun there, missed our Big Drama Daddy see. Had dinner there too and we left pretty late, so I was rushing home for my birthday. Had to cab home, yup. Birthday wasn't exciting. Attended the wedding lunch and gosh, Jie Geraldine looked really different, took a while to recognise her at the start. Yup. I think im a paedophile -oh noooooo!- 'cause I have a fetish for young cute boys right, and there was one at the same table that day, and he was SO ADORABLE! Plus, the way he coughed was just sooooooo cute! Haha I was really going 'ga-ga' over him la. Heh. Anyway, after the lunch, we left straight to KL, and reached about 8plus? Yeah. Had dinner at Dome's. Then hotel sweet hotel. We stayed overnight at The Sheraton, The Imperial. The suite was awesome, hahas. The Luxury Collection. Really nice bed, lots of space for parading around, and a very nice bathroom with mirrors and glass windows. Hahas. Yeah I mean it like people can see in when you're bathing, glass windows. But its so pretty! Well yeah. Ehhh. Next day we had breakfast buffet at the hotel, then left to KLCC for more shopping, and then to the Pavillion as a last stop. I didn't get anything, which is sad but yeah. Honestly, all I enjoyed at KL was the hotel suite. Heh. Anyway, when we came back to Singapore, we had dinner at The Prata Place which is also near the Singapore Zoo! Which I have started to miss already. My sniffy! Heh.

Hmmm yesterday was spent mostly at home, finished up my English Letter Writing, yup. Refusing to do my essay though, heh. Ehhh lets see. I have lots of homework incomplete, like my Biology so im really screwed to be honest. -sigh- Anyway, went to school for EXCO Meeting today, then went for brunch with Su-Lynn, Clarence, Daryl and Abdullah. Went to the ICA Building after that, wanting to get my IC done, but my mother had to be there to sign something regarding my simplified Chinese name. So yeah. Came home. Saw Fadhil at the bus stop but I didn't dare say hi 'cause I wasn't sure if it was him haha. Ehhhh. Im going out for dinner later. Last Day of the Year 2008 huh.

2009, I'll be in Secondary 4, and my O level's will be drawing close by the HOUR. Oh yeah, im still in 4J hahas. Found out today at the EXCO Meet. Yay. :) Hmmm. 2008 has been one really eventful year. Be it studies, Drama, or Council. A lot of stuff happened. Academically, everything was new. Pure Literature was so different. I still remember how everyone failed the first test. When I first got my A1 I was so happy I cried in class. Mrs Wong KF proved to be the funniest and cutest Math teacher, with the strangest matching clothes. Fu Lao Shi really showed how she couldn't stand fishball and how she lies about showing us movies, videos and whatnots. Mr Law remained as Mr Law, but I dont trust him anymore regarding what's coming out for tests. English deproved like mad this year, Emily and I couldn't believe it, Pure Biology and Chemistry proved to be too tough to handle. But I intend to handle it anyway. Studies declined drastically this year to be honest, and now I know how scary it really is. Drama was full of events, performances and whatnots. Sec 1 Orientation, Founder's Day, Arts Treat Day, End-Of-Year Performance. Council was busybusy much. Forum presentations, Elections and Camps. Be an EGGYOLK. :) Social life? 3J is the everchanging class. Anddddddddddd.

As usual, I cried a lot this year. But I think i've come to terms with quite a lot of things.

Though im still really disappointed whenever close friends say they'll call but they never do. Andddddddddddddddddddd.

Im still finding it.

Goodbye 2008, Hello 2009. :)

P.S. WATCH THIS. RARA YOU BETTER WATCH THIS.

His Yorkshire is so adorable right? Rocky isn't that smart. Haha. Well then again, my dog wasn't trained. Ra, im awaiting to receive the card. :))

One More. Its a really really nice song, and though it doesnt really have a Christmas Joy feeling, its a REALLY SWEET SONG. Ohoh! And I love the set. There,

So I guess farewell it is, then.

2008-12-28T10:52:00.002+08:00

Happy Birthday to me,
Happy Birthday to me,
Happy Birthday to meee,
Happy Birthday to me!

I wasn't born at midnight so I dont know who the first person to wish me will be. If there will even be anymore wishes anyway. But let's take it as im FIFTEEN! Like finally, for now I can say how I am pretty much the same age as everyone else in the clique. Though my sweet sixteen won't come till a very much later date. 365&aquarter days from now. I still can't apply for my IC yet though, until tomorrow. But I will be at KL so yeah. -sigh- I haven't started on Biology holiday assignments yet. And I need to get a new set of school uniform cause my skirt can't fit me. Actually can lah, just a bit tight. But HMPFT. See? It's the perfect proof that im FAT. Okay maybe not fat lah, just really growing sideways. ANYWAY. I don't want to be in 4H! Just when I got used to the 'J', here comes 'H'. And did I mention that it really sucks having to be in the first class? I realised my last two years before graduation is having to school in the first class. Which sucks, as said before, and is really tiring. You're competing with people who can't be bothered and others who work their arse off. Plus, every teacher who walks into the class expects a lot from us, maybe too much. And though I want to continue the needless rant, I shall stop. Im left with not a lot of time to dress up. Will be attending Jie Geraldine's wedding lunch today, then going straight off to KL for a two day trip. Or 1N2D whichever suits. -sigh- I don't want to go.

Why did you continue playing those childish games with me?
Then suddenly leave me all alone, confused and scared
I remember every year, I wonder if this year you'll remember too
Or is it really just goodbye, should it be the same the next year too?

2008-12-25T22:46:00.004+08:00

Hahahahahahahaha. I didnt blog! I refused to blog. Im too lazy to blog! And homework is pretty much still untouched. -sigh-

ANYWAY.

MERRY CHRISTMAS! :)

Anddddddddddd. I shall blog about NOVEMBER. :) Which was a busy busy month for me, and where the -ohmygosh- stuff happened. I dont feel like blogging already. Okay ANYWAY.

Uhhh. School extended till the 7th, and we had our classes at the new block..and school wasn't so bad, except that we had hours long of single subject lessons. Chemistry was pretty much spent with 3H, freezing in the auditorium, but the day when Mr Baka took our class was simply AWESOME. Heh. Oh and we were secretly eating jellybeans in class...and when Mrs Wong called my name while I was in the act, we were so freaked out. Turned out that she just wanted me to answer a question. Dots. And uhhhh. I didn't come for most of the second week 'cause I fell sick, and uhhhh I dont really have much to say. Hahas. Well the holidays officially started on the 8th, and it's going to end in a week's time. -sigh- Anyway! Nadia.c and I went to the zoo for a briefing on the 8th, for an SPH Little Red Dot Event. We got cheated. We thought the bus was like an hour ride, but it was only 35minutes, so we were really early. It wasn't 35minutes in the past! Anyway uh. The briefing was really short, and it ended around noon so we spent a few hours around the zoo, and we paid a visit to the petting corner! Where my beloved Sniffy and XiaoBao are. Though I still don't know which of the guinea pigs is him. I mean there's only one male and four females but this is a long story so I shall stop here. Haha. ANYWAY..hmm..Had SYF on the 10th, and we were really hyped up for it, yupp. Well pretty much anyway, since our EOY play was a success.

On the 11th, Nadia.c, Ben and I didnt go for syf and together with Emily went to the ZOO! For the Little Red Dot Event, yupp. Really busy busy day, whereby we had to be at the zoo by 7.30AM and well, we stayed miles away from the zoo so we had to wake up really really early. And I feel like im not typing like myself. But anyway, uhh. I slept around 4AM that day I think and had to wake up at 5.30? Honestly I only remember having to carry Emily's haversack in one hand, and a penknife in the other, walking right in the middle of the empty road all the way to Bedok MRT Station. For people who know anyway, it's really scary to be walking at the Nursery area near my house in the dark see. So yeah. SERIOUSLY,I was really scared. Okay but anyway. Hmmmm. I dont know, it was really an eventful day bah. Made a few friends and well yeah. I dont know what to type about it. -sigh- Here I go.

The Little Red Dot event is kinda like an amazing race around the zoo for primary school kids who subscribe to the magazine. Sooo uh, me and Siew Yi, a friend I made -duh- were in charge of like taking care of presents and stuff, while the others were at different stations in the zoo being gamemasters. Yup yup. Hmmm. A lot of awkward stuff I think. For me la anyway. And I refuse to blog about it on a second thought. Haha. Shhhh. Ra, shut up. And I refuse to reply your mail. Okay random. Hmmm, after the event, -yes it ends there! the ohmygoshpart1- we went to RainforestKidz World to see the animals! And my sniffy. Haha. We went to the restricted area where they kept the dogs and cats too, and played with them. We practically shared a cage with the four cats, and played with Shane, a huge German Shepherd who towers over me when im squatting and Smoky, a collie I think(?) who has different coloured eyes! :) Sweet. Hmmm.

I think there was drama on the 12th. If im not wrong anyway. I didnt go though, had an appointment at SGH. The 13th was spent celebrating Nazrin's birthday at Vivo. So there was lots of cake smashing, yup. Had dinner with the lot at Sempang Bedok, and when we were going home, I didnt have money to take the train so I wanted to take the bus -concession- but nana wouldn't allow me, and -whatintheworld- I ended up taking 10 with Adam to Tamp Interchange 'cause I missed my last bus. Ended up taking 38 home. Scary, since it was past midnight. Yupp. -sigh- Im just typing. -ohmygoshpart2- Okay, the ohmygoshstuff ends here. Really, thats it. I just can't type it out here. Because the people involved reads my blog -I think(?)- so then it'll be really awkward. Secret! But yeah Sean -BFF-, I'll tell you.

14thNovember was spent at the zoo for the RainforestKidz World opening. The whole bunch: Nadia.C, Emily, Benedict.L, Liang Kai and Scot. We went early 'cause the others had duty and while waiting, Emily and I had our lunch at KFC and studied our notes at the same time. It started raining during the opening but it was a fun day really. Had a great time at the petting corner and watching the kids squirm whenever I bring the guinea pigs to their cheeks for a free kiss. :) Had our faces painted too, and caricatures drawn which dont look like us anyway. Yupp.

On the 15th was KANATA HONGO'S 18th birthday! And im still pissed that Singapore's not showing any of his movies. HMPFT. He's starring in 3 movies which will be shown in december, if im not wrong. Well around this period anyway. Can't wait for the subs, though I don't really have a choice.

On the 15th was also Nadia.N's birthday and I miss crapping with her and Yong Lin. LUA YONG LIN, THE STUPID IDIOT who dumped us after he got a girlfriend. Hmpft.

17th was Good Hakka Girls 2nd year anniversary! Had SYF that day. 18th was our class lunch at T2 Sakae Sushi. Lunch was like late, around 3 if im not wrong, so I asked for people to study with me in the morning while waiting for time to pass. Honestly we didnt do much work, and I only managed to complete four Add.Math questions in a span of a few hours? Hahas. Ohoh! We studied at Popeye's, and we reached pretty early so we actually sat there and waited till they opened business, haha.

Had SYF on the 19th, then CA Duty on the 21st, 22nd, 24th, 25th and 26th. The last week was also the week Nadia.C, Aloyscious, Ben, Keith and I helped out at one of the productions Elnie was managing. We were backstage volunteers, basically, but Ms Abidah made it such that it was work attachment for us. The play, titled 'Dan Tinggal Tiga Baju Raya' was staged on the 28th, 29th and 30th Nov at The Substation. Yupp. It was a great experience, really and there was a lot of stuff to do too. Now I know how to fix a plug by the way. Hahas. The play was amazing too, I cried the very first time I watched the rehearsal, even though one of the cast was missing. Plus, their set is really awesome. I haven't got the pictures from Nadia.C yet, but I shall be posting up a spam of pictures very soon. I've been smiling a lot in pictures too, lately. Strange. And my most deliberate retarded faces dont look retarded at all. Haha. But i'll blog about that some other day. Anyway! The play was awesome, we got to be in bajus at the front of house before and after show time, played with whistling sparklers, and we met MR RASHIDI AND MRS RASHIDI. YAY. Haha we were so high when we saw them. Plus Ms Siti too! I miss her like crazy. -sigh- I hope Literature classes for next year wouldn't be a bore. The good teachers -fun ones at the most- are leaving/have left. -SIGH-

Anyway! I couldnt attend the last day -30th- of the play 'cause of my operation the next day, and well. The bunch didnt allow me to go anyway. You know, friends and their threats. Haha. So I didnt go, but went out the same. Watched Beverly Hills ChiHuaHua with daddy. So much for I need to rest at home. I didn't want to go anyway! Mummy couldn't go 'cause she was sick so yeah. -sigh- I need to stop sighing. And saying anyway, but anyway! Yup. Thats pretty much it for November, I could blog normally -like how I would ages back- if I wasn't lazy and logged on to blogger but too bad. December's ending soon and my birthday is in 2 days. It sucks whenever I have to tell people that I don't have my IC yet. Anyway, its 1:48AM now and I have to sleep because why? There's the Groundbreaking Ceremony later on. Report at 745AM in blazer and court shoes. Whyyyyohwhyyyyyyyyy does it have to be a big thing when it's about breaking apart a piece of wood? Or whatever the model shall be.

Aite. Good night, good morning. And Happy Birthday Nazri! I don't have your new number bro, sooooooooooo. I'll find you somewhere. You owe me my present from 2005 :)Not that im dying for it. It just gives me more reason to meet you and probably Ryan. I dont know! Primary 6 has loads of memories. Like Mr Farizan, Nisha, Hema, ooooooooh. And the track of course! :)) Okay bye.

2008-12-08T16:57:00.002+08:00

Okay fine, so I didn't blog. So much for "I definitely will", yes yes I got the point. Sorry. It isnt as if people read this blog on a daily basis right? I mean, maybe only one or two. God knows. PLUS, it is difficult to blog about what I would have, without well a few, reading it. But I shall be nice and blog anyway. See? The randomness cum stupidity has rose in me again. ANYWAY.

Uhhhh. The easier way. Im disoriented, but here I am, looking at my organiser...

I realised I haven't blogged about our show on the 23rd of October. Hahahhha. Im so lazy, I feel like ripping off the Drama blog again. Heh. Hmmmmmm. OHHHH. We had our SPA for Chemistry on the 21st, which was....quite 'okay' I guess. Except I redid my experiment in the last 5 minutes..not that there was any change in results. And uhhh. On the 22nd, we had our SPA for Biology, which was NOT easy. Talk about having good culinary skills in cutting up celery. Anyway, the 22nd was also our Bump-in day. And uhh I don't recall what happened during Bump-in. Such things I probably have to ask Ra. Heh. Anyway, the 23rd was AWESOME. Awesome AWESOME. 'Cept the fact that it was the last day of school for everyone else excluding my batch. Anyway, we left school early about 9.30am(?) to Marine Parade CC, or The Necessary Stage to get ready. Gosh..warm-up was crazy but our dear SM a.k.a Nadia Cheriyan made us happier by giving us little notes with sweets when we 'woke up' from our warm-up. Only Drama students will get this. I must say this again. I think Volleyball and Drama is comparable on which training is tougher. HONESTLY. Though it's the only CCAs I've been in since Sec 1. And yes, I still miss VB training. ANYWAY. Blah blah etc etc. Had one run before lunch and we all went to get dressed and our make-up done. Which was HAVOC. The two dressing rooms were messy like..MESSY. I just remembered that I cried on Bump-in day cause I made five mistakes on stage. First run on Performance Day wasn't any better. I still had a problem NOT accidentally pushing the stroller away. Wait..stroller? What do you call it again..? OHH. Anyway, thanks Adam Choong for painting both of them for me. :) It wasn't exactly for me la, but thanks anyway. :) Uhhh. Blah blah blah. I got really pissed when we got our make-up done 'cause of multiple annoying reasons that I had more than 3 people do my foundation. Either way I love Natalie and Vanessa, period. My red hair was scary. Haha. Everyone said it looked nice and that I really should get my hair dyed red, but I think I was overwhelmed by the fact that I really resembled an Ah-Soh. It's a good thing la, but yeah.

The Matinee show was HORRIBLE. The Sec 1s had to come watch us, and my dearest annoying 1E laughed at me. HMPFT. Okay but anyway, it was really bad because the House was open without the SM knowing and I shan't be mean and say why...Also, there were a few lighting and sound glitches, plus we finished the show before an hour was up. ALSO, I couldn't finish my line 'cause I was cut by dearest fishball and Kim. It was so scary laaaa, and I was practically freezing backstage 'cause it was really cold so yeah. But I guess we're lucky 'cause it wasn't the Gala performance so...yeah.

BUTTT. When the Gala performance came...-okay im sorry, im ripping-

------------------
WE DID IT!

HELLO EVERYONE!
WE DID IT, WE DID IT!
Never gets old huh? :D

Okay, so yes. It's finally over.
And we're allllll sad! Even though we used to go (sometimes) "Eee got Drama after school ah?" or "Eurgk! Dramaaaa!" because we were so tired and all, now we WANT more rehearsals! (SYF SYF! WHEE!)

I don't know how to start this post. -.-

It was freaking awesome!!!!!

The Matinee show was all right, but nothing beats the Gala performance at night (our Evening show)!

1) AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME AUDIENCE!
The Sec1s (afternoon audience) were a tad silent but it was allright! In the evening, our audience was simply awesome. They laughed at our lame jokes! And they gave us 2 applauds in the middle of the show! Wowww we were so happy. And Mr and Mrs Rash came too! And Miss Siti! AND Elnieee!!
Ahahaaaahaaa. Thank ya'll! And Mr Ong, Miss Yew, Mrs Sui and the other VIPs who supported us all the way. :D

2) NO SOUND OR LIGHTING OR PROP GLITCHES! THE CREWWWW!
Everything went smoothly!
Thank you to our SWEET SWEET AND THE BEST SM EVER, Nadia, because without your help our play would be soundless and lightless. And OUR SWEET SOUNDMAN, JEREMY!!! You did great for a first timer!
Awesome job guys! Ya'll rocked the control room!
Thank you to our SAs (Angelica, Carissa, Keith, Steven) as well, because without YOU, we'd be propless. :)
Thank you Leon! For coming and helping us! And also to our dearest MAKEUP AND HAIR AND WARDROBE CREW (Bel, Adam, Elizabeth, Audrey, Erwin, Joyce, Vanessa) for making us look fab!

And our dearest ASM CLARISSA, We're so so sorry for talking during our school rehearsals when we're supposed to be backstage. Haha, YOU DID AN AWESOME JOB.

3) TEACHERS, FAMILY AND FRIENDS!
Thank you Miss Abidah for everything! Even though it's only your first time handling us, you did great!! Sorry if we were un-cooperative at times, we love you!
Also thankyou to Miss Munirah, Mr Sharil, Miss Lam and the other teachers who helped us! And also to the Aesthetics Society Members and Handbellers who helped us in the reception area and being ushers. :D
A huge hug to our family members and friends who came to watch the play!! Thanks for giving us your support!

4) THE CAST!
WOW GUYS! We did great too!!! Lol. I'm gonna miss rehearsing with you guys (for the play).
Aloy and Su, ya'll did a great job in portraying I and the Prince. Gabes, even though people thought you were a puppet (this includes my mom), you did great. And you have a really nice wig. Natalie and HuiXuan, thank you for working with me (Ra) as my beloved scholars. You guys did great! The Chorus (Hidayah, Ben, Erica, Nicole, Melody,PohYee) did a brilliant job in switching roles so well! Charmaine, wonderful job. Very good. Kim! You cheeky old woman, haha awesome as the granny!

:D

All in all, we did a brilliant job.
I'm so glad that in the process of making this play come to life, we have really bonded so so much.
The Sec1s which seemed to be silent are actually really loud and funny! Some of us who were never close have bonded really well. And some who were once mortal enemies (ya'll know who you are, wink wink) might actually become pretty good friends after all.
We're all one big drama family!
-Tears-

-----------------------and there you go, by Ranjeeta dear.

Can I stop blogging already. This post is super long. -sigh-

Im both nice and not.

The Drama Club Councillors except for HX met at Kovan MRT Station's McDonald's for breakfast on the 24th. Met Liwen. Yup. Uhhh then we went to meet Hui Xuan and walked to our Campsite with Mr Kwok for the Council Camp. Like, duh. Uhhhh it wasn't really a campsite 'cause we slept on beds in a GB Center. The councillors applauded to welcome our arrival after the show the day before...and well we all got teased for our characters. Im blogging like a machine. Anyway. We had an amazing race at Sentosa that day..and on the way there the boys were teaching everyone the Ninja Clap. Hahas. Which is funny I guess. When you see them do it, anyway. They also went, "Eh Maggie! I don't want to drink water! Give me your Special Pills!" I endured that all the way till camp ended. Horrible much. Ohoh! While we were at Sentosa, we ran by a crime scene. Somebody died/drown I don't know, but it was in the newspapers. What a thing to remember from camp, huh. Anyway, it was really fun I guess..though the only person I was talking to was pretty much Mabel only. I admit, I wasn't close to anyone in my group so yeah. That aside, I guess I did have a lot of fun during my camp, and bonded with those in my group quite a bit. Had Mass Dance that night, partnering became a strange issue for Tabitha and me. In the end I partnered with Dylan, who was -sorry,- totally UNCOOPERATIVE. Anyway, yeahh. Aye aye. The whole Council was crazy that night though. Uhhh. Oh yeah, the Drama girls had one whole room to ourselves but we were freaking out about who was to sleep at the sides 'cause there were four of us, and six beds. Plus, we slept with the lights on. Hahas. Okay so the point is. What we learnt over the camp was.."Be an eggyolk!" I dont want to blog alreadyyyyyyy. Im going mad. I'll blog after tomorrow aite? Im going out with Jasveen tomorrow, yayee. Hopefully Asirah can make it! :) Heeren, here I come! Okay im sorry. Just bear with this strangely disoriented me for now. If you're reading this, anyway.

2008-12-06T09:41:00.002+08:00

I don't care if there's no one at my door
I don't care if there isn't a long line waiting

I'm not going to force myself to think, to ponder,
To clench my fists and worry

I''ll just wait till the second
If I can smile, just once more

Then maybe I'll walk this road again
And be a little more sure

I'm not taking any chances
Should this be counted as one

I'm not taking any risks
No paper planes nor rose petals

Don't think 'guts' are in the picture
It's really just a decision

Since that promise has been made
Continue with it I shall

Why the hurry, why the rush
Winter season is here but it will pass

When Spring comes, so does the answer
Will I smile, will I just walk away

Will I tell myself that I am doing just the same?
Can it just be a little different?

2008-11-30T23:53:00.003+08:00

Its 7 minutes to midnight.

Happy Birthday Nigel, who won't ever read this.
Happy Belated Birthday to Yuuri Chinen-kun, who won't ever read this either.

They both turned 15. My turn will come in 27 days and 5 minutes. If im correct anyway. Too lazy to count.

Anywayyyy. I know I said i'd blog. About the ohmygosh stuff. I will, like in the first week of December I definitely will. Since i'll be stuck at home anyway. Yup.

I've never gone for an operation before. I feel excited about having one. Its so..new. Strange too, anyway. And anyway, I told my mother that if I went for an operation and fell into a comatose, I wouldn't want to wake up. Either way, having to stay overnight in a hospital sounds scary enough. I don't really like the sound of it. Anyway. I should stop saying 'anyway'. Heh. All right, til the first week then. If im still around to use the darn screwed-up notebook my mother passed down to me. And screw MSN and all its components which makes everything else lag.

Its 12AM here in Singapore, there's no ventilation in the room and I feel like everything is not going to be all right. Happy Birthday to those born on the 1st! Oh. Which is Keith. Wong. Happy Birthday you......person. Goodbye! :)

Oh. The boy downstairs is no more. Wordplay honey, wordplay. Arbitrary. Wordplay.

2008-11-14T23:00:00.006+08:00

HAPPY 18TH BIRTHDAY KANATA HONGO-KUN!

Happy happy happy! For him, anyway :)))))))) I shan't say I love him, because I know I don't. Though I MUST say, he is an

AWESOME ACTOR AND MODEL AND TALENT

for short and he holds a big place in my heart, even though I don't love him. There :)))) He's 18! Hee.

Aye, I don't know what to say already. The past two weeks have been pretty messed up, especially the one that's gonna end in 2 days. -sigh- Too many things happened, too little time to digest it. FREAKY, period. Im scared...but uh. Yeah. I shall blog about these freaky -ohmygosh- stuff another time and uh, disappear. Right.

Ohoh! Im posting this at 11pm on the 14th because Japan is an hour ahead of us. Yup.

Aite. I hope im not being stalked. Okay, goodnight then. And phew for now. :)

2008-11-08T03:05:00.002+08:00

SCHOOL'S OUT!

The above mentioned sounds CHEESY, yuck. Anyway, yeah. No more school for the next 54 days before school reopens. *sniffs* Yeah, I actually counted. I didn't minus off the days I have to go back for SYF though. I wonder if I have enough time to study during the holidays. Since I have to go back to the zoo for duties and stuff. Hmmmm. BUT -I sound so random, huh- the point of posting this at 3.10AM on the Saturday morning I have to be at the zoo at 9.30AM, is BOYS.

Nadia, Emily and Rara are sick of hearing me say these. But yeah. BOYS.

1. They are INSENSITIVE, DUMB, BLUR, EGOISTIC, MORONIC FREAKS. HMPFT.

Okay, my apologies im being mean, but I dont wanna take that back either. I mean, why is it that they suddenly get all friendly and then suddenly don't talk and then suddenly get friendly again? AND why is it that they know im supposed to be pissed at them and we give each other the ignorance and the eye, and they can still say hello to you within the same hour!? Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. Do I care. Dots. Im laughing at myself now. -sigh-

I just don't get it. Much like how boys dont get girls anyway.

Just like a paper in the wind.

I HATE PUDDINGS -TYPE OF HAMSTER-. GINGERBALL BIT ME TWICE. AND TIFFANY BIT ME TOO! HMPFT. Only my mum would name a hamster tiffany. -sigh- Winterwhites are kind-er. Okay random. Bye.

I need to sleep now, or try to anyway. Nadia will kill me if im late, since im meeting her. Ahhhh. I miss Church and all the people I know there. Especially.

2008-11-04T15:12:00.003+08:00

Im crying. And I know that I am screaming but there's no sound.

They don't get it. Do they even have feelings? For me, at least? There isn't a word to name it all. Words can't possibly even describe what i've been feeling. It's always been my fault, hasn't it? Always ME. Never you both. Im not a sand bag. No wait, im not your loudspeaker.

No, my throat isn't going to get any better.

Crash and Burn?

Goodbye.

Goodbye to images I want to stop appearing. But just like before, this plea will go unheard. So goodbye. Goodbye to yesterday, today and tomorrow. We can not talk for days, months and years. I don't mind. Im sick and tired of having to please you. Im ill too. Damn, I wished my 14 year curse worked.

2008-10-30T18:46:00.003+08:00

これは悪い

I was watching One Pound Gospel, which is supposed to be full of funny scenes right? So I laughed at them, but then I cry. Which is way too strange for me right now. Its as if I can just cry on the spot. And right now, my house seems more like a hostel than a home. Though then again, I never really felt at home. And when friends say they'll call, they never do. I talk to no one but myself. Not even my dog.

I dont think people will believe me when I say I feel small. They'll think im looking for pity, that im acting it all out. Maybe what my past is, or what my feelings now aren't big compared to others out there. My answer for that is, for me, I dont think im strong enough. I dont feel strong.

Have you ever tried to hug yourself? And know that you're so big you can't reach out? You don't feel any warmer? Do you hug whats nearest to you and hold it all the while, crying, staring out into space? Do you feel everything and yet, nothing at all? I feel I do.

They say some things can't be explained. They say things like past lives and memories that were never lived are illogical and it'll probably mean you're suffering from some mental illness. They are illogical, but I don't think im crazy. I don't think im special. But I dont feel the same. What is the same? What is sane? I get scared so easily. And I feel really tired. I don't think anyone would hear when I say goodbye. No one talks to me and is bothered to listen. Sometimes I tell myself it's for myself. But what's the use? What's the use if there's not going to be anyone there who sees you feeling happy or seeing you as what you are? They say lives are short-lived and we should enjoy every day of it. Its fleeting, life is something really transient, isn't it? Like how some things will be remembered, and how some won't be. Today, yesterday, tomorrow. Every day. Im saying. I want to short-live mine.

I know how it sounds like im just wallowing in self-pity and how im procrastinating and all. But I don't know anything that really makes me feel better. The feeling is fleeting too. I realise I smile, but its just for that tiny moment. Then I feel myself shrink back in, running away. I know I shouldn't, and that I need to learn to be strong. But its not easy. And im tired. Im tired of getting people to listen, im tired of finding my place. Im tired of wanting to be certain of things.

One day I hope i'll act up again and because of it I can go to sleep, forever. I feel empty, heavy, drowning in my own sound. Tonight isnt any different. My hair stands even though its not the chills.

Surrounds me, it does. Engulfs me, it does. Feeling afraid, I do. Running away, I try. But I can't get it out of my head. Why does it come back when I talk about it? Why now? Why years later? And I still feel afraid?

Counting the time, but yet. What do I find?
Life, love, loss.
Pain, tears, false.
Scratch, cut, scream.
Tonight I feel the same,
And I know it's not a dream.

2008-10-18T16:06:00.007+08:00

Hello. Like yeah, hi, after a long one month of rotting away in the midst of my books, or so I say to make myself feel better.

Hmmm, talk about updating, there's a lot I have to write in this online record journal of mine. First off, the Off Centre play us Pure Lit students went for? CHEATED OUR FEELINGS CAN. They showed us just ONE scene and talked about it after they broke from their characters and interacted with the students. Oh but, Emily Gan is REALLY FUNNY. She's so cute, and its really an experience however, watching the actors portray or trying to portray the characters. Though all in all, it still sucked. Heh.

Uhhh. Emily, Ben and I passed the Rainforest KidzWorld training test! =] And I have a grudge against Bam, or the 'Black-and-white' rabbit. It left holeS in my tee when I carried it. HMPFT. Putting that aside, I haven't seen Nat in AGES. Plus I am kinda excited to go back on the 14th of Nov to see the animals again! =D And if you dont know what im talking about, im talking about the Zoo. =] Ohh! And our CA outing was..fun, maybe. We walked A LOT. And we walked really high up and down too. Which was scary, especially since I have a phobia of heights. Though its really cool, and I'll post up some pictures soon. Yup.

Hmm not much for the month of September, except that I failed pretty much every test I took, -well yeah, I failed P.Chemistry throughout Term 4- and our EOYs started. Of which are now over anyway, thank God, but my results are really way too horrible. I was happy for my SS and Elective Hist paper because what I studied for came out, but I only passed SS by two marks and a 32/50 for History. English was really bad too, and pretty much everyone is pissed with Mdm Norhani(sp?) because of our essay results. Either way I didn't get an A, and my overall is a B4. Chinese was really annoying, 'cause I once again got a 69 for which one freaking mark could get me my first A, but no its a freaking B3. -Just let me rant, please!- And Chemistry was close cause I passed by half a mark, but I got F9 for Biology. Which is sickening cause I got my expected mark. 39, on the dot, F9. I don't think i'll pass my overall..but yeah. Math was ARGH, and I got a B4 for both. Pure Literature results made me cry. I might have got like 24/25 for my essay, but I did really badly for the last two sections. Overall a B3 and I cried 'cause..I felt guilty. If you give me a while I think i'll start crying again if you talk about Mr Rashidi. Leaving, anyway. -sigh- Exams. Huh. Im still stressed.

Hmmm. OHH. 3J won Class Championship! Yayee. We beat 'the crap out of' 3D mainly thanks to U-Suggez. Yupp. We shall win everyone flat out for Sports Day next year. HMPFT. Okay anyway! We beat the whole school with over 700 points, and we celebrated a bit of the money prize with a Class BBQ at Lee Qing's place! Her snowball -Shih Tzu- is ADORABLE! 'Cept he likes to chew on my index finger. It was pretty much a success, until the crowd started leaving. Emily and I were pretty disheartened by that and we ended up leaving too. Yup. Her dad sent me home, and he is SUPER FUNNY! Plus, scary too. Haha. =P Hmmmm. Not much to update about on my life. Its still the same. Stress, lots of crying and fighting. Ohoh! I hung up on my dad, fought with him during lunch at Sakae and I used my sarcasm on him! It felt really good okay. *grins* We're pretty much having drama -as in CCA- every day now, since our play is on the 23rd! Which I am totally not excited for and freaked out about. Ms Munirah says im really like an auntie -when she watched the rehearsal- and thats supposed to be a good thing, but I felt so..grossed out. My pictures look really unglam. Hahas. But yeah, Drama huh. My last production! Have to do really well for it. And for myself, too. Hmmm not much already, though...

ON THE JAPANESE CORNER
BIRTHDAYS!
-KANATA HONGO-KUN'S BIRTHDAY IS IN 27 DAYS! I feel excited laaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Im happy for him. Though being 18 is pretty much a big thing. Yup.
-OHOH. And Chinen Yuri-kun's 15th birthday is 5 days later! As in, the 30th. YUP!
~~I would like to say mine, but it shouldn't be on the japanese corner.~~

ANIME!
-The OST and EDS for Bleach 190 or Season 10, is really good! Way cool. Then again, Aqua Timez never fails their supporters, right? *smiles*
-Vampire Knight Guilty is out! Like, long ago...but its so heartwrenching when well. The cool parts come. Ohoh! And I like the EDS for it, and Zero is still hot.
-Im watching Blood+ with recommendations from Xue Jun -okay maybe not really recommendations, but anyway, ya- and its pretty okay. Though im only at episode 2 but yeah.
-I have finally finished watching Naruto, and am in the middle of the Shippuden episodes. I pitied my computer during this period.
-Shugo Chara Doki! is out, though the episodes aren't fully subbed so well. I canNOT wait!

MUSIC
-My wants for CDs never die.
-Hey! Say! Jump is releasing their new single, Mayonaka no Shadow Boy on the 22nd, not like you care, but im watching the PV now -actually a few times, already- and they have seriously GROWN. Happy happy! And these are the times when I'll 'hyperventilate'. Here! WATCH IT, ~~damn you~~.

RIGHT? They are simply growing hotter by the day. And they have totally kept the Black, Cool side of their outfits from their last single. Though their new hairstyles -for some- leave me speechless, I think Chinen-kun looks nice with the eyeliner! OHOH! And the part where Nakajima-kun says 'Shadow' is sooo...*gasps* Hahas. And uhh, I think I shall stop this. *giggles*

-Thanks to Asirah, I really like DBSK or Dong Bang Shin Ki or -they have too many names, seriously!?- yeah. Which is a KOREAN boyband, WHICH I supposingly do NOT like. Though they are mostly stationed in Japan -I think, and that makes me feel better and less guilty- under the name Tohoshinki. Yup. Max or Changmin with the voice reaching tenor, is hot, plus the lead vocalist Hero whom I think has a lot of fans. Nevertheless, I like their music..which have become too many of my favourites I cannot decide which to upload here. So yeah.

DRAMA!
-Scrap Teacher! I haven't watched it yet, but I am excited! And I can't start on it 'cause im not done watching Sapuri.
-Im really happy I bought the DVD of Seito Shokun Original, though it was bought in JB. Plus the fact that I can say 'How original can it be?' since the subtitles annoy me and well, it wasnt from Japan, yup. Still, HAPPY~

BOYS
-Kanata Hongo-kun is starring in two movies, 'Aoitori' and 'K-20', which also stars Kaneshiro Takeshi. Yup. Small role in the latter, but nevertheless he's a busy boy.
-Nakajima Yuto-kun can do the moonwalk. And its freaking smooth! -im finding it, im finding it!- There!

Oh, uh, you don't have to watch the whole thing. Yeah. Its just that part, but its so WHOA right? Talented. =]

Okay, I should stop. Hahas. Hmmmm, I'll post again soon. Before the month ends, hopefully. I mean, my two SPAs are next week, plus my play and the Council Camp, and then 2 more weeks of extra lessons for us Sec 3s. Life is, tough. And busy. But i'll try. I'll probably come back everyday and rant that school sucks etc. For now, goodbye.

Actually, im better at goodbyes than hellos.

2008-09-07T04:37:00.004+08:00

なぜか

This is going crazy. Im going crazy. Mad. Insane. Really, really, lost.

2008-09-07T04:14:00.003+08:00

4.10AM

24thAugust2008.
Last night: I dont know why my bed feels like ice tonight. The air's like steel, so cold yet so surreal. I feel the tears I just let fall from what seems like empty sockets that have seen pain in its different portraits.

A ghostly face you see in this dark. Look a little closer, im just a blood lost petal upon a naked bark.

P.S. There are no grammatical errors with 'blood lost'. I just type a little differently, don't I always.

I feel like my body is shaking. I think I see that it is. But im in this dark, so does this mean my eyes are playing tricks on me? I close my eyes and I get scared. Do nightmares make you shake before you sleep? The turning of the fan and the occasional passing by of a car. It sounds like any other night, except my heart is getting heavier. I plead for the blanket, just at the touch of my toes. Too lazy to pull it over me, maybe its better if I stayed frozen in the close. Sing me a lullaby I ask, but to no one do I get a reply. I think im shivering now, my head is starting to ache. I feel small, like I always do and tonight I don't mind hugging what I hope for as a small body to be worried of, to fall upon as. I see I better try to get some sleep. Less the nagging mother wakes me up in a fit I rather not have a part in.

4.24AM, 7thSeptember2008.
Right after watching episode 8 of Seigi No Mikata, I opened up this blogger window. Im still crying. I know im really obsessed with Kanata Hongo-kun, and that should be bad right? I went out to get my phone while crying, and the door hit my right cheek bone, which still hurts at the moment. Don't ask how it met, but you can ask about the pain. OUCH. I need to stop crying.

I shall stop blogging. Im sorry im not updating. Im only blogging 'cause I had to say that I cried. Argh. What japanese media and boys can do to me.

Im in love with a boy I never met. 'Love' leaves me to ponder. I always thought it was just admiration. Its just fan-girling right? I cry for everything. And I wish him the best in his examinations. Damn. I am obsessed.

2008-09-04T17:32:00.011+08:00

Its this one day I feel like im invisible. They don't care, but she says yo anyway. I tell myself what the hell, but when we lack the common sense, it probably shows that we're human anyway. Thats why, you can laugh.

They say the past carves the future. Or your present changes your future, whatever. My past brought me here. Am I even working to a future?

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

I can go on but then i'll really just go mad. Seigi No Mikata Episodes 7&8 are killing me! I just watched the preview of episode 8, and im really hoping that shinata doesnt kiss. Thats Shida Mirai and Kanata Hongo by the way, not like you would care much about how I feel right now, but OUCH. -sigh- Kanata Hongo-kun's role in Seigi No Mikata is really different from those he played so far, and its really a new insight, 'cause he's so much happier and cuter now. Okay, the cute part will always be there, just that he smiles more and he just has this 'longing' look thing on his face. And reality wise, -this applies only to Rara- I finally know how I stand beside him! As in, height wise, where I stand when I am beside him. I don't feel so short now, but...anyway! Gosh im obsessed. Oh well.

I have been 'blogging' a lot anyway actually, just that I do it by texting through my handphone, and saving the message as a draft. And right now, im being random. Im using my mummy's old notebook right now, after she got her pink vaio one. Screw the pink, love the notebook. Anyway, im only using this notebook because I can't access the one in the study room when my sister's boyfriend is over. And you don't really get a thing but im saying it anyway. Oh, and my mother doesn't believe that I have a bad day everyday. Well I do, and call me a pessimist already, but there's always something in my day that triggers the angst within me. Growing up? Puberty? Give me a break, im turning fifteen this year. You know sometimes, I feel like I don't have a mother, a father or a sister in my life. Its just me alone, all the time. Its just me and my life in a big space with people I don't know. Yet, they aren't strangers. I whine. A lot. But she never listens anyway. Whether its a request, a cry, a scream. Even if its a simple say-hello, she's never really there. You can't even hear her now. You don't know if she has a heart, much less whether or not its even beating. Its silence in the midst of all the noise. You want to hear, you long for voice. Yet nothing reaches you. I feel scared tonight. No wait. I feel scared every night. I thought -well maybe I still am- that running away will be such fun. I just don't know where to run to. I can go on like this forever, or get out of it all. Im just missing some ropes and answers. Or at least, I think so. Doors close where they are open. Hearts close when they are still. It has always been like that, right?

When was the last time she ever said sorry for physical violence she left invisible emotional and mental imprints on me? The last I remember was too long ago.

So I guessed the last I blogged was last month, huh. Hmmm. Okay, I think shall start on with what happened on the 16th. That was Joyce's birthday, but she couldn't hold a party 'cause drama students had to watch 'Day I Met The Prince' and 'The End' at the Arts House, which is really cool. Plus I had my very first frolick. Pathetic, I know. Oh but before that, we had the crappy E6 Cluster thing, which I woke up really early for, and had to wait at my bus stop for like super long 'cause the first bus comes much later than I expected. Basically, our school was like the host/organiser for some Teachers' Run/Walk thingy which was held at TPJC, and it wasn't fun, trust me. Not when you are doing my job anyway. Which is recording, by the way. I got anxious again. Hmmm anyway! Back to drama. After the plays, I left for Bugis to meet up with my mum. Benedict.L was being a smart ass by telling me to walk straight, okay actually not just him. Not that I blame you guys, its just ya. So yeah, they told me to walk straight to some building that apparently looks like SMU from afar and then i'll reach Bugis already. I ended up at Funan IT Mall, what the heck. The House of Parliament is really cool though. And anyway, had Sakae with my mum for dinner, and she was so different that day, really. She was actually pretty NICE with me, and she bought me a bag from Fie Japan. Im still hunting for a clear umbrella! Okay uh yeah. I don't remember much, but i've been pretty pissed with myself for not buying all the august issues of my favourite Japanese magazines. I missed out on a lot! And I mean it, I MISSED out. And anyway! The next day was Nadia.C's birthday! Made her a necklace. Ehhhh. Joyce had her party, and like every year since Sec 1, I turned up at the same place, welcomed with a lot of food. And I mean, a lot of food. Anyway, was quite okay I guess. Jasveen left early for tuition, and Asirah and I were the last to leave 'cause we ended up chatting with Joyce for like up to an hour or so. Ivan was sitting in listening to our conversation, which is pretty cute since he's a guy and he doesnt really know what we are talking about. ANYWAY, yeah im just going on and on ranting im really sorry.

OKAY. :) Im just going to forward to Jasveen's birthday which was the 22nd! We planned to not wish her at all at school, and she WAS pretty down. Then we got scared. But anyway yeah, got to smash a bit of chocolate cake on her face at the canteen and yeah. I feel like saying something but I think I shouldn't. Not that it has any regards to Jasveen though. Anyway, Ben's birthday was the 23rd, which was also the day when I went for the Literature Seminar at ACS(I) with Sean, Nadia, Shu Yee/Yi -I forgot again!-, Amar and Arjun. Truth is, I don't think I learnt much from the Seminar, and I need to say this. RI boys cannot spell 'corporal'. And some of the schools presenting cannot pronounce their words properly! And we have people going 'fantaty' instead of 'fantasy'. The point is anyway, Nadia and I were dying. Sean too. :)And Rara, im sorry my plan of helping you find him didn't work out! Actually it did, just that the feedback wasn't helping.

Hmmm. Not much I can remember to blog about my daily school life, ahh. I've been sick at least for one day each week though, been falling sick a lot this year. Mrs Ho thinks im stressed, hahas. I am yes, but.. -sigh-

28thAugust2008. The last day of Pure Literature lesson with Mr Nazrul Rashidi. Damn, we cried like mad that day. Just like a spoilt tap that couldn't be turned off. He's been a great teacher/dad/friend to many of us, and being the Teacher in-charge for Drama for a whole two years, my EL teacher since Secondary 1, and my Literature teacher for 2 and a half years, he has seriously left a big impression on all his students. He's in MICA now, and I do hope he has found his place. It still annoys me, and I still hate the fact that he's gone, but im happy for him too. And now that he's gone, there isn't a teacher I can talk to, except for maybe Mr Lai who will tease me halfway through, but yeah. There won't be anyone who would bring me outside class and stop me from crying further, or tell Michelle to buy Green Tea for me or bring me to the washroom to cool down. There won't be anymore Aspiring Book Readers Club, nor anymore Yo Mama jokes, or anymore lame crappy yet hilariously Mr Rashidi moments. All of a sudden I really miss those times we would go out with him on school business and as a Drama Club. McDonald's Ice Cream treats, BK and Swensen's treats. His stupid orange juice and that monkey face of his. His annoying quiksilver possessions like his big bag and all his Marks&Spencer sweets and all that rubbish on his desk we helped him move. We made him a big card on Teachers' Day, and I baked him the muffins he said were good when I made them for him during Secondary 1. I miss his laugh, his face, his annoying PMS and temper, and screw. I never cried for a teacher before! His last day at SHSS was on the 29thAugust2008. We gathered outside the MM Office and cried like mad. Im glad I escaped when Ms Yew decided to talk to the bunch of us who cried and showed us her Wall Of Legacy. -sigh- The fact that he cried too was so painful. He's really the best teacher I had so far, and probably the only one. He's irreplacable. And I think this is getting mushy but I really love him. He has been a good dad, anyway. Im gonna throw stones at your window at MICA. I don't care! -Okay, no I won't do it.- But I really wonder when is the next time we'll meet. I hope he attends our EOY Play though. Hmmmm.

Okay. I need to stop here. Will blog again tomorrow I guess. About FF -FarewellFest'o8!-.

No use crying, she thought to herself. No point worrying about what's been done, what had happened, no point worrying over results. I think to myself, 'the likeliness of a good product has a one percent probability. For now at least. Talk about having faith and working hard. It hurts everywhere. Everywhere you can't even specify where even if a doctor comes knocking on the fragile skin thats holding you in. Talk about finding peace, and you find yourself in silence. Its an even scarier sound than with noise alone, or screams if you wish to compare. As you choose neither, you're back to square one, wondering how you got this messed up. Try to put the blame on some father figure or so that man tried to pull off, and its like a never ending game which somehow still gets you back to square one. Im tired of running, of prejudice, of experiencing and being unable to deal with the pain. Most of all, the pain.

Im thinking, im used to seeing bloodshot eyes and a ghostly face in the mirror. I realise I never really minded the smell of blood, and the sight of it alone against this coffee creamed skin didn't seem a bother. Silent tears from the adrenaline, ouch for the scars.

2008-08-12T16:42:00.008+08:00

She wore a dress.

She cursed, cringing as she slipped under the pouring rain.
“Bad idea,” she murmured to herself, with unconcealed annoyance upon her face. Her hair was ruined, and there wasn’t a cab in sight. Rainy days were salvation to her when she was unhappy, needed sleep or when she had to let loose. Not for when she is angered due to the fact she’ll probably never find a solution to communicating with her mother without flaring up.
Parents? Selfishness, stubbornness, stupidity. Retribution for walking away from an issue? Or retribution for not bringing an umbrella? Karma, ouch.

Okayyyy. Where shall I continue? I realised I have loads to post about. Hahas. Oh yeah, I totally forgot to type about the fact that I hate Father's Day. -random- Well yeah, I do. This year's one especially. My father needs to have better fashion sense, seriously. I can't believe he brought me to East Ocean Restaurant dressed up like crap. Im sorry, but its just humiliating? Plus the fact that he just has to feed me with some strange expensive food like bamboo clam and stuff. Point number 1, I don't enjoy the luxury of eating expensive food like abalone and shark's fin. AND THATS SUPPOSED TO BE A GOOD THING! Point number 2, he needs to stop nagging at me about going to TP, 'cause I have no interest and point number 3, he needs to accept the fact that I want to go to college. POINT NUMBER 4, don't touch on the religious subject you idiot! I know damn well better than you do. ARGH.

Note to self: Control yourself, girl. Maybe the ranting isnt really good.

Putting that aside anyway, I have much to blog about, really. Even though you probably don't really care and -why are you even here-. See? Im being crazy again. Ra, this is all your fault. *smiles* See? Im being CRAZY again. Compose.

I have bad mood swings, I think.

ANYWAY, im supposed to blog about the Sec 1 Camp right? Yeah. Hmmm. Well we left school early on Tuesday, which was Racial Harmony day. Yup. Ohoh! I borrowed Siti's blue kebaya which was way shiny. :) Okay anyway, I cabbed home with Clarence, bathed changed then cabbed back to school to meet up with the rest and left for Jalan Baterah(sp?) Campsite. This sounds boring. Anyway, we mostly learnt how to belay throughout the whole afternoon, then went to sleep. Nothing much really. The real excitement -yeah, right- only began the next day. The worst thing about the first night was that we couldn't really get much sleep. Jasveen and I ate snacks we smuggled, listened to music and then well, she fell asleep. Whereas Joyce and I couldn't so we kept sitting up to scratch ourselves thanks to the mosquito bites. Half of us ended up changing bunks/huts instead when it got really irritating, yup. I think Tabby and I only fell asleep like at 5am. Anyway, we woke up at 7 I think? Then it rained, so we couldn't leave our bunks. Then blah blah blah. Oh yeah, there was this frog at the staircase of our bunk and the girls got pretty scared 'cause it wouldn't move and it kept jumping when we were going down or up the stairs. Yeah. Hmmm. Most of us played like volleyball and Frisbee while awaiting the arrival of our beloved annoying sec ones to come during lunch time. We had them lined up, then we did our 'pasar malam' whereby we ransacked their 'luggage' for food, games and electronic devices. Like, unauthorised materials? Yeah. We were hoping that they would bring lots of nonsense, cause we were the ones who would be eating the food they brought. Ming Yi, Ernest, Joyce and I took charge of 1D, and gosh they are really guai can. No handphones at all, but 2 chess sets, chinese books and a small packet of chips. One word: Nerds. Call that stereotyping but they are really a disciplined class. ANYWAY, cutting the crap.

Basically Joyce, Sarah, Melissa and I were in charge of F&B. Horrible, 'cause we had to serve the food, clean up the canteen and basins and clear the garbage. Which was gross, and also really tiring. We spent like over 2 hours cleaning up after lunch. You can imagine. Didnt get to do any belaying, or any obstacles courses much. Yupp. Joyce and I got to try a little bit of archery on the last day though. *smiles* We slept well on the second night I guess. We practically just knocked off. Hahas. Talk about falling asleep while listening to music. ANYWAY, camp was definitely much more fun for the sec ones then us la, since we were the ones behind the scenes? My dear Sec 1E were horrible, 'cause they kept making fun of Daryl and I. The usual bgr and getting married nonsense. They had their night walk on their first night, and as they were coming back they saw the both of us sitting there in the dark la. Daryl was part of the 'emergency team' so he was just sitting there, whereas I was the extra. Long story. Anyway, there was a lot of nonsense and the boys -Jeremy Tan, that ugh- said we were having a blind date 'cause it was dark. They are so adorable yet so annoying. -sigh- I was talking to Miss Choo and she said they gave her a lot of trouble. Hahas. Anyway, cutting the crap, I was suspected of having pox the next day 'cause of all the red spots the mosquitoes left. Mr Yeoh said they were sand fly bites though, which I think I agree with. Clarence got it worse. Anyway, I like..cried when they kept telling me I have pox. Thing is, I haven't gotten it yet, so its pretty scary. Mr Kwok got it twice, ha! Insects. Freaky. -I dont think im typing in my right mind at the moment, hmmm- Left early with Joyce on Thursday night though, 'cause we didnt want to miss Friday lessons. Yup. Though before I left, I cheered 1E on in their -whateverthatwascalled- game like crazy. I love them crazy la huh. 'Cept that they annoy me much. Joyce thinks Terence likes me. Oh well, im not a paedophile but I like him too! A lot of the female councillors have a thing for some sec 1 boy. Like Jasper, Rico and Moses. ANYWAY, got home bathed, slept and didn't attend school on Friday. Got a sore throat plus my whole body was like damn itchy? Couldn't really wake up anyway. Yeah..that wasn't at all interesting a post about Sec 1 Camp. Bleah.

I don't really remember what has happened so far throughout August. There were a few times when I kept staying at Jasveen's house til late, talking about girl stuff and 'helping' her watch 'Vampire Knight' and currently 'One Litre Of Tears'. She finally cried after watching the 3rd and 4th episodes. Im happy for her, and now she says she has a heart. She's so cute can, she cannot get angry nor cry. It takes a whole lot of effort anyway. Those in my Literature group would know. *grins* Hmmm. Had our CAs on the 4th and 5th of August. First day of the exams were horrible. English was survivable -is there such a word?!-, Chemistry was a killer, stupid me forgot to bring my calculator so I couldn't calculate the retention factor, ehhh History's SBQ was fine, whereas Mr Law lied to us about the SEQ. What he told us to learn didn't come out. The other classes knew though, so we studied what they did last minute. Biology was murder too. Ms Goh says my standard is dropping fast. Oh well. Talk about going out to study and end up chatting instead. Hmmm. Chinese was fine, Math and A Math were bearable. Got a few of my results back. Not sure about Bio though, didn't go to school today. Tummy ache. Ehhh.

English: 25/40.
Chinese: 36half/50. 37half supposedly, but she marked wrongly. MY A1! Ugh.
Math: 33/40
Chemistry: 13/25. I always just pass. *cries*

I think thats about it so far, yup. Getting back our A Math paper tomorrow. *freaks out* Hahah, I think its cool blogging about your results and then looking back to compare when you were dumber. Im such a pessimist, huh. Snapping back to real reality...

Got a new phone. My 6300 conked out for good, after water corrosion plus a cracked LCD panel. Now its 6500 slide, not really what I wanted, but its working fine, so heck. I hate the Rat for being so inefficient. Sudden outburst but UGH. Hate hate hate her. Hmmmm. Bought a babydoll top at Far East on Monday, remember fighting with my mummy then taking bus 16 home myself. Ended up spending 3 hours studying at the Siglap Mcdonald's just so I won't see her. Bought a book. Uhh. Bought a beret or messenger cap-like cap from ESPRIT, yay! Haha. Not like I ever wear it but, well. Its Singapore, explains why I don't buy many clothes I would like to wear, nor any cosplay items. Which by the way Haru opened a Haru Goth two shops beside it I think, at Far East Plaza and I saw a whole group of cosplayers outside the other day. Really cool, but I think a lot of people find it a strange hobby. Whyyy................and my sister bought a cosplay gothic corset -what the heck- from Bugis Street. I wonder where she's gonna wear it to anyway.

EHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, I don't know what else to blog about. I have a bad memory. Oh yeah! National Day. Crappy much, we helped Nadia and Benedict.L, our two emcees by singing on stage with them. Really funny though. Hahas. Half of our half school day was spent slacking around and the other half making cup corn to sell at a dollar plus helping Miss Kaur count money in the auditorium when the students came to watch 'movies'. Ehhh. Medium-length story cut short, I went to Tampines IKEA with Nadia, Ben and Rara. Had lunch there, went window shopping for our Farewell Fest items and then left for home. Skipped tuition 'cause Lynn didnt wanna go and I didnt do my homework. Didnt go for our class gathering either 'cause I couldn't make it on time, yup. 14 people went only la, its pretty sad, really. Hmmm. Gave English tuition to Jerry on Saturday, then I went out with John for some catching up. Im so getting back at you for messing up my hair! Hmpft. Hmmm. There's so many things I want to buy, darn it. My school bag broke by the way, and I haven't got a new one. Been out shopping for it...but its pretty difficult. Long story.

Ooooh. I just realised that Miura Haruma gets a girl pregnant and then dies in the end in about every drama or movie he acts in. Scary. Like 'Sky of Love' and '14sai no Haha'. I think a lot of people realised this too. Anyway, he's hot, he's eighteen, and he's a good actor. So yeah. Whatever. I haven't watched Gokusen 3 yet, but I think he did a find job in it. :)

Watched Neo Angelique Abyss yesterday night, and I knew at once that Tegomass sang the ending theme song for the anime. Masuda Takahisa-kun's voice is pretty obvious and easy to catch anyway. I need to catch up on my cooking skills. Random I know, but yeah. I WANT TEGOMASS'S NEW SINGLE PLUS SECONDHAND SERENADE'S CD ALBUM. Plus so many other things. Half of me can't wait to move house so I can buy the things I want for decoration, another half of me doesn't want to move so far. I don't wanna stay in a HDB flat. PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. Its scary, period. Jasveen's place has given me loads of insight on this matter. Anywayyy Rara, I don't think we need to carry out the bread plan. He's actually pretty strong. He's forever scrawny anyway, and im dealing with it. :)

OH yeah. Look at this. Its pretty old, but its Hey! Say! Jump's new single, Your Seed. Its the OST for the Japanese version of Kung Fu Panda. There's a cool Chinese feel to it dontcha' think? Nakajima Yuto-kun said that he felt like eating Chinese food everyday while filming this PV. How cute. Yuuri Chinen-kun's hair looks adorable on him. They did both singing and dancing throughout the whole PV, so its really tiring for them but its really good. So watch it! Its a whole new side to the group, 'cause they do look pretty bad boyish here. Hot, whatever! *giggles* Their dance moves look a little like pole-dancing though, hahas. But they're so cute, period. Hope its clear enough!

I couldn't smile.

2008-07-27T17:55:00.007+08:00

Okay. Hi. I know, lame opening but here I am again, blogging after a long month. Or more than that. ANYWAY, its been so long so I don't really remember what's happened. So yeah, I intend to use my organiser to help me, though I know I usually update it only after the events are over. Heh.

Okay. ANYWAY, I shall start. And darn it 'cause im so tired. Hmmm. Ehhh, lets see. So starting from when I last blogged, the next big event was Monday, 16th of June. Had our CA duty at the Zoo, and we were at a different station : Fragile Forests. Which was crappy, 'cause ummm as usual I hardly talked about the animals. Hahas. Scot came with us this time, 'cause FF needed more people. So yeah. But he's good. He tried so hard to talk to the visitors, I felt really guilty. Anyway, I hate the blue-crowned pigeon. It's annoying. It doesn't come down to the 'stage' or well, the platform, when the visitors come. Then when there are no visitors, it just suddenly swoops down on us. EVIL. Plus, the wind from its wings are really strong. Pretty scary time we had there at FF, but I got to say that the sloth is ADORABLE much can! Ohoh, we found out that the flying foxes, or fruit bats, eat 11 times a day, and they love to pee even upside down whenever the visitors come. Horrible. Hmmm. Not much to say about FF that I can remember, 'cept that Siti stayed at the frog area 'cause she was afraid of the butterflies, and that we met Rara, Darren and a few others who were there doing their 'Zoolympics' for Project work. Hmmm. OH YEAH. The next day I met the zoo gang -lol- at the pizza place at Raffles Place. Gosh, so many places. Heh. Okay uhh. Yeah, we had dinner and then we left for the NIGHT SAFARI. We helped out as volunteers from being CAs of the Zoo, and the whole duty was way cool really. We were to walk around and take down notes, like whether or not they were sleeping, foraging etc. We had to do it in secret too, so that the zookeepers wouldn't know and deliberately excite the animals for the visitors and stuff. Get what im saying? Maybe not. Anywayyyyy. Our group was split into two, so Ben and Nadia one, and Emily, Schuyler and me another. Superrrr fun. Though I know I kept jumping when my legs brushed a spiderweb. Yup.

For the next few days, it hadnt been much I think. Had exco meeting on the 20th. Then it was Night Safari again the next day! Met Ben at Orchard first though, for early dinner. Brought him around the place, and the worst thing is that he remembers my accent when I told him about the food they had at Far East. Stupid. ANYWAY, Nadia was late 'cause she had religious classes, but we waited for her, and ended up eating at Pepper Lunch as usual. There was the Japanese Hokkaido fair and I went to get takoyaki. =D Emily was late, Schuyler too, so we met them at AMK Hub instead. Missed the first bus but the next came quite fast, which was good. Then we met Ai Ping and went into the Night Safari early for this special behind-the-scenes thing first though. We saw how they tried drawing blood from a rhinoceros's ear. And the zookeepers fed it watermelon while doing so. Its cute, really, but really afraid of us. Duh. Hmmm then we hanged around, escaping from the scary Charles pervo guy, and had Ben&Jerry's in Night Safari, waiting to start our CA duty there. Okay, im ripping off Emily's blog again. Dont kill me girl. =D

[And did I mention? He's like 40+ years old? Eew!
AND WTH. After the whole thing ended, he started talking to us about where to eat and we were like "Err."
So out of desperation I just came up with "Or you wanna cab to AMK then we eat there?"
Oh gosh. And they all caught on. :] So we managed to brush him off. Whoo.

So after that, we went to eat at Ben & Jerry's (go figure. But it was the cheapest place and we were desperate).
We went to watch the Creatures of the Night show after eating. It wasn't spectacular, but it wasn't that bad either. I especially liked the part the hyena came out and there was the music, and the lighting, and the effect was so so so so cool.
AND THE OTTERS WERE SO FREAKING CUTE LOR. They showed us how to recycle. :D
After the show, we went to do our round. We finished it, and we took the tram, while Nadia and Ben continued on their second round.
So err. Yeah. It was quite alright. We got our photo taken and I now owe Schuyler $15 cos she helped us pay for it. Thanks, Sky. :]
I look pretty crappy in the photo, but it's okay. Like I told Char and Schuyler, nostalgic moments. :]

So then after that, we went to the ULU ULU SAFARI place to eat. That's what it's called. :D
And we had a problem with the prawns. Hahaha. Gosh, that was funny. And that's where we saw Mr. Hot (see previous post) who wished us luck with the prawns. :]
And that was when they were leaving so I looked up (cos he was getting up) and I said "Thank you," with a nice smile on my face, and noticed that he was actually very very very very good looking, and I went like :O
According to Schuyler, I just looked like I was in a daze for a while before attacking the prawns. Haha.
Then we joined Ben and Nadia on the tram, and we took another ride. It wasn't as pleasant as the first one cos the presenter wasn't as good as the previous one, and the people behind were very very irritating.

Presenter: To your right, we have the Malayan Tiger...
Person: Tiger! Tiger! Look! Tiger!
Emily: Person! Look! Person! Walking on bridge!
Schuyler: Can they just shut up?

Anyway. After that, it was about 11.50 something? So we got a ride from Ben's father back home. ]

Yeah, you got the gist of it la huh. Oh yeah, during the Creatures of the Night Show, Schuyler screamed when they asked if there were any Koreans at the scene and mind you, she screamed like somebody was raping her. Freakyy. And well yeah, the otters were CUTE like mad cute. Anddd, the prawns guy was REALLY HOT. Talk about caucasians. Plus, the people in the tram with us were horrible. And ummm. Yeah. We went back in Ben's car, and I said something in an accent again and they all started making fun of me. Try this in a British accent, or something like it: "I think it was two or three tracks before." ANYWAY, it was then home bitter home. And gosh was I tired. School reopened on the following Monday, 23rd June. Horrible day really. Our time-table is super screwed up. And apparently, 3J suffers it the worst. 4 periods of Biology on Monday, 4periods straight of Chemistry on Wednesday, and 3 periods straight of A Math for two consecutive days. I asked Mrs Wong for a break once during A Math, and she went like, "KitKat." How cute, huh. Ben's wonderwoman knows how to crack jokes though. Mrs Ho tried finding jokes and riddles for us during Chem lessons too so we wouldn't get too bored. Thing is, we all know the answers. We now have Mrs Lim taking us for Chemistry SPA, which is pretty horrible though its definitely better than her taking us for theory. Ms Goh has been nice to us though, she hated the fact that we had 4 periods of her in a day too. She made SPA pretty light on the first day for us, which was good. Just looking at blood cells and stuff. The worst thing about school that day, was that lessons started with an hour of SS. Mrs Leong isn't entertaining, but she got a lot better, or louder this term. OHOH. Mrs Wong said something really funny. This: "Mathematicians are very smart, you cannot beat them. Then all the scientists find new things then get your money. But the mathematicians don't get any money. Its their hobby. There are some very weird people in this world lah." I dont remember word for word, but its the last sentence that really made the whole class laugh. Talk about cute.

So school has been pretty much the same. Dreadful, boring and lessons tend to eat our lives out bit by bit. I dont see how they expect us to last til our O's are finished. Tests were pretty ugh. I know I flunked one by getting 4/20. The only thing that made me happier that week was getting 24/25 for our Math Holiday Assignment test. 'Cept the one mark deducted was so stupid. Should've wrote the unit, darn it. I AM JUST RANTING.

Anywayy. I skipped the first half of school on the second day for an appointment at SGH. Im not telling why, though as usual they thought I went for my second abortion lol. They couldn't figure out whose the father though. And no, I never got pregnant if you really needed assurance of some sort. Hahas. Hmmm. Thats pretty much about it for June I suppose.

Met Lynn and Mel on the 1st of July for a little 'outing'. Mel just got back from Indo, and I wanted to meet them and stuffs. So yeah. Left like 30minutes after we met to Jasveen's house though. Supposingly to help her watch Vampire Knight. Though we really didn't cover much. Hahas. Been 38-ing with her, Ben and Sean a lot now. Okay uhh. Oh yeah. Left school early on the 3rd for the PESA thingy with Mr Rashidi, Nadia and fishball -Aloyscious-. PESA stands for Plain English Speaking Award. We met a few freaky speakers who spoke way different from how they looked, and we saw a Drama Audrey lookalike. Not like you care. Anyway, nothing much la really. Had WCAP/Welcome cum Appreciation Party for the Student Council on the 11th. Did a lot for it, especially the games. In the end we couldn't carry it out due to time constrain though. I've got to say I was pretty pissed, but we couldn't do anything anyway. The theme was Hawaiian, which was really annoying 'cause I didnt know what to wear. Oh yeah, I dropped my bracelet which til now I haven't claimed it from Mr Kwok. Hahas. Left school around 10pm that night, then went to Mcdonald's with Jasveen and the boys. Forced Damien to go. Clarence kinda owed me so he treated me to Ice Lemon Tea and hot fudge. :) Wanted to take Bus 10 home, but after sitting at the interchange for half an hour did I realise I missed the last bus. Caught a 31 home though. Andre checked to make sure I was home safely, then we smsed for the next 2 hours. Which is pretty interesting, 'cause I thought he would be sleeping. Did my tuition homework while smsing him anyway, 'cause I finally decided to attend tuition on the following Saturday. Hahas.

There was SYF on Monday, then our Oral exams on Tuesday and Wednesday. I took it early 'cause I had investiture the next day though, so I was pretty pissed I couldn't wait longer. Mdm Wong took me for it, so it was pretty scary. And from what Audrey said, I took the longest time during our Oral. She did ask me a lot of questions, and I know I didnt do well for picture. Screw. Who would know toys could lead to the society and whatnots. Okay you dont get me. Hahas, sorry. Hmmm. Oh yeah. Had Prefect Investiture at Yuying Secondary on Wednesday, so I had to wear my ugly cod shoes and blazer. My toes hurt like mad okay. Anyway, Andre and I left school a bit late thanks to Mr Shane Kwok, so we took a cab there instead. Turned out we reached there half an hour early. So they brought us around the school, which is huge and confusing mind you. I miss the place laaaaaaaa. They have very friendly people and their commendation service was way informal but really modernised. Plus, I saw a good-looking boy. No, not Andre, hahas. Okay anyway, thats beside the point. It was a good experience overall, and I was really glad I went la. Yup.

The next big thing would be the Sec 1 Camp which is just over, and I think i'll talk about that next time ya? This post is too long. So yup. Im ranting, and im off.

Don't care for me now.

2008-06-14T21:47:00.008+08:00

Fuck. This. I hate foodcourts.

And darn it, 'cause I really want cream puffs right now. What makes me happier are fat-filled unhealthy food. I can't help having a weakness for pastries anyway, so too bad. I'll just get fat and moan about it. Get used to it.

Im sorry I haven't blogged in a while. My blog seems to be rotting away silently -my tagboard hardly moves!- and im pretty satisfied with the fact that I hardly have the mood to blog so I have time to do other stuff like catching up on my anime&dorama-watching. Which then reminds me of my pile of holiday homework I simply do not wish to complete. At all, mind you I just dislike the teachers like 'UGH!' for all the work they just keep throwing to us. ENGLISH, of all subjects include so much work, I'd probably finish off Math first, of which I think I will. Anyway, off with the ranting.

Over the past few weeks, I have been going out practically almost everyday. Usually for school stuff(?) and what else? SLACK. *grins* So anyway, starting from the 3rd of June. When I last blogged, I think? Anyway, had our Literature Seminar that day and the 4th, pretty cool&boring talk sessions with superb notes to go with. Went to Sean's place after lunch on the 3rd, where firstly, "I was forced to go to the foodcourt for lunch" and secondly, we went to play D.O.A at his house. Jasveen is one ruthless killer. She's vengeful and definitely scary. Asirah says she is a beginner but she's a little scary when she comes up with strange moves. Well yeah, just the three of us went. Had fun at his splash sand pool afterwards, where we got chased away by this guard -can I call her a bitch?- and went off to his fountain and got ourselves really wet. Us girls retreated to the Suana though, and gosh it got so foggy in seconds, Jasveen and I ran out in fear. Hahas.

Anyway, on the 5th was our so-called M.Jsquare.A.C meeting to WildWildWet. Ended up cancelled anyway, due to last minute reasons. Oh well. It always happens, so I do hope we can go out again sometime soon. Like before the holidays end..which isn't very likely anyway, so. Yeah. Had Drama on the 6th. I wonder why Ms Abidah seems to be hardly doing anything. Personal review. -neht niaga ohw tnseod eerga?- On the 7th, went out with Benedict and Keith to watch Narnia at uh, Junction 8. Had lunch at Cartel's. FREAKING EXPENSIVE, I simply DO NOT understand why Sean wants to have lunch there all the time. Hah. Im lazy to type further on what happened, so im just gonna rip off Keith's blog. My apologies. AND yes, I did point my middle finger, but they didn't see it 'cause I did so while playing with my hair. POOR ME, okay.

[EDIT]...[/EDIT]
then went to buy snacks at minitoons
i bought
gummy teeth.
gummy nipples.
gummy berries.
1 strip of green candy for ben.
2 red sour straps for ben
3 berries for char.
char bought
assorted marshmallows.
and we watched the movie
nice can. and i thought ben barnes looked charming
char thought he looked like crap
and when the fighting rat came on screen ben was like
[EDIT]for safety purposes?[/EDIT]
i have never cried so much at a movie since 'bridge to terabithia'
char kept saying that im a very anticlimax person.
and i do not deny that fact
then we took the mrt to destination nowhere.
we went all the way to dhoby ghaut and decided yo go to sakura at TPY.
it was a buffet
nice cheap but rather noisy
we started taking videos of us crapping about
this girl behind char started staring at her.
lets call her The Girl In Stripes or bitch for short.
char was gorgeously dressed up and the bitch just kept staring and laughing
so me and ben were hatching evile plots and i went loudly
K: BEN YOU KNOW AH?
K: LATER I'LL GO TO THE GUY AND SAY THOSE YOUR WHORES?
K: THAT YOUR SLUT?
and ben and char started laughing
and ben that decided when we came back from taking food, we would stare at them.
super funny. and the looks on their faces were like DAMN YOU GLAMOROUS PEOPLE!
maybe not. but it was quite close.
and when we stood up and were about to leave,
they stood up too i was like WHAT.THE.HE-ELLE.
and then i shouted
THOSE YOUR WHORES?
THAT YOUR SLUT?
and ben went to spill one of their drinks
and char showed them her middle finger.
then when we were back together, i was like SE-LUUUUT!
soooo fun
and when we were in the train back home we decided to be the pointer sisters
you know the ones who sang the JUMP song
and in the end char dropped out of the band to be our manager and we replaced her with farina
I AM KIF POINTER
BEN IS BEN POINTER
FARINA IS FARINA POINTER
how cute
and we decide that nadia will star as BROWNIE in the next perky and pudgy.
taas

PS*
those your whores?
that your slut?
was taken from UglyBetty.

EHHHHH yep! Thats it from Keith's blog. And gosh Sakura is a place with good food I guess. I ate loads of raw salmon. Heh. But the place smelt kinda, well yeah. The smell you get with raw food. ANYWAY, on the 8th I don't remember where I went to, or if I even went out. On the 9th, went out with Emily and Benedict for a so-called study date where we completed only 3 Math questions. Actually I only completed 1, 'cause I did the first two the last time I studied with Jasveen. Yeah well, study dates aint really STUDY dates afterall. ANYWAY, we studied and had lunch at the airport, Popeye's, and left for JELLYBEANS at The Rainbow Caravan, which sucked pretty much -my tastebuds told me they tasted funny- and then we left for Far East Plaza. Emily got her rolling stones tee, and they both tasted their very first Fried Mars Bar. Hahas. Dang, I wanna go shopping! Heh. Anyway, the next few days were spent having Drama in school and Mcd's for breakfast. Mcd's for 3 days, but I still weigh the same! :) Breakfast, huh. Then again, im over 50kg. So I can continue whining about it.

Friday The 13th. So much for it. Fought with my mummy, cannot believe I shouted at her in the foodcourt. Then again, she doesn't listen to half the things I say and yet she expects me to listen to what she is saying. Screw, nothing really is fair in this world, huh? Argh. ANYWAY, spent last night and today catching up on my anime&dorama-watching. I love Absolute Boyfriend, every episode is a BANG!. And, I might be childish but I don't think I'll ever get enough of Shugo Chara. Its so 'LOL', cute, and I seriously think Tadase looks like Eliot from DOA4. Anyway, its Father's Day tomorrow. Which means I have to meet my father and have lunch with him..and listen to all his rants and badmouthings of my sister. -sigh- I hope I don't see his parents. I won't know what to say, and besides I DO NOT SPEAK CHINESE well. So might as well. By the way, I don't hate myself for saying this, but I really cannot stand people who don't speak or write English well. If its not their first language then its fine, but us Singaporeans? HELLOOOOOOOOOOO. You guys are horrible. Im not saying that my English is oh-so-fine but really, I hate it when people mispell words on purpose and type in wrong tenses that are way too obvious. I dont know, im like this. Sorry. Oh gosh, shut up Charmaine. Shut. Up.

Anyway, just thought I'd blog about last last week too. Hmmm. Oh yeah. Went out with Jasveen for a few times I think? Or maybe not, I can't remember. Did go out with her&Sean to Marina Square for lunch at Sakae though, my treat from 2 years ago? Heh. Project '97. Memories brought back, yes, but somehow they remind me of bad times. We did look pretty geeky, plus our many NGs at the tunnel and the playground. Oh, anyway! $52.68. Our bill. Hahas, they hate me for repeating this but gosh it was way past my budget. Which was 50, though I was hoping to spend around 40 only. RED PLATES, screw the red plates. Went out window shopping with them for a while, and then Home Bitter Home. On the 2nd, went out with Jas to study at Simei Starbucks. Didn't do much really, plus the fact that she was an hour late. Some guy asked me to take care of his table while Jas was in the washroom and I thought to myself, "WHY IN THE WORLD, ME? Ask the girls beside your table lah" To think I stupidly said yes, anyway. Jas had to go after 2 hours, was it? For supposingly dinner with the crabs, hahas. So I 38-ed home, though before I got on the bus, some NS guy gave me his number. Prank, duh. 'Cause Benedict told me to sms after I consulted him, and I never got a reply. Which make things all the better, phew. :)

IM BORED. Why is understanding how the Japanese industry works SO HARD. Rahhhh. EPs, OVAs and all that. Why the heck do I make myself memorise the definitions so it makes things easier when explaining to someone like Jasveen. Who by the way if you EVER read this, Vampire Knight is at episode 10 now. :)

Sweet Sixteen, huh. I wonder how college feels like. I've been playing with the lighter -No, I DONT SMOKE- for hours now and this is so random, gosh.

P.S WHO HAS THE PIANO SCORE FOR OKAERI BY AYAKA? Dont tell me to google for it. If it was that easy, I wouldn't have asked. :)

Why don't I have a nice slim body? Why don't I have a nice face? Why ain't I tall? Why don't I have talents like Yuri Chinen or Nakajima Yuto? No wait, WHY WAS I BORN IN SINGAPORE!? Basically 'cause it seems like im born to be me, huh. Oh well, maybe just the model part should do fine if it ever comes true. I can dance, do flips and break my back. Its simply, fine.

P.S. Read it backwards, if you can't figure it out yet.

OH, SHUT UP CHARMAINE. I need to stop being so random and ranting away like..there's no tomorrow? Okay, shut up. Bye. :)

2008-06-03T00:02:00.003+08:00

"We're all lead actors, starring in our very own movies."

I miss. Many things, really. You know how a memory seems to suddenly go on a playback button mode? -Yes, playback. Not rewind- It happens to me too many times, I can't seem to comprehend it. Some hurts where you least know it, and some soothes the slowly thumping heart locked away in your mess of arteries and such. Forgive this Bio student. Anyway, 've been feeding on inspiration lately, and gosh im just so messed up I don't know where to start. Writing songs has always been one thing, dancing another, but writing itself can just get so heartwrenching, you feel like giving it up. And just when you least expect it, your 'essay' turns out totally fine. Brilliant, even.

I hate life when our utmost goal in life is to seach for a dream-never-come-true. I mean, I don't mind. Just for the part that its really cool and amazing and it kinda lifts your spirits. Like, yay! You're smiling. And then when you think back, you realise how pathetic a creature you have made yourself to be. Human, yes, but seriously? Its like life lesser than a dog's. They have bones while we have a pile of rotten bones we continuously try to get rid of. Its pretty sad when the dream is so farrrrrrr away, but then you satisfy the fact that no one's ever gonna know your child-like dream. Its fun! And gosh what am I saying? Contradicting myself again. Shoot me.

They say dreams are the windows of the soul--take a peek and you can see the inner workings, the nuts and bolts. -Henry Bromel

2008-05-29T20:44:00.005+08:00

I've got a statement to make.

I've got a life, probably just like everyone else. So I make mistakes, who doesn't? So I have too many weaknesses for my own good, but hey, im human. I simply do not see why I have to mold myself to be someone who is perfect. There's nothing that's perfect or free in this world, is there? I don't see why I need to change myself for someone else. Change myself for the better, why not? Changing totally for someone else? That's a completely different matter. So I have secrets, and scars. Who hasn't felt a tinge bit of sadness or pain? Everyone has their own rights in which how they want to run their lives. To ruin it, or make it a success, that's their decision. I don't see why anyone should interfere.

I know im not popular at school, I don't want to be. I know it's not like im liked by everyone around me, so what? I want to be myself. For who I am is me, myself and I. I don't intend on being someone who I am not, just to suit everyone else. Like it or not, im me. No one else can change that. I don't care if there are people who dislike me. People who think im obnoxious, ugly, loud or attention-seeking. Besides, whenever I tried to change in the past, I still got complaints for being too soft, or too loud. Sometimes I ask, "So what exactly, do you want of me?" Answer? There isn't one.

So I have a huge weakness for cute Japanese boys, kids and chocolate. So im indecisive, and can't make up my mind when asked on where to eat or shop. So you think im unfaithful, admiring more than one celebrity. So you think im annoying by buying many Japanese magazines and going "Kya, Kya!" over the stars. So I watch Japanese dramas, movies and listen to Japanese music, yet not knowing the stars well and claiming to like them so much. So im not a great fan as whoever is out there. So I probably know less than one tenth of their 'Star' Guidebook. So im not a huge fan girl after all. So I claim to like watching anime and reading manga but yet hardly completed any series.

So I have minor undiagnosed Obsessive-compulsive Disorder. So I have breathing problems, lots of scars on my body, stretch marks everywhere, moles at strange places. So my eyelashes don't reach the length of more than a centimetre. So my nose looks really funny and my hair's too wavy. So my clothes seem out of place and my school shoes have holes at the sides. So I ignore people on MSN most of the time. So I don't like approaching someone else first. So I say im a Christian and yet don't read the Bible. So I say im a good runner who doesn't get first place all the time. So I say I like dancing but yet don't do so on a daily basis. So I say I like reading but have not seriously done so in the last 3 years. So I say I like designing but yet suck at it, and hardly ever do so. So I say they are my hobbies but yet, I hardly do them. So I tell people that running and writing is my passion but yet I can never be sure. So I say I love music but I probably don't know half the songs played on the radio. You call that not accounting for my words. Not taking responsibility, yada yada yada. What else?

So I daydream a lot. So I spend ages in the bathroom imagining another life I could be leading in just a few days. So I think about fulfilling my dream of being a part-time model, and being picked to star in YUI's new PV with Nakajima Yuto. So what if I dream impossible dreams? So what if I fantasise about useless things that'll probably get me nowhere? So what if I always hope to be able to talk to a boy whom I like? So what if I dream about being someone else? Someone I hope I can be? What's wrong with daydreaming, fantasising, imagining things I already know won't happen?

So what, honestly? I'm human. Its not as if I have all the time in the world or a automatic organiser which tells me what to do or say. 3 years I have been scarred. 3 years I have been continuously asking myself what my life is all about. 3 years I have been searching for a song, a purpose in life. I have never believed in friends. At least of those who come to you in need, and go off again when they're well. I never knew how to trust someone. I was never sure. Well yeah, even now probably. They say kind words, compassionate words that come with a smile. Yet, unseen are words of disgust and slaughter. I can't tell what's ficticious no more. You think the sky is falling, your life is falling apart, but then you wake up and people treat you as if nothing happened.

Truth VS Lies, huh. Maybe im really a simpleton. Maybe im not as smart as the people I hang out with. I know I haven't found myself yet. I don't know who I really am, or what im going to be. But right now, this is me. There won't be a Charmaine you'll create, but just this average high schooler who writes her heart out, whines and go "Kya, Kya!" over almost anything Japanese. Hate me, love me, become my friend or not, this is me.

At the end of the day, everyone is, still a child.

With thanks,
Ch'ng Wei Lin Charmaine.

2008-05-25T18:48:00.003+08:00

Yosh. Im here to blog about what has happened throughout this week as promised, but honestly, there isnt much I remember. So..

Monday19thMay08
Uhh. There was uhhh. DONT REMEMBER...and uh, OH. There was no school, I think. Had Cheer practice yup, at the stadium as usual. Left around 4pm with Benedict, Joyce and Vanessa to Bugis to get our costumes for Tuesday's ArtsTreat Performance. We were out for the whole night til about 9plus, and were frantically running about in Bugis Street and Parco Bugis trying to look for cheap, and character-matching clothes. I got mine at Bugis Street, tried it on at Parco, found out that it was too short, and had to run back to Bugis Street to get something else later on. Mind you, coming out of the toilet in the uber short dress to show the others was HORRIBLE. Traumatising experience yes, since the boys/men hanging outside kept staring at me. Tsk. ANYWAY, yeah. It was a crazy night, all right.

Tuesday20thMay08
ARTS TREAT DAY. Im just gonna rip off the Drama blog and Ben's blog, SORRY. SO here goes.

From Ben's blog
art's treat day was a blast.
we had like a whole day which seemed pretty short to me.
i loooveeed my costume.
makes me...seaweed-ish.
ok i don't know what i'm saying but yea.
well, nana was tracy.
aloy was link, who looked like a porter.
char was penny.
keith was supposingly to be edna.
but hey, what the hell.
[EDIT][/EDIT]
fyi, char looks very very nice.
and so did i.
and everyone else for that matter.

From THE DC's blog
As all of you know, we had out Artstreat! Lunchtime Concert 2008 on Tuesday.
It was such a blast!

After our Morning devotion, we all went to the PAS [which we couldn't use later on, :( ] for a short rehearsal. We weren't very happy about the performance. Anyways, at 10.30, we went to practice more till the actual thing at 11.45.

We used a vacant classroom ( -.- ) and did our awesome make-up and everyone looked so gorgeous. I had to leave a little earlier though, to go prepare the last minute emcee scripts and arrangements and blablabla.

Anyways, it was so awesome. Everyone's eyes were on you guys when ya'll performed!! It went really great and everyone looked nice in their costumes. And Char really did resemble Penny...haha! :D Which is a good thing, Char. Only thing is that we didn't have that lollipop...

After all those rehearsals and little time, it paid off with a great performance. (Ok that wasn't phrased correctly.) After the whole thing, we went back to the PAS. Whooohoo! We took so many photos which I'm editing right now.

YEAH. Thats it, for Arts Treat. After that we had Cheer practice outside the studio. Yet again, really.

------I'll be uploading some pictures sometime soon------

Wednesday21stMay08
SPORTS DAY. Dreadful day, but probably an eventful one too. Went to the Stadium earlier so that we could practice our cheer and for Siti and the others to 'tattoo' us. Failed attempt anyway, since most of us came late and stuff. The 100m race started pretty early, Emily and I were really nervous I guess. Heh. She was stil feeling sick, while I was feeling sick in the stomach. Made it through though, 2nd place after Trishal Kaur from 3D. I don't know if I can believe that I beat Tesselyn for the race though..I hope she's not still pissed with me. Anyway, Trishal is SCARY. Putting that aside, just to beat Tesselyn I pulled a muscle when reaching the finishing line for 100m. Had that throughout the day along with the other events, and seriously, it HURT like mad. Stretched a lot but somehow it didnt really help. 400m was a difficult race, Eliza caught up with me after 300m, so it was really a race to the finish. Made it through first though, along with 'fainting' on the track again. I always do, huh. The crappy part was that this year's 400m was really tiring. I was so afraid I didnt make it through, what words I could muster was just "Did I win?", hahahs. Anyway, Cheer was pretty crappy though I still think that 3J did an amazing job. I did a failed cartwheel, but oh well. Doesnt make much a difference now, does it? Besides, we've come this far as 3J. I think thats good enough, after all we 'just got to know' each other. :) Oh, Lee Qing got 3rd for 200m. Yay! :)) Relay was AMAZING okay! We totally owned the track. 3J was leading all the way, I was so darn happy even before Emily -fourth leg- reached the finishing line. Relay for the boys was really depressing, and dreadful..but well. It happened, so lets just leave it at that. 3J came in second for overall, while 3D beat us to the Championship. Not that I really care sometimes, looking at the attitude of some of our classmates, but well. The year isnt over, and there's still 2009! GAMBATTE 3J! We can reach for our goals as long as we are willing to do so, and as long as we have the passion for it! JIAYOU! The bond. Please dont break what we have now.

Anyway, after the prize-giving, Ben suffered from dehydration, heat exhaustion, lack of rest and what else? He started cramping up, and a few of us -quite a lot, actually- stayed back to help him recover. Called his dad in the end to bring him to the doctor's, and the whole scene was pretty scary. Benedict was scary. Ohoh, he wrote messages on his blog, and here's mine!

BONGO MONGO CHAR HONGO
sitting beside you is fun.
though i may suffer from severe eraser injuries.
despite your busy days and times,
you'll always set aside time for your friends.
and i'm glad to be one of them.
you were always a constant support for me.
always cheering me.
always encouraging me.
always reminding me.
thanks my dearest chawamushi unagi tamago ebi san!
HAHA.

And I quote, "dearest chawamushi unagi tamago ebi san!". WHAT THE HECK!?! That actually means "dearest 'steam egg in a cup' eel egg prawn san". Anyway, im deeply sorry for the eraser throwing, but sometimes you really deserve it okay. Hahas. I love you, Ben! :)

So anyway, after Ben left, Joel and I walked back to school together for Council Commendation rehearsal. Wearing ugly cod shoes that are super loose aint fun. Anyway, yeah.

Thursday22ndMayo8
COUNCIL COMMENDATION. Okay before that, I was busybusybusy around school due to the post exam activities, after which I had a nice time playing with the loudspeaker and watching the sec3s play handball&captain's ball. :) Then slacked for a while with Joyce, Ben and Xin Ning at the platform area in the Courtyard. After which we went to change into our stockings and blazer whatnots which was pretty much a disaster for me. The toilet was 'steaming' hot, and I took ages to put on my stockings. Anyway, the Commendation was a success except that it was awfully boring during the G.O.H's speech. Mummy&Uncle Darren came, and uhh. Council took a LOT of pictures, gosh. Ummm, blah blah..then I went home with mummy&Uncle Darren, bathed and SLEPT TIL 5.32AM THE NEXT MORNING. I know. Pig, but I was so darn tired okay.

Friday23rdMayo8
LAST DAY OF SCHOOL. Busybusy thanks to the forum thingy I was in-charge of, along with Tabitha. Couldnt get much rest and I was breathless half the time. Received our results right about when school ended, and I totally cried once I saw my results. Dont ask..but I just know that there probably wont be a chance for me to go back to Church anytime soon. Sorry guys..and Damien. Sorry! And dang he saw me crying&sniffing like mad.

Thanks Tabitha, Xin Ning, Daryl and Andre who offered tissue, for comforting me in the Council room. :) Anyway, putting the shitty results aside, we had the MTP session from 10.30 onwards and I was in-charge of 3G. Mr Lim was super annoying, cause he kept leaving the classroom and causing me to have to run around looking for him when a parent came. Ohoh! Sharon really looks like her parents! Especially her mother. Not that thats important but anyway, yeah. Pretty boring afternoon really. We all couldnt wait for lunch. I was just sitting outside 3G talking to Joyce, Xue Jun and Diana, with Daryl and Clarence coming down from 3H to disturb me from time to time. After everything, we went to Mcdonald's and ate, talked, crapped, joke, and talked about lots of racist stuff la huh. Yupp.

Went home around 6, wrote a 'letter', left it in my report book and at my mum's door, went to bathe and slept til THE NEXT DAY AT 5.34AM. Cool, huh? Hahas.

Saturday24thMayo8
Really slacky day. -its not a word, I know- Uhh, I woke up at 534 yeah? Then I went back to sleep a while after, and was woken up a few times thanks to Joyce's smses. Spent much of the day in front of the computer watching recent Bleach, Shugo Chara and Vampire Knight episodes and also finishing Brown Sugar Macchiato and watching Gokusen. Which I have just finished watching. Maybe watching Season 2 later. Called Jasveen in the afternoon, confided in her about some things, got a little crazy, and we settled on going to WildWildWet for M.Jsquare.A.C's outing since Joyce initiated it. So yeah, once again its no to Escape. So anyway, Saturday was a totally uneventful&mundane day.

OHOH. Happy Belated Birthday to Joseph Tay and James Koh!

Sunday25thMayo8
HAPPY BIRTHDAY CLARENCE LIM ZI YANG! THANKS FOR BEING AN IRRITATING AND ANNOYING FRIEND WHO HAS BEEN THERE FOR ME AT TIMES, LOL. You're a wonderful person who will make a good boyfriend..so JIAYOU! *winks* Muahahah. Anyway, thanks for everything yeah. For Bus 38 rides and stuff. :)

Today was pretty much the same as yesterday. Ohoh. Went out to buy uh, potato chips, drinks, marshmallows and MILK&MUESLI. So its lots of UNHEALTHY with HEALTHY. Heh. Emily said "Dont eat your feelings! You'll regret it when you step on the weighing machine." Hahas. :)

Going to the zoo tomorrow. First day of CA duty! EXCITED, NERVOUS, and gosh I hope it'll be great! It can be like working, you know? Or..maybe not. Either way, im really beginning to like the zoo now, so yeah. :)

Oh yeah. Here's a song Ben wrote for me when I first had my stupid, terrible, horrible, crappy throat infection.

MESSAGE TO CHARMAINE(aka the 'How-To-Get-Well-Song):
you are sick honey.
and you better rest up!
the MYEs are near.
and you better watch out.
i know that it is annoying
but please bear with it.
once you have recovered,
you will be so fit!
so drink a lot of water
and sleep sleep sleep.
cos after you have done this,
you won't weep weep weep.
so drink and pee.
drink and pee.
drink and pee pee pee.
cos after you are well,
i can tell you a story!

Hahas. Yeah. Okay, I shall go watch Absolute Boyfriend now. Might blog again later, I've got a statement to make.

2008-05-20T20:51:00.009+08:00

Hello! :))

Yes, I know I havent blogged in well, close to 3 weeks le. But I have loads to talk about! Provided I remember what happened la huh. Heh. So...

8thMay08
Went out to study Pure Literature with Sean, Benedict.Wee, Lionel and Glen. I know, I know! The only girl again. And Glen just kinda tagged along though he takes Elective 'cause of Ben. Anyway we went to Simei, -no fair!- to Burger King for lunch, of which Lionel and I didnt eat. We were both sick so we couldn't eat fried stuff. Yup. Anyway I 'studied' a little by reading through my textbook and asking 'lame' questions like, "Why is it that drinking coke makes you fly..?" Well, something like that. Go to the BK outlet in Simei and you'll understand. Umm, other than that we were totally joking about really lame stuff and saying mean things about well, yeah. Anyway, after lunch we waited for Lionel to get his Chicken Rice, then we left for Sean's place by FOOT. Which is FAR, cannn. Tsk. Anyway yes, we ended up NOT STUDYING, but Sean and I watching the other boys play DeadOrAlive on his Xbox. Yup. Left a bit after 4, to his clubhouse where we studied and talked about stupid stuff. Then Lionel left, we studied a bit more, -not really, actually- and umm we walked Benedict&Glen to this fence somewhere in Sean's condominium, and watch them climb over to the other side. Yes, climb, literally. Then I walked out and bus-ed home. Yep.

9thMay08
Last paper : Pure Literature. Wasn't exactly easy, but still fine I guess. Just that all 40 of us were pretty cramped inside the 3E classroom and there was this baby crying outside. I had to rewrite my scripts and ended up not completing the paper. Yeah, was pretty screwed up. After the paper, had breakfast with Emily, Nadia, Siti, Benedict, Ranjeeta, Farina, Aloyscious and Keith at McDonald's. McGriddles. Quite nice eh. Hahas. Uhh, after breakfast we left for the studio for Hairspray rehearsal, Siti&Farina just tagging along, while Emily and I were discussing about cheer. Wasn't in the studio much, 'cause I had to do some stuff for Council. Emily really had fun though, that I can tell. Hahas. We were pretty much doing freestyle during the whole of 'You Can't Stop The Beat'. Yup. It was a pretty crazy day and our muscles were just aching after that but the JOY. :)

10thMay08
ZOO DAY! Hahas. Had ProjectWork at the zoo yupyup. Uhh, we MRT-ed to Ang Mo Kio, then Bus 138-ed to the zoo, of which Emily and I were sleeping and I kinda got this phobia thingy again, then yeah. OHH. Hahas, I designed my plain white tee from Founder's Day 2007 to something like what N330 did during the t-shirt design competition. Yeah, i'll post the picture up SOON. Uhh, so anyway, we kinda signed-in and went to this auditorium where they keep some pretty cool specimens like tiger skeletons and all. There was this briefing, and we did some ice-breakers which didnt really make much sense. Then we were split into groups, of which I was in the one with Benedict, Dylan and Jeremy, who totally kept quiet throughout. Doubt he was listening when the guides took us around the zoo. Got to visit the Animal Hospital, and a python -was it?- getting injected and healed or something. Pretty cool day, really. The zoo can be quite fun, scary and smelly. Yup! The kangaroos are ADORABLE okay! Yepp. Anyway, to cut things short, after the whole thing ended, we walked around the zoo somemore, and left for dinner at PepperLunch in AMK Hub. :)

11thMay08
MOTHER's DAY. Gosh I can't exactly remember what happened! Umm. We went to Orchard, got my Japanese magazines. Then we went to the Xiao Long Bao restaurant for lunch, I treated my mummy to PepperLunch's caramel ice cream and uh, gave her the Me-To-You Bear she wanted. Yep. I DONT REMEMBER LE LAAAA.

12thMay08
IM SORRY. IM JUST GONNA RIP OFF EMILY'S BLOG. SORRY! IM SO LAZY&I dont really remember? So here goes.

At first it was kinda draggy. Didn't really know what to do. But then afterwards, we all started choreographing, and yeah. It was actually fun! Especially from the 4plus to the 6-ish period. Made fools of ourselves in front of the Tampines Rovers people, the people practicing their Track and Field, and yeah.

"Feel the rain on your skin!" HAHAHA.

Charmaine is flexible siolllll. Her legs are, anyway. LOL.

AND OMMBW! WE SAW MRS WONG! She was jogging. ;D So adorable can. She was jogging in slow motion, and I kept going "She's so cute!" while Charmaine was suffering with her wound. :/ Sorry, Charmaine. Hehe.

Right so anyway. After that we helped Nadia with the artstreat thing a bit more.

Ohoh. There was this 'Wah-lao' guy, who uh, Nadia nicknamed after. I shouted it during our Cheer practice, then this male athelete mimicked me, so I mimicked him back. While we were on our way to get cake in Century Square after that, we saw him near the interchange and I deliberately said "Wah-Lao" to him. Hahas its just funny la huh.

13thMay08
Commendation Rehearsal day. Of which I asked to be excused due to ArtsTreatDay rehearsal. Nothing to say, dancing was crazy and fun but I got pissed kinda easily. Apologies!

14thMay08
RESULTS. Horrible. NO COMMENTS. I DONT WANNA TALK ABOUT IT. HMPFT. ANYWAY, had Sports Heats. 100m Heats got first, but its still horrible. The joy was short-lived. Had High Jump too. The boys were amazing, seriously. Especially like uhh, Jordan I think. Super cool. Cornelis is such a professional too! He took over Wei Jie, and he got SECOND okay!! With apparently, no experience and yet whose technique I totally saw on HanaKimi. Anyway, I guess I can say that High Jump for the girls was pretty exciting. We were all nervous like mad, and it was really scary and not forgetting to mention, painful too. Mr Chia said I had the right technique, but too bad 'cause I did it right only for a few times. Anyway he's just really distracting. I got second anyway, Eliza first. Relay and 400m was postphoned to tomorrow. Yep. Uhh. Something really funny happened at the stadium. SORRY SITI! Its a reflex though, okay. Heh. But gosh was I smiling. ANYWAY, Emily, Siti and I left after everything, walked back to school, got my 5th Pocari Sweat in my life, NOT day, and went to the area outside the studio. Did Cheer, and ArtsTreat at the same time. Yup.

15thMay08
Got back the rest of my results. Literature turned out really bad. I JUST passed, cried in the auditorium and felt like crap throughout the whole period. Got a B4 overall though, yup. Got an A2 for Chemistry though, of which I couldnt get an extra mark for an A1, and whereby Mrs Ho asked me if I studied really hard. Yeah, I THINK I did, but well..At least I got an A, huh. Had our Cheer auditions. We got in 2nd place, yay! But we still needed a lot of practice, just like NOW. But the last two thursdays has been really a blast! Yes, counting the 15th. :))))))

16thMay08
PostExamActivities. Had totally BORING talks in the hall. Commendation rehearsal after school. Sadly im stuck sitting beside Abdullah who sings off key on purpose and makes me laugh throughout while the songs are being played. Oh well. Kills the boredom, perhaps. After that anyway, Ben, Joyce and I left for the studio for ArtsTreat rehearsal again. Yeah, apparently we all didnt really get much rest, running all over the place. Anyway, after the rehearsal, I left school with Clarence to go shopping for Xt's present. Yepp, then he accompanied me around the interchange to get some 'important' stuff, like getting sweet beancurd for my mother and a white tee for Saturday. Its our dress code for the Zoo thingy see.

17thMay08
Woke up really late, so I cabbed to the zoo for another day of PW. It was our assessment day, and I didnt get to study the night before so I tried to cramp all the information I could get into my brain. Passed the theory pretty well though, then we left for our assessment at the Australian Outback area where we had to present and 'guide' the rest of the group through the trail and talking about each animal and all. Guess what? WE ALL PASSED! Therefore we are now OFFICIALLY SPH Junior Conservationists. Ambassadors yo! :) Anyway, after it ended, we left to visit Ah Meng's grave and the Baboons, got to feed them and then we left while I rushed to City Hall to meet my family for dinner at OutOfThePan. I was full like mad. Uhh, yeah. Went to HMV, where my mum totally splurged on DVDs which were on sale. Yep. Crazy, really. And uh, yeah.

18thMay08
HORRIBLE DAY. Which turned out quite all right. Woke up superrrr early, left for my Grandma's place, had breakfast downstairs at her hawker centre, went back up, watched a bit of MTV, watched HanaKimi on mummy's portable DVD player, played a bit of my PSP, and SLEPT. Woke up for lunch, watched more of MTV, listened to my PSP, and SLEPT. I slept a lot at her house 'cause I was simply overwhelmed by the ever-so-annoying boredom that I encountered at her house. It was just food, more food, MTV and sleep. Yep. Woke up around 7pm, left the house for PlazaSing, where I had dinner at Ichiban Sushi, my first time, not bad actually, and uh, watched MADE OF HONOUR. I CRIED during the movie okay! Its a really good movie! And today I asked Sean if he would be my Maid Of Honour if we were still best friends when I get married. Hahas.

ANYWAY. Im just gonna leave it at that. IM SO LAZY AND TIRED AND ANNOYED, apparently, that I shall stop blogging and continue another time SOON about this week. :) BYE!

I love ThursdayS.
But somehow I feel normal around thursday.

2008-05-07T18:00:00.005+08:00

Maybe thats why the door's always closed. Or maybe you really need a full definition of LEAVE ME ALONE. Later would be fine, right? The one day I run out of the hall crying or the one day the door just wouldn't stop slamming so hard anymore, i'll make sure you see me die right in front of you.

I've got no mood for anything. Thanks.

And no, its not anyhow fucking easy to steer away from penknifes for more than 6 months. Damn.

Am I asking for too much? Am I just being stupid and childish? I thought life could become different, better even. Its just you, isnt it? Its all about you. Why do I then, have to take your shit? Who's the one being shitty all the time? Who's the one who moans day in day out? Im only 14 years old. What do you want me to do? All I can do is study hard and you know what? I dont feel that im studying for me. Im studying for you, not just so you can shut up but I mean all these years! Come on la. So what if it isnt easy for you? Have you ever thought about me? For five years its been this way. Its NOT EASY! You think im not trying? You think im just lazing around? Im sorry, but my body cant take it anymore. Anytime, ANYTIME, im just gonna crumble. Literally. I had enough..I dont want to cry anymore. I dont want to have to shout back. I dont want to be angry. I cannot breathe.

And I know it really isnt easy trying to find my true self, but im trying. Trying really hard. So that I can really set my priorities straight. So that I really know what im doing, and that what im doing isnt wrong. That I dont have to doubt my decisions even for a second. I close in, I open, I close again. Im very very tried. And its very painful. It hurts even just to cry. It hurts.

Dont you come talking to me like everything's okay next. Its not. Its not FINE. I dont know what's up with your split personalities but it really really annoys me. I hate it.

So why. Why is it that people need masks. Why is it that im so vulnerable. Can I be strong enough to pull through this? 3 years. Its not easy.

2008-05-02T20:03:00.005+08:00

PICTURES! Yes, finally. Emily, you can now rip them off. *grins* But before you do so...

My sister finally gave me my belated birthday present, but she gave it in this. HAHA.

The B.U.M Equipment jeans skirt. &

This top which is super long it can be a dress too. -dont mind the mashimaro background. hahaha-

TRIP TO THE INCINERATION PLANT

Thats our rubbish if you hadn't realised.

The carpark where the trucks come to dunk our garbage.

& something sweet. Emily's and Mine.
-courtesy of ben for the lollipops.

The Singapore Flyer at night.

DINNER AT SUSHI TEI

OOOOH. Ice cream balls. :)

SALMON!

Pineapple. Ice Cream. Hmmm. Look at its shape!

Mango rolls with part of the King prawn. How cool is that? Tasty :)

Eleanor got me hooked on Unagi. I dont mind, though :)

Eaten. Hahas.

Jasveen's room with the extra blue bed propped up. She specially left the doggy&piggy there. Hahas.

BIOLOGY SPA

Benedict's Test for reducing sugars. 1,2,3,4,5. LOOK! BELOW!

OOOH. Hahas, and no, I actually had permission from Ms Goh to take a photo!

STUDY DATE

Me&Asirah

Jasveen&I

WHAT I HAD FOR DINNER YESTERDAY

Hahah, that is a kindergarten plate. And look, there's the appetizer, the main course and the desert! HEALTHY. Its really just salad, porridge and salad.

Not cheap okay! Blackberries! :)

AND NOW!

HAHAHAH.

UHHH. XD

Hahahahahahahahahhahahahahaah.

Hmmmm.

This might really give me nightmares. :)

YES. I GOT THE MAGAZINE. Kanata has a 14page spread okay! <3

YUYA TEGOSHI. Anyone swooning yet?

IKUTA TOMA. Anyone screaming? My sister will be.

Yeah, you can't really see a proper full face view of him. I'll upload another when i've found one I really like of him. Watching him reminds me of John. No idea why either. I prefer Nakajima Yuto to Yamada now. No idea why. But they are still the best dancers I recognise so far. Other than Yuri Chinen. :)

YAMADA RYOSUKE. :)

I realised, without my sister -argh-, I wouldnt have known about NANA, bothered watching the movie and finding out about Kanata. From Kanata, I came to find out about Yamada, which led me to Yuto, and Ikuta Toma from Hana Kimi because of Maki Horikita who acted in Seito Shokun with Kanata. Yuya Tegoshi is due to the April Issue of POTATO. Hahas, I find that this whole uhh, cycle thing? Is really cute. But hey, im random, not forgetting to mention..im strange too! So you really dont have to even bother judging the things I say. Yup :)

2008-05-02T18:49:00.002+08:00

FRIDAY. Yes, finally. Not that the exams are over, but at least I get time to rest before the killer 2h30mins Math paper on Monday. No wait, or so I thought. I must go for tuition tomorrow, which means I have to complete the homework by tonight. *cries* I DETEST MATH. Though I keep telling myself that I don't so that I will do well in the subject. Well, at least thats what teachers always say. "Only when you like a subject, then will you do well in it." Yeah, sure.

Anyway. My throat hasnt got any better, and im still coughing crazy. Finished the medicine, but apparently there really isnt any improvement. Except that I got most of my voice back, so now Joyce can't say that I sound like a boy going through the phase of voice-breaking. So far, we've had our English Papers1&2, Social Studies, Chinese Paper 1 and BIOLOGY. Of which I hadn't mention, I DIDNT SLEEP THE WHOLE NIGHT 'cause I stayed up trying to study for it. Then again, its pretty much my fault. So back to the beginning, our English paper 1 was pretty okay. For once I felt CALM during the paper okay, and I finished pretty early so I got to pig. Hee! As for Paper 2, I really feel like killing Mr Rashidi. He never fails to set us a difficult passage. Or, maybe its just because im really not up to that level yet. Then again, I guess most of the Secondary 3s are complaining. The drastic change from a lower sec kiddo to a 'YOU-NEED-TO-BE-MATURED' upper sec STUDENT. Yes, thats in caps, cause we arent exactly like students half our lives. Seriously! And I refuse to digress why. Anyway, Social Studies paper was just horrible. The SBQ was a vicious killer, and the SEQ was just heartbreaking. I didnt study Chapter 2 on LKY and his policies of L.A.R.A, aka 'Leadership Is Key' and all. Didnt study Sri Lanka either 'cause I thought it wouldnt really come out since we had that for our CA. Turns out, both SEQs were tested on either. I only studied Northern Ireland and that came out for SBQ, so I was pretty screwed. Wait, I still am. Screwed for S.S. Argh. I ended up doing the one on Sri Lanka anyway, and I agree with Emily that conflicts are so much funner to learn. Not that I have a grudge against learning the Singapore history and its government. Wait, maybe I do. Plainly since it never gets into my brain, and I really don't know when Singapore gained Independence. Ooops. Heh.

ANYWAY, studied with Emily and Benedict after Chemistry remedial on Wednesday. Fun, really. Just that we ended up not really studying. Hahas. Celebrated my dad's birthday after that, at this place in Changi Village. Yup. When I got home, I totally pigged out for the whole night. So I didnt get to study Biology. Same reason why I had to spend Labour Day, well half of it, trying to cramp all 7chapters of Biology into my brain. Oh, and I realised that studying the chapter on digestion while eating is so fun. Anyway, the cramping didnt work of course, couldn't sleep even when I wanted to. And THEREFORE, today was a disaster. Finally had our exams in the hall, pretty cool but annoying too. Chinese Paper 1 was pretty fine, I think. Biology was just a killer. I almost died at Section B. To think that I was afraid of the essay questions more than the SAQ. Yayee anyway, I think I passed my essay section. Still, my worst case scenario score for Biology is 59/100. Really bad. Im not gonna cry about it now though, 'cause Math really needs to come in. Besides, while I studied Biology, I downloaded PVs and had comic reliefs through watching hilarious PVs and Variety Shows. Japanese, yes. Which reminds me, thanks to food I have become so broke to the point that I canNOT go to Kino and get my magazines!!!! Grrr. Okay, im not that broke. I really cannot afford them though. Thats the annoying part, and I really hate Singapore for not importing more Japanese CDs. I don't care how popular WaT or Ayumi is, I want my YUI Cds pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. And even singles are hard to find.

Ohoh! Wednesday was a happy day. The morning started off well, and Chemistry remedial was fun. AND, I don't know but I think he smiled accidentally after NSW on Monday. Okay I know this is so random but I was really happy that day okay. And studying with Emily and Ben is fun too. Not forgetting lunch with Nadia. Today I found myself smiling again, not at him if thats what you're thinking anyway. I hope I can smile more sincerely in the future, really. 'Cause laughing isnt really smiling. If you even get what I mean.

OHHHHHHH. Yuya Tegoshi is such a good singer cannnn! And he really looks like Kim Jung Hoon. Gosh. One for the Koreans, one for the Japanese I guess? Oh! And, I just really really have a thing for guys who dance well. Its amazing really, and I admire them for their talent. Oh but there is one exception. Aloyscious. Im not saying that he cannot dance, I just dont feel any vibe from watching him dance. I mean, im not inspired nor aspired nor amazed by his dancing skills. He does have rip-offs, though its not like he is the only one. So yeah, and if Aloy you so happen to actually bother visiting my blog and is reading this now, you don't really care do you? I'll always expect a 'whatever' so yeah. No offence kay! And yeah, I think that Hey!Say!Jump! have the best dancers under Johnny Jr's. Like Yamada Ryosuke, Nakajima Yuto and Yuri Chinnen. And no, I am NOT being biased just because I like them the most. They really CAN dance. :) *swoons*

Okay. So I like cute, good-looking nerds who are musically talented or athletic and can dance well too. Come to think of it, these are really matches to myself. I mean I love music, im a lyricist, im an ex-tracker still faithful to the track, and I dance. :) Okay, random.

ANYWAY. Emily I encourage you to watch this. :) Video's a good comic relief for the stress from studying.

2008-05-01T20:40:00.003+08:00

adorned with roses; scarred with mist

while all you can see are broken mirror shards.

-caption has of no regards to the photo

Or so you think.
[中心の記憶]

2008-04-24T23:31:00.007+08:00

Im trying.

Went to the doctor's just now. Now I have to take medicine after every meal for I have no idea how long - simply shows the amount of medicine he gave me. *sniffs* I like taking medicine though, no idea why. Drugs. Hahas. Ohoh, I only like taking solid medicine please note, which means tablets over liquid. Anyway, my throat still isnt getting any better. Joyce is such a meanie can. She says im a boy who just broke his voice. TSK. But really, I sound super strange now. Which is also why I had to get Jing Yi to sing for singspiration today. Hahas. Hmmm. When I first got my retainers, I sounded like Scot. When my voice became like now, I sometimes sound like Garry, most of the times like Wesley. What the heck.

Anyway, I think Mrs J.leong is mad, 'cause she expects us to finish typing a letter in a day about Northern Ireland and all. Social studies, one of my most hated subjects in primary school. Oh, it surfaces. Even so, I CANNOT believe I typed 700 words for it. I digressed I think. Heh. Oh well. I think im going to fail Chemistry for MYE. -sigh- Mrs Ho doesnt let me off after I ask something or she sees a wrong answer on my paper. EVEN AFTER I already understand it. Maybe she wants to get in into my brain, which probably wouldnt work at the end of the day again. Oh well. Whatever, im screwed anyway. CHARMAINE. WAKE UP! GET SOME INFORMATION INTO THAT SLOW-WORKING BRAIN OF YOURS! Sorry, just rambling.

Wanted to call Lynn today, as I passed her school. But I kinda felt like shit so I just silently walked home. Bus 67-ed home today, which is something I haven't done in a long while. Pretty quiet in the afternoon at Opera Estate. Uncle Darren brought back more curry puffs and cheesecake for me today. He's so biased, but oh well its to my advantage. Besides, my sister gets favour from the rest of the family. Its nice having someone else on my side..I guess.

Lost the elections, pretty obvious. Advisor. Hmm..can slack, la huh. And why do I feel that the Sec 3s running gossipmall are reading this and laughing at me right now? Oh well, write all you want. I know a lot of people don't support me, and don't like me. If you think im proud of whatever, sure. I wont say how good I am either, that you are just mad saying what you're saying, 'cause thats for you to judge.

I dont want anything else to put me down. At least, for now, I really want a good defence shield. I need it. There's just too much thats happening now.

And MSN is annoying me 'cause it keeps hanging. Dang.

Pimple. Hahas. He asked me something I thought I felt I could answer no, but why is it when I see you sometimes it feels different, sometimes I feel I don't?

Why do I feel so numb?

2008-04-22T22:14:00.003+08:00

WOOOH~ I failed my Chemistry graded assessment!

No, im not happy. Duh. -sigh- Been failing a lot of tests lately, and I really cannot tell if my Math and A Math are improving at all. I feel like blaming the brain of mine that thinks so cliche-ish when it comes to Math, 'cause I am never able to find other ways of tackling a question. Another really disappointing issue that brought me down is that I failed my Literature test by one mark. Though I really dont mind 'cause I wrote like, half a page, but its Literature. So it does kinda piss me off pretty much. I dont remember how many times I stayed back to talk to Mr Rashidi about Lit after lessons. -sigh- I cannot afford to deprove now.

Don't feel like going to school tomorrow. Mum wants me to accompany her to the hospital but the elections are tomorrow. Not that I want to go, but I can't possibly back out at the last minute. So Su ended up not dropping out, and Sze Ern says they arent gonna find a replacement for Joseph. Which is crappy, though the reason is understandable. Anyway, its pretty obvious who the winner will be. Besides, I have no interest of becoming the Head of PD Council. The stress will kill, I think. Looking at Chun Feng really scares me 'cause he is always so busy. Thats why I didnt really prepare my speech for tomorrow. Oh well. Just gonna see how it goes. I don't see why I have to try so hard when the answer is already superrrrr obvious. Su's gonna become the Head, and me the advisor. I bet not more than 10 people will vote for me, much less 5. So yay, im just gonna go up and speak whatever comes to mind, and go back knowing Su's gonna win! :) Well yeah. I dont exactly have confidence la. Embarassing. -sigh-

Muahahahah. My sister is cruel and mean and influencing. Im playing Neopets with her now. Yes, believe it or not. Lynn, remember how we used neopets.com as a cure for boredom in primary school? It works okay! Though I really wanna concentrate on watching anime instead. Heh. *grins* Everyone has started studying for their MYEs already. I haven't. Just started doing my S.S notes last week only. Gawd. I think I really am a hopeless failure. -sigh-

Be happy? Difficult, really. I have always been an emo person, so....even trying to distract myself from the issue doesn't help for long. Stop telling me to smile..'cause my smiles dont seem to be genuine and I hate that. Note Emily and I agreed on though, is that being 'emo' helps when writing your essay. I guess, pretty much. Okay, sorry I know that's really off-topic but anyway, yeah. Sports Day is coming soon. Im happy! Hee. I guess most of you know why la huh. The track is my home! Okay, not..but you get the point. Heats are on the 14th though, so thats like umm. 2 days after the exams, I doubt i'll have proper time to train. Don't think i'll be training though. See how it goes. Yupyup.

OKAY. I shall go off now. Falling asleep already. Havent been feeling well for a while now. Ben says I've got throat infection. Yuck.

Walked past today! :) I wonder.

2008-04-19T14:55:00.001+08:00

I might not understand you, but dont claim you understand me. You dont know half of what I am, who I am, me. Even if my best friends dont, I dont see how you do.

2008-04-19T13:11:00.003+08:00

And all it does is to just come back and hit like its the first time.

It happened in Sec 1. It happened in Sec 2 too. Now, I dont see why im not suprised. Girl, if you think I don't understand how you feel, well I do. I know that feeling too well to be lying to you right now. I felt the whole damn thing last year, and now, I dont know why..but it just seems as if im really lost in this conflict. I dont see myself using you as a substitute when she isn't around. I dont see our relationship getting any closer when we sat beside each other. When I went in front..I don't seem to see you around anymore. You know how our first guess is that you're in the washroom? The next thing im about to know, is who you're with. I dont know about insecurities or true friendship, because no one is showing me that. Its just, I feel this and I feel that. Its so sickening that I dont know how to approach it anymore. Whenever im with you guys, I dont feel as if im part of the group. Besides, the reason why I even moved to the front is not because of her, but because of the annoying right hand-side, and the fact that I canNOT see the damn board, especially during Math.

Forward. I had SUSHI TEI for the second time in my whole life. And yeah, Sean. It is a whole lot better than Sakae Sushi, 'cept that their salmon texture are a whole lot smoother. Does it matter? Yeah, it does. Hee. *grins* Anyway, school this week has been pretty crappy to be honest. Asirah was M.I.A for like two days, and things started to get worse. Not that I had to be reminded. Anyway, we went to the TUAS Incineration Plant for Learning Journey on Wednesday, and gosh it was gross. Cool, though. Hahas. Pictures shall be uploaded soon. Had fun at the Computer Lab yesterday too, Emily and I were playing the IMac, and Mr Law just had to ruin the fun by closing everything. TSK. BUT, we managed to transfer the photos we took using the PhotoBooth before we left class. Hahas. Chapel was noisy, as in the music was really deafening, but as usual, less than filled was the whole Chapel.

And all of a sudden I cannot bring myself to blog further, so goodbye.

! sorry this is so crap.

And you make it too obvious.

2008-04-15T17:46:00.005+08:00

I wanna go back to the days of silence. Not the depression part, just the silence of everyday life. Working hard for the exams, late nights on MSN, drowning myself in Evanescence and songwriting. And I just remembered how I made a promise to myself that I would finish writing my book by the end of Secondary 2. Apparently, the document is collecting 'dust' from inside my computer. Anyway, that doesnt seem to matter now, just that im really disappointed in myself. Seems like I haven't found the 'me' yet. And its pretty annoying, because everytime im loud, I get scolded. Yes, even when im fighting for my rights, gawd. Yet when I keep my mouth shut, people go like, "OH MY GOD CHARMAINE ARE YOU ALL RIGHT!?!? DONT SCARE ME EH" Seriously, what do you people out there want of me anyway? If finding my true self isnt hard enough, the hope of going back to the path of late nights with words and music seems so dim. And really, more homework and the courage to living up a Secondary 3 student's life aint easy. OR, maybe its just because I take things too hard on myself. Though I certainly don't think so. Rawrrrr. I miss...

Okay, Adam. SEE? You get to read, now.

I've been oversleeping a lot these days, and thats definitely really irritating. With the exception of bad hair days too, that is. Then again, its because i've been sleeping really late like, 5AM. Good example of that would be Monday morning. Studying for Biology of which the test turned out to be pretty difficult. Like yeah, apparently so for the MCQ too. Sad, but then again, I was studying while watching anime. Hahas, im so sorry. I've been doing that since Sunday. I really wanna catch up on my Anime-ing see. Yupp. An amazing thing from that though, is that I actually, as in seriously ACTUALLY, smiled while watching NARUTO episode 114. I know, retarded really. But yeah, I smiled, with my heart. At least I somehow realised that. Don't know why, and the fact that its NARUTO. Hahas. Oh well. Im strange, remember? Who isn't. I mean well, everyone is la huh. One way or the other.

REAL.G Vol.2 hasn't arrived yet, apparently, and im happy. 'Cause I have to save up for it even though its $14.70. Running really low on cash here. Hahas. Anyway, April is here, so I really need to SAVE UP for more magazines since new issues will be coming. And then, Emily, Ben and I can go all goo-gah again. Hahas. Teppei's for Ben, so pray hard his face appears somewhere. Wentz for Emily, Kanata and..gosh too many..for me. OHOH. Yuya Tegoshi for all three! Hahas. Though apparently, I seem to see him everyday..but yeah. SHHHH. Hahas. Anyway, yay. 'Cause im just done watching One Pound Gospel Epi 2. I know im slow, but its not like i have 48 hours a day. Gonna finish Kurosagi soon! Yayee. -Hmm, you have no idea what im talking about- But seriously, I really really like Kanata! He's good-looking, cute, and definitely can act! Plus, he knows magic. Haha! Andddddd. My sister is crazy, 'cause she's crazy over Ikuta Toma too! She's telling me to buy Honey&Clover Drama Set just because he's acting in it. Havent watch it, synopsis doesnt interest me, but really. HanaKimi is good enough for me! Yayee. And im just typing more crap you don't understand.

Anyway, school's been all right so far. Just feeling sick right now, since SYF yesterday. Slept like at least half of the training. I still have headaches right now and because I kept vomiting, well, tried to, Liang Kai is making fun of me. IM NOT PREGNANT okay. I asked Jeremy for sweets and LK went like, "Shouldn't you like sour stuff instead?" He's been making a lot of noise in class lately, but he's so funny. Apparently, 3J can be fun around crazy people like such. Conflicts are just a matter of time anyway. Hopefully it passes soon, 'cause I really aint in the mood of being a bitch.

Okay. I AM IN SERIOUS NEED OF MONEY! AND A NEW MP3 TOO. I have 6 magazines to buy, and I dont understand why I cannot find any YUI CDs around. OHOH. I saw a Teppei solo CD and showed it to Ben the other day. So cute la. Umm, I meant his reaction..not teppei. *grins* I support WENTZ! Okay..sorry. Im just crapping right now..my headache is killing me. There's NAFA tomorrow, and learning journey. My body still aches from SYF training, the first part, and its as if my body was beaten up, 'cause my rib cage is aching mad, and I canNOT laugh. Anddd. I shall just go. Hahas. Goodbye.

Hmmm. Today was sweet, but I really want to forget. Somehow, somewhere inside of me. I feel like the more I hear about you, the more the pain. No matter how much I wish it could stay, it doesnt seem to be working. Does it have to pass, I ask myself. The light aint shining through, I don't have the courage, and I just wanna sleep this away.

KANATA HONGO!
'char.

2008-04-10T23:47:00.005+08:00

Talking about it, the whole time. I don't know what I should do anymore. And yet, I keep refusing to tell him whats wrong. Its so difficult. Someone's turning 15 tomorrow. Tomorrow's Founder's Day. Dear Big Daddy, make me a happy beautiful butterfly with a hopefully nice costume which won't make me feel like crap or fall down on stage. Leaving it all to You.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LYNN!
You're another year older, which means that you're another year wiser, and definitely stronger. Stay true to your heart okay? Take care, and try not to stress yourself by worrying too much about things. Im always here for you, yeah? Love you girl. :)

Okay, seriously. I didnt choose to sing. I didnt choose to embarrass myself on stage. I didnt choose to have Benedict.w play the guitar for me. I didnt choose to make a flip, I didnt choose to be there, and I definitely NEVER asked for your demoralizing comments which makes me even more depressed than I already am. I am sick and tired of you hurting me, the fact that sometimes I do feel that you are too verbal for your own good. You know im emotional right? You should know how im so sensitive to such things, and you just have to keep rubbing it in. Im not perfect, you know. Im so sorry, but I really can't do things the way we both want it to be. I didnt ask for this. I didnt choose to be here like that, right here right now. I didnt. I don't want to. Its not easy, facing up to a whole school of people who laugh at you and sing you the same thing as you walk pass. It isnt easy. I've got my pride too. Im Christopher Boone number 4 who feels.

-sigh- Im so stressed out. Received our MYE schedule today, and its so crap. They should give us one day intervals between each day we have an exam. I don't see whats the use of giving us two days off after we're done with our papers, plus the fact we still have post-exams after anyway. Give us one day intervals to study and score for your subjects, why not? Drama is killing me, tiring me out to the extreme core that I have seriously NO LIFE. School, the same. I simply just have no time to study the way I want to, no time to relax, no time to do what I want to do, to pursue my passion, to hang out for once like in, eons, and seriously no time to even be myself. I keep having to put up this shield I want off just so as to defend myself with all the negativity around me. I dont even have time to process emotions and issues that all im doing is just to cry, and let it out. I don't exactly have a nice big black box to store away my troubles. Mummy's stressing me out with all the family shit and the whole 22nd January thing. I should just. Die. Or something that can relive me of all the stress im undergoing. For now, at least. Oh, and. A conversation between my mother and I yesterday.

Me: My pores are showing!
Mummy: Aiyo! Your face is green!
Me: Huh? Tell me what to do with my face.
Mummy: Its not your face, its your health.
Me: Huh. So? Meaning? -whats wrong with me-
Mummy: You're weak.
Me: Thank you, please tell that to my teacher.
Mummy: You're going to collapse anytime.
Me: Thank you, please tell that to my teacher.

Chemistry remedials are so fun! Mr Bakar is really awesome, 'cause he goes slow while Mrs Ho seems to speed on even though she's pretty long-winded. Im really glad that a lot of my questions are being answered in Chemistry remedial. My doubts cleared. Yay! He's so funny and nonsensical, remedials are a joy to look forward o every Wednesday. Okay, so thats two reasons why I like going for Chemistry remedials. One's because its Mr Bakar, second 'cause my doubts are usually cleared. Thirdly, I don't have to go for Drama early, 'cause I dread so nowadays, im so sorry. So tiring, see. Oh, and. Lastly, there's Physics remedial next door. Hahas. Okay, im such an idiot. Haha, sorry. I don't know why I typed that, but I really think I am. Most people who don't know me personally, thinks im stupid. Well, to be honest, I think that people who do, thinks the same. Does that equal to me really being stupid? NO. Its just me. Okay what im saying. I think its because its 12.22AM right now, im drinking jolly shandy -im not drunk though- and I am in SUPER want-to-faint mode now.

Anyway, there's Social Studies test tomorrow. Which I don't think I can study for with the way my brains are right now. -sigh- I passed one and failed another Math test this term. Which is pretty crappy, 'cause I failed to the point where I cannot fail any lower. Okay, its not 0. Its just, really low to my standards that it's so shitty. If I don't pass Math for my O's, im screwed. Like seriously, will be screwed to the point that I can never step foot home again. Anyway, its Founder's Day tomorrow, so wish me luck for it. Pray for me, please. Thanks in advance if you're going to. I need it, really.

Went to buy Lynn's present today. Sean will have an IOU present from me, just as he IOUs me, 'cause he hasnt decided on a wallet he wants and likes, and im not telling him what to buy for me either. Anyway, Benedict came with me, and on our way to the interchange, he was ANNOYING me with all his nonsensical stories of thursday and me. Sick, can. Gross gross. Hahas, and I kept telling him to go away. Bus 38-ed home anyway, and once again fell asleep on the bus. Which is something I definitely should stop doing, 'cause like Jerrold used to remind me, its NOT SAFE. Especially for a girl. *frowns* Its not that I hate being a girl, but being one, you have to be cautious about almost every single thing and be the one who suffers the most pain. ARGH, cannn.

Okay, goodnight. Hahas, I need to STUDY!

Seriously, if you think you know me that well, enough to call me someone who acts in a negative term, why not look at yourself first? In the mirror perhaps, if its about my looks. Im not perfect, no one is. But I don't feel that criticising someone else is going to do you any good. 'Cause you do it like you earn money for every sick comment you say about someone else. I detest you people to the core that I really think you need a life with better hobbies. I know I say bad things or gossip about someone too from time to time, but I do feel sorry with a need to sometimes. At least im sure I don't go to the extend of scarring that person for life. All you knuckle heads out there, learn how to speak English before you start cursing, that'll be a headstart too. I mean, well, to better speaking of profanities that makes sense and then we'll get your point, but still ignore you.

Im SPEAKING FUNNY, still.

I don't think I can face you. Feels strange, really. Sorry. Anyway, hope you're okay. Stop falling sick, aint the right time now that our Mid-years are coming. Bless you, really.

2008-04-07T22:43:00.004+08:00

I used to want waking up to orange juice and breakfast on a glass table with my family. Which never happened. I used to want to remember times when my parents read me a bedtime story. I cannot remember, and so I pretty much gave up. And after 3 years of nonsense, she wants to write farewell letters. Great, simply just great.

Okay. School was just crap today. Honestly. First two periods were English, and Miss Wong just had to relieve the class. She took Emily's chair! And seriously, I feel that she has a thing against councillors and is really calculative about things. I actually stuck my tongue out to her many times behind her back, knowing I shouldn't be doing that, but at the same time really couldn't help myself to do so. And for Biology lesson today, I paid 1/4 attention to Ms Goh, the rest of it just wandering off. I apologise, and Chinese period was retarded. Which reminds me, I have got Chinese homework to do. Talk about writing a conversation between two birds. What the heck, I know. Anyway, Chinese lesson was retarded because Mrs Tan started playing a song about the bird, and Ben and I guessed it was sung by Feng FeiFei(sp?). Lo' & Behold, after all the digression Mrs Tan went through, she finally arrived with the answer. Yes, it was sung by her, and to think Joseph.Tay said he was her son! Hahas. Anyway, yeah. This is of no offence to her fans whatsoever. Im just saying. Recess was ummm, nothing much. Pure Literature was just..im sorry, but im speechless. & uh, Mr Rashidi is a MEANIE. Math lessons weren't that boring, pretty fine, really. History Elective..was just..I don't know. I feel so stupid about myself today.

First time in my whole life. I spoke to you, and honestly I felt like an idiot. I cannot believe I blushed like crazy to the fact that I broke down on the Queen, but thanks. 'Cause somehow I felt like I was just smiling crazy somewhere inside. Thank you, but I think I really know my priorities now.

And I should go.

2008-04-06T22:05:00.012+08:00

Okay. PICTURES TIME!

Hahas. Will be posting up some really old pictures and lame ones too. Feast your eyes! XD

First of, VALENTINE'S DAY

Yupp. Thats all I got for V' day.

Okay, COMPARE. WHICH ONE IS CUTER!?
Left: given by Sean&Clarence for V'day
Right: given by Uncle Darren for Christmas
-comments at my tagboard please-

Hahas. Dont ask. Seriously.

The piggy keychains I got for M.Jsquare.A.C :) <3

No, Asirah. There's NOTHING WRONG with the cake! =p

Perfect, yeah?

-sigh- Michelle's doing funny things to Jasveen AGAIN. *silent chuckles*

Obviously Michelle's work, and Aloy's name is there because the skull she drew reminded me of him.

MUAHA.

A drink im trying to get used to drinking. Which tastes like, pomelo.

This shows how BORED I was on the train.

Salmon&Asparagus from TCC

Secondary 2 Home Economics Finale : Alex -Chicken Chop, Eleanor - Shredded Chicken Salad, Sean- Chocolate Mousse, Me- Potato Skins :)

Clearer view. One and only. HAHAH.

ACT 3 2007! Char&Emily.E

Sec 2 Cheer Practice : BLACKMAIL. Hahas. So cute right? Like Father&Son.

The adorable Pompom -pomeranian- is a male who's in love with me. :)

And you're thinking, it just had to be right after the cute dog. Yes, this was when my eye got really bad infection and I was blind, pretty much and sweet XIN EN smsed the whole class to pray for me. :)

AEM

My heart make-up!

AEM GROUP PICTURE!
Nad; Su; Aloy; Rara; Char

RAINBOW! Seriously!

I just found it funny, so I took a picture of it. Reminded me of Joel Han from Act 3.

Try looking at my muffins sideways!

The dress my mum wanted me to get.

The dress I got instead, and the one I wore to my godbrother's wedding and to Impressions9. Ignore the chucks.

WHAT I BOUGHT

FINALLY. Black pumps, with a little bit of heels.

Okay, the white ones are what I bought for my sister. The black ones above are what my sister bought for me. Its a IOU present thing.

Haagen Daiz STRAWBERRY CHEESECAKE ICE CREAM!

My $29.90 top

HEEHEE.

CUTE, YES?

One of my favourite Jap movies, and Drama -IKUTA TOMA!-

My very first issues of JUNON and POTATO Magazines!
Yes, im crazy. Admitted.

Picture taken just before crossing the road to school.
Char&Rachel.g, the brace clubs members untill..yeah I took it off.

BEN&Char. Love this crazy guy, who just seems to like verbally violating me in class ALL THE TIME.

Ben, SHY.

Beloved Chairpersons of Drama Club!
Aloy&Nad

Sean&Char
BFF I hope.

Su&Char, which apparently this picture depicts a freaky girl. Hahas, sorry. Su just looks scary!

OKAY! GOOD FOOD NOW! I MEAN IT.

2nd round? 3rd round? I DONT REMEMBER. But I do remember having a lot of rounds at VIENNA. Yupp. Thats the restaurant's name.

Something sweet! :)

TEST TUBES -baby juice- which totally reminded me of CHEMISTRY SPAs and the crazy/freaky experience with the Chlorine last Thursday.

And yeah. Thats about it. Hope your eyes are like..I don't know. Satisfied? For some reason or another. Hahas! Shall blog a different post now.

*See above for today's second post.

2008-04-05T23:47:00.008+08:00

IMPRESSIONS!

Sorry, I just think that Impressions should be the right WHAM thingy thing for this post. So ANYWAY, before I get started, I went to get my RETAINERS yesterday. Left Chapel early, which made me pretty upset, but I think the sitting distance in the Chapel was good enough to make me smile. Hahas. Only Emily knows. SHHHH. So yeah, got my retainers, blue in colour, which makes me sound like SCOT. Which is probably one of the worst things that could happen to me, which did anyway. So yeah, laugh all you want on Monday. Its HORRIBLE! And anyway, left the dentist to get some stationary at Popular, and Praise God, 'cause Vanessa was there! And she helped by using her staff card for a 15% discount. *smiles* Miss her, MISS CHURCH.

Anyway, back to Impressions 9. Rushed home from Orchard, bathed and blowed straight dry my hair. Which took me ages by the way. Screw wavy hair for times you want it straight. Anyway, my mum totally forced her newly concocted soup down my throat before I left home. Like, uh. Okay, that was just random. Heh. Anyway, dressed up and left to meet Benedict, Keith, Farina and her friend of whose name I dont know!, at Kembangan station. Benedict was so different, 'cause he did his hair which was SPIKED UP. Yes, imagine the length of his hair with it spiked up. COOL, though. Really amazing. Anyway, his date Nadia, was late, so we ended up waiting for her at Aljunied station. As the many trains passed, we were singing in the middle of the station and it was so embarrassing, especially when Ben started shaking his butt and the people in the train behind him saw. Hilarious, really. A while later anyway, Nadia made her grand entrance from the escalator onto the platform and she looked like Patti LaBelle number 2! Seriously, totally Patti. Anyway, we ended up rushing to Singapore Conference Hall, and following the other hildans who were rushing there too. Then Herman, my 'date' -lol- had to wait for me opposite the traffic light. Hahas kor, you looked nice. *grins* So anyway yes, we went inside..and THE STUPID PHUA-KIA LIED TO ME CANNNNN. Thursday didnt appear! Stupid. Thats fine though, actually, because of what happened today. Anyway yeah, my 15bucks didnt go to a waste. The band was awesome, really. And the whole impressions night was really IMPRESSIONS. Like a fashion show you know? Where some of the people you see in school looked the opposite when they came all dressed up, while some others just looked like crap. And I repeat for the umpteenth time, that JOSEPH TAY looked SUPER HOT okay! I just love his fashion sense, and the smell of his wardrobe, which smells like cologne I don't know why. Don't ask me how I know how his clothes smelled like, long story, plainly innocent. And yes, seriously, he looked really hot yesterday okay, and Emily too looked really SEXY. Hahas! Anyway, Impressions was just great, and I realised that one of the Alumni Band members is pretty good-looking. And Herman just had to rub it in, asking if I was there for the music or for the guys. Okay, BOTH la huh. Like Emily said, "we're females. we have a right to have some eyecandy once in a while, y'know?". I have to agree. Save myself. Hahas.

ANYWAY, my seating arrangement was good, but we just had to be seated smacked right behind Mrs Calais and her husband, and all the other teachers. HMM. Anyway, after the whole thing ended, we : Nadia, Farina, Benedict, Sean, Keith, Herman and I went for supper at Simei. Long John's was closed, so we went to Starbucks instead. Caramel Frap and Oreo Cheese Cake! *SMILES* Anyway it got pretty late, so Ben's daddy sent Herman and I home. I meant, me home, and then Herman to his own home. Yeah. Hahas! Andddd.

Had Founder's Day today, woke up 30minutes late, and was 30minutes late for the rehearsal! Hahas. Ms Abidah wasnt there, so it was just the four of us actors, Aloyscious the extra SM of the crew, and Benedict. Yup. Mr Sharil was in a dancy-hilarious mood today though at times he got pretty angry and scary, and he got pizza for us for lunch. Then we had a commenting session, and yeah I guess im too harsh when telling my junior whats wrong, 'cause she cried on me, and that IS SCARY. Anyway, after the crying, the most amazing thing happened, of which I think Aloy is just oblivious to my reaction, but Benedict knew and told me to go for it. I did what I could, he just didnt reciprocate. Fine, wrong word to use, but yeah. Anyway, blahblahblah, and Bus 38-ed home with Ben and Aloy. Totally fell asleep on the bus after Aloy dropped off, and im pretty lucky to wake up just before my stop. Hahas. Anyway, got home, slept another 30minutes, got dressed and went out for Buffet dinner at United Square, basement. The restaurant's name card is in my wallet and I forgot the name so yeah, i'll blog again about the name, with some pictures. So anyway yes, the dinner was really amazing! Food, Glorious food! I had loads of sushi, typical of me, which included like lots and lots of raw salmon, and this egg mayo salad with a short chocolate almond pocky stick in a teacup. Every round of getting food, it appears on my plate. Heh. Then I had 14 test tubes of what they called, 'baby juice', which consisted of random flavours such as apple, carrot, vegetable, sparkling red grape juice and this really cool lime flavoured solution. Yupyup. Then I had 2 cocktails and diluted red wine. Hahas. I wanna drink the vodka that's stored away in my kitchen! And mix it with Sprite or Vanilla Coke! Hee. Okay random anyway, and for today I didnt dare check my weight after dinner! Hahas. Okay, not like I do so everyday but when I know i've ate a lot or lost a bit -hopefully- for that day, I will. Today was an exception. Hahas. Anyway, yeah. Forgot to add in Thursday's post, I bought two Blythe dolls too! The only dolls that don't scare me.

And I should be sleeping now 'cause im super tired, and pictures shall fill the next time I post. Which might just be tomorrow.

Oh and, band members are so difficult to recognise in school! Like Donovan and Adam, and Jean and Schuyler(sp?).

And you make me worry.

2008-04-03T23:55:00.003+08:00

Happy 400th post! & Happy Birthday Ryan! Not like you'll ever see this. Man, I miss you and Naz.

Okay, im really sorry for the long wait of this post. Heh. Im not going to leave a warning here that it'll be another long entry, though that's both an advantage and a disadvantage. However you like it.

So yes, Michelle and Emily have been BUGGING me on my tagboard to update, and here I am! WITH MY NEW LAYOUT TOO! Yes, its 100% designed by me, and though my sister said she saw something like it on blogskins.com, I don’t give a thing about it, 'cause I haven't been to blogskins.com for a while now, and I am an honest person, so yes. =D Anyway, its been ages since I last blogged, and i've always wanted to, just that my layout wasn't ready 'cause I couldn't decide on the colour of the entry&navi space. Thanks to Nadia though, for helping! *smiles* So yes, here I am. I don’t really remember past things that have happened so far, but I’ll update this finally 'renewed' blog with my best ability. And im really sorry that even though its ireland-kiss ver.o1, the layout isn't exactly comparable. Its not refined, but then again, I dont have the kind of intellectual mind like my best bfriend has.

Been busy for the past few weeks of school, ever since the March holidays started. Had projects and a mountain load of homework to do every week or worse, day. Been failing my Chemistry too, and now im down for remedial every Wednesday. Which gives me a reason to be late for Drama anyway, since I am beginning to dread it now. Drama is really wearing me out, and the expectations just piss me off sometimes, it gets really frustrating. For one thing I know I kinda toned down a bit this year, but im still emotionally unstable. Classes have been pretty much a bore, and everyday is just the same old thing again. Actually, it has gotten a little livelier, now that Mrs Wong is well, so much 'fun'. She makes Math lessons much more interesting than required. Anyway, I have been going for tuition with Lynn every Saturday now, so im pretty much stronger in my Add Math than before. Unlike E Math of which I still find a chore to do, but definitely one subject I need to score in if I want to get to VJ. Conversely, Ms Goh’s lessons have been getting drier and drier. Though sometimes it gets a little funny since she has a strange and cute personality which consists of talking to herself. Also, we have finally found a way to not fall asleep during English periods. Umm, probably other periods too. Emily, Benedict and myself now write in this notebook everyday in school, gossiping and all. We have moved on to Vol.2 –new book- in less than a month, I think. Yeah. Oh and, Benedict thinks that Koike Teppei is cute. Which reminds me. REWIND!

Went to Ben’s church at YMCA during Easter. Amazingly my mother allowed me to attend his church rather than my own. Ridiculous, yes? So anyway, I went, and Ben’s parents picked me up at the station. He’s got a small church with a nice group of people. And really cute kids! Except that I feel that one of Ben's friend has bad fashion sense, but nonetheless, I enjoyed myself quite when I was there. I can still remember how shocked Clarence Kok was when he saw me there. –yes, they attend the same church- So anyway, yes. Then after the service we had lunch there, and we went to Bugis with his parents, who were getting a new phone. Funniest thing was, Ben and I looked like a couple, or siblings walking and talking, and HAHAH. 'Cause we were 'arguing'/talking until I asked, "Yeah and, where are your parents?" We were following them, see, but we were so concentrative on our conversation that we just walked on while his parents were far behind us. Hahas. Anyway, after the whole thing, I went to his house to see Spice, his Schnauzer. Who is really cute by the way. Then Jasveen and Anisha –her lil' sis- came over and Ben started telling them a story while using his childhood toys while I searched for Teppei’s pictures to show Ben. Honestly, I didn’t bother about Teppei until his church friend talked about him. Okay now, FORWARD.

So yes, now Benedict likes Teppei, while Emily and I like his partner in WaT, Eiji Wentz. Andand, all three of us are crazy over Yuya Tegoshi, of whom they say looks like the boy downstairs. Also, now Nadia, Emily, Benedict, Liang Kai, Suman, Joel and I are given nicknames/names to be called after. Can’t say though, it's a 3J thing. Well, not exactly, but yes.

Anyway, I'll be posting some really old pictures soon, with some new pictures of things im crazy about. :)

Which reminds me, I just need to say this.

I BOUGHT MY VERY FIRST ISSUE OF JUNON AND POTATO MAGAZINE. IM LIKE CRAZY CRAZY, AND AM GOING TO BUY EVERY ISSUE OF IT EVERY MONTH. AND IF ANYONE OF YOU SEES MYOJO OR DUET, LET ME KNOW! 'CAUSE I CANT FIND THEM AND I WANT THEM REAL BAD. THANKS IN ADVANCE, I guess. XD

Okay, seriously, I've been spending a lot of money lately. Bought a pair of shoes for my sister, while she bought the same in black for me. It's a IOU present thing! Hahas. Also, I bought those two magazines above, which costed me $12.80 and $13.30 respectively. ALSO, I bought a vintage top for $29.90 at The Box, and 2 DVDs, one of Hanazakari No Kimitachi E, and one of my favourite Japanese movies, Taiyou No Uta. I feel a bit cheated though, 'cause the subtitles of the movie disc keeps flashing up and down while being shown, while the cover of HanaKimi has got Malay words on them. –sigh- But anyway, YAY! Hahas. I've influence my mother and sister too, and they love the show. Can't help it, probably. It was too hilarious. And maybe its just me, 'cause they never seem to cry at heartbreaking parts. AND, hahas. What else have I bought? Food, I guess. Hahas. Come to think about it, i'll get broke either way trying to save up every month whether I eat or not, just to buy SEVENTEEN, JUNON, POTATO, DUET &/OR MYOJO. That costs way too over my budget. Of what im willing to pay la, simply. I don't intend on buying Kindai, unless Kanata Hongo appears in it. Its like $14 bucks, and really, im not that rich. I eat, and I need money to do so. Heh. Talk about losing weight, im currently 48.5kg. Which is 0.5kg less than before? Hopeless. Im not anorexic or anything, I just don't like the way my muscles look on me. So I need to lose weight, and tone them. And uh, somehow I feel you don’t understand ¾ of what I said above. Hmmm. Oh well. *shrugs*

And yes, talking about Drama just makes me wanna go, “Ooh, ooh, ooh ah AH I DON’T WANNA GO!” I have no intention of being a happy butterfly for Founder’s Day. Im not the kind of girl who smiles like there's no pain in this world. I cannot smile. Yet I have to, I need to. I must. –sighs- And Ms Abidah wants me to become an Ah Soh/aunty for our End-of-Year Production : The Day I Met The Prince. Oh, don't ask. I have no idea how I am going to be comfortable in that role. Somehow I just have to be. And right now, I just really don't think I have the time. Sec 3 is really just busybusybusy. I haven't got a life. I mean, so maybe I do, here and then. But honestly, my life is run by events I don't want to lose control of. If you get what I mean. School's just, bursting. 3J had their NAFA 2.4 run yesterday. However, thanks to the group of cheaters who claimed they ran 2.4 but lied, caused the whole class to have to retake 2.4 again next week. Me myself I don't mind running again, because I want to. Its just the fact that they didn't apologise to the class when they were in the wrong. Talk about being too guilty. Come on, it isn't as if no one didn’t know who was involved. Just a word of 'Sorry' won't do? Somehow, im sorry to say that I feel shameful for being a Councillor. And Zane is just, you know..? She just leaves me speechless EVERY TIME. I don't know what to rebut her anymore. Still I cant believe she wrote 19mins on the class list when I got like around 17mins. I know I did so badly, that I don't even want to compare it with Sec 1, which was what? 13.10? But I mean, I wouldn't fail right? That's a disgrace to an ex-tracker! What in her right mind made it so that I failed while Siti who was behind me, didn’t? She’s too eccentric for my liking, really. Im sorry. Im just really tired and pissed off. Like, been so for these few days. Just gets so frustrating you know? So if you guys have been wondering how I've been? Same answer: SURVIVING. Just, surviving.

The past two weeks have been filled with time in need of studying for tests, of which I failed Chinese and Chemistry, and probably will so for Literature and E Math. Gosh I seriously need to buck up. All I can say is that its so difficult and though I keep trying to push myself, I don’t feel myself moving. Or, maybe I am. Backwards.

AND to put ALL THAT SHIT aside, I took out my braces today. After 1 year and 8 months. My mouth feels empty. Literally. I really miss my braces cannn. I want them back! Hee. And seriously, I think I look funny without them now. My sister says its cause im not used to it, and I agree, but I really REALLY want my braces back! Gonna wear my retainers tomorrow, and get another filling in my tooth. Heh. I guess thats what happens when you eat too much sweet food. And I cannot believe that im going for Impressions9 tomorrow. First time in my whole life, pretty cool then? I hope. As in, seriously hope. And I really hope that HOPEFULLY thursday will notice for a good reason. *grins*

OHOH. I went to Kinokuniya again today, after my appointment, and I ACTUALLY MADE AN ORDER FOR REAL.G VOL.2 JUST BECAUSE KANATA'S FACE IS ON IT! $14.70. IM MAD! XD

Anyway, shall go off now. History test tomorrow! -SIGH-

Note: Lit's a killer. Someone save me.

2008-03-09T22:39:00.011+08:00

WARNING: THIS WILL BE AN AWFULLY LONG POST.

NOTE: Im making a new layout at the moment, but Emily, bear with this first yeah? :) OH AND, im going to type in a point-form way so its easier.

SOOOOOO. Where should I start? Hahas, a lot of things popped into my life lately, and its really just all a mess. Still, I think im happy. Well, sometimes over the passing line though. ANYWAY, I guess CAMP then. Since its what Emily's been waiting for? Heh.

DAY 1
Took a cab to school with Nadia.C.
Had the leadership workshop in the hall.
Pretty boring to be honest, but we had fun!
Speaking of fun, it refers to me, siti and nad
Scribbling on Emily's leg and hand!
She says its ticklish but its so fun hahas sorry!
Yeah, Emily wrote : "frenchbean will miss you!"
The ink faded off already, but I intend to make Emily write it again
Next Monday. :)
ANYWAY, at around 11.30, Emily had to leave us.. *sniffs*
NO, she's STILL ALIVE! And kicking I hope. *chuckles*
Well yeah, and Michy and I went to the toilet, so our
instructor, Adlan, took our attendance last
Funniest thing was, he got our name wrong.
Like, "Charmaine, Michelle" And we went,
"Nono! Michelle, Charmaine"
Anyway yes, he's really a nice guy.
Who irritates me, but yes.
Then we set off to school, and on our way to
the bus, we walked past the canteen and shouted
to Emily saying that we will miss her
3J has two instructors : Adlan and MeiQi, who is
super enthusiastic and really cute. Yup!
They were making fun of each other in the bus
and it was really funny. Michy shared her cinnamon bun
with me, and soon we reached Marina Pier.
Took a ferry to SJI a.k.a St.John's Island, which is
freakingly huge and it looked like an army camp to me
with all the fences and barbed wires, but Adlan said it wasnt one.
Anyway, we had to walk for a really long way up to the campsite,
which is really not to my liking. Still, hahas.
We had lunch after we reached our 'meeting point', or the
basketball court where our camp commandant introduced to us
the various instructors. Instructor Travis, if im not wrong,
the instructor in-charge of 3H, seriously has an identity
crisis. But he's really funny lah! Hahas. Ummm.
Anyway, it started raining cats and dogs, and we were moved
into this 'cage' hut which we used for shelter. Shared with
Benedict his poncho, and we walked all the way to Dorm 13
where we created our very own group name and flag. I was in
group 16, together with M.J, Van, Siti and Ben. Our group name
is JUNITE and something freaky happened in the dorm while we were there.
Basically, I saw something and I freaked siti out by letting her know.
Its dorm 13 anyway, and there were really lots of comments about it.
Still, our lips were sealed there and then. The other half of
our class, group 15, called themselves Tigers.
I guess its due to 'excessive'
learning of the LTTE during Social Studies lessons.
So yeah, 3J called ourselves Junite tigers.
Anyway, after we were done with our flag, we went back to
the meeting point. And yeah, I don't remember what happened.
Hahas sorry Emily! Anyway, we went to wash-up after some briefing thing
I think, and then we had our dinner. Oh and, no, the food wasn't exactly nice
or anything, but at least we survived on it. People like Zane didnt really eat,
while people like JunYuan were like vacuum cleaners. No offence though.
Anyway, at night we had this 'kidnapping' game thingy, where one
of our
group members had to be taken away and tied to a plastic chair,
while we, had to run all over the campsite doing activities just hoping
to get the two correct 'keys' to free our member. Group 16 took ages but
we managed to free LiangKai anyway. Yup, he was the poor guy tied to the chair. Smiling, by the way.
After that, we had our supper. I think? Hahas.
Then we went to brush our teeth etc and the girls slept in dorm 12.
Imagine, dorm 13 is just right behind it. Freaky.
Anyway I didnt have a bed, so Mich, Joyce and I shared two beds.
Poor me, because I was stuck between my two good friends who were
molesting each other while I sat up to talk to Siti. Hahas.
Anyway, the instructors and ex-seniors kept coming in to check on
us at like, the last minute. Siti smuggled food to camp, see. We were like
passing food around, and just when Michelle and I wanted to
eat Siti's Chips Ahoy, we had to hide it in our sleeping bags cause
the seniors suddenly came in. Gemima(sp?sorry) tapped me on my shoulder
to tell me to get a beach bed instead, and not share the beds with Mich and Joyce, but we all pretended to be asleep. Hahas. It was so hilarious though.
Anyway, we couldn't really sleep, but we slept in the end.
Yup.

DAY 2
Woke up at 5.12AM when my alarm was set at 5.45AM.
It was pretty noisy in the dorm. So anyway, we got up and did
our morning thing -brushing lah, what are you thinking!? XD-
Had morning exercise. The run was cancelled cause the ground was wet.
We did what, Buddha Claps or something. Really tiring, cause we had to
keep re-doing it. Then we had our breakfast, which was hot-dog bun
that tasted pretty fake. And, then we headed out to the beach area, or
say, the bridge joining SJI and this other island -I forgot the name-
It was for class bonding. One hour of it. Which led to more than one
hour by the way. Anyway me and Siti and Xin Ning and Moira I
think just slacked at the rocks and Mr Law came to take a picture of us.
When it was time to go back, the seniors told us to go and see
the cats near the 'village' area. It's just houses though, with all the umm, Bangladesh people living there.
I AM NOT RACIST. Im just saying, okay.
Anyway, we got back to the 'cage' and had our SURVIVOR game.
Our first task: CATERPILLAR.
The activity that will forever make me remember
our Sec 3 camp. The one activity that made me cry too.
We had to climb a 20m slope with our butts on the ground and legs
locked with one another's. Our hands and spirit were the only things
that helped us up. It was really painful, 'cause the ground was awfully
rough with all the stones and such, and Vanessa kinda kicked my back
everytime we moved up. It hurt a lot so I cried..yeah. The girls
finished with lots of bruises and cuts on our hands. A few of us cried,
and I remember Vanessa coming to Michelle and I, and we all just started
crying even more. Yeah, and it was really thanks to the guys, who
finished first, and Adlan and the other instructors, AND our GIRL SPIRIT
that helped us girls to move up the slope. The encouragement and the perserverance.
I don't know why, but I think if that short moment was made into a movie clip,
I would'be started crying like mad too,
'cause it would've felt really touching.
In the end, we made it. So yes, we just rocked there yeah.
Even though right now I know, the class was only united there,
we rocked there. And that memory will be etched into my mind, forever.
Anyway, next we went to the next activity which was to have 6 feet, 5 hands,
1 butt and 1 head on the ground, with all 20 of us in the group.
We didnt have much time, so Adlan made it simpler for us.
Anyway, after that we had lunch. Then we moved to have some practice time
for our campfire night performance. Which included hakka, dance and cheer.
After that we had our casualty challenge, where we had to go to the beach
and Cornelis and LiangKai were blindfolded, Michelle, Vanessa and Lee Qing
had to be tied together at the ankles, Siti and I carrying a
pail of sea water with a wooden stick without touching the pail at all,
all the way back to our activity venue -not the beach, that is- and
all of us had to walk back singing any song without stopping.
Yup. And after that we had the water bomb competition with 3C and 3H.
3H won the first round, and 3J the second.
Then the best from each class of the three
competed with the teachers and seniors.
Students won, yay!
And Mr Lian is so mean. He was out but kept coming back into the game.
Grr, period.
After the game anyway, we went to bathe.
Ohoh, we used the instructor's toilets
which had this shower curtain as the door to each shower cubicle,
and mind you, the cubicle dividers are really short.
It definitely wasnt safe bathing beside Natasha or Michelle, but yes.
Hahas.
Hee.
Umm the normal female toilets were just disgusting.
Im sorry, but most of the flushes weren't working,
there were insects everywhere, and it was just. Gross.
Sorry. ANYWAY, thank God im alive and clean now.
And yes, the toilet was really packed on the 2nd day.
Long queue outside.
After we bathed, we had our dinner.
Then we went to rehearse for our performance,
AND CAMPFIRE NIGHT began!
We were the second class to perform, and I think we rocked it!
Hahas. There weren't any prizes for best class or anything,
but we all really enjoyed ourselves. Yup.
Oh, if you wanna hear our cheer, look up Mich's blog.
-Yes, i'll relink you. -
Ohoh, I love 3h's performance. They did their dance with the song,
'Xi Shua Shua'and it was just oh-so-cute lah!
After all the fun, our camp commandant, Chief Veronica,
took us back to memory lane where we had our reflections.
It was a really touching period of time when the instructors
one by one came up to speak to their group/class.
We just started crying, and my tears couldn't stop falling
when the last instructor to speak, said this:
"As you look up into the sky, you see no stars.
Why? Because all the stars are sitting down here."
It was really really an emotional moment and I
think that the camp was just really WOW and
thanks to Adlan and Mei Qi, that I had such a fun time
for once in my life for camp, that I enjoyed myself, and
just wanted to relive the whole 3 days again.
:)

DAY 3
Woke up at 5.52AM.
I think everyone woke up late, hahas.
We packed our stuff upon and getting up,
did our morning thing,
and went to gather at the BB court.
Had breakfast, and then had area cleaning.
I think we were all really glad that we weren't
cleaning the toilets and such. All we
had to do was to fold the bedsheets and pillowcases.
Yup. Then it was our final debrief, and as Chief Veron
passed down the evaluation forms, most of us wrote
little notes to Adlan and Mei Qi behind the paper.
Gosh I really miss them! And im sorry that I didnt get to say
a last goodbye. -sigh- But yeah, I got Adlan's friendster!
Hahas. I miss Mei Qi and her cute enthusiasm.
They two instructors really rocked our camp upside down,
just like our cheer said.
If either of you stumbles upon this post,
-though I pretty much doubt so-
I just want to say a last
THANK YOU, FOR EVERYTHING THAT YOU'VE
DONE FOR US. THE JOY, THE LAUGHTER AND THE SMILES.
THE ENCOURAGEMENT, THE CARE AND THE HARDSHIP.
I'LL REMEMBER ALWAYS THIS SEC 3 CAMP,
FOR HIGH ACHIEVERS, FOR THE MEMORIES.
THANK YOU AND I LOVE YOU BOTH! :)

----Thats it for Sec 3 Camp----3rd-5thMarch'o8----

Yup.

Back to school on Wednesday afternoon. Saw Emily, huggged her. Then off we went to find Ms Abidah. Seniors -sec 3s- didnt go for Drama that day. Had lunch at the hawker centre outside school with Nana, Aloy, Rara, Keith and Farina. Talked for a while after lunch, then cabbed with Nana and Farina, who dropped off first, then Nana dropped me off at Kembangan MRT station where I Bus 42-ed and walked home in the wrenched rain. And call me a pig, but once I got home and bathed, I totally knocked out til 5.45AM Thursday morning. Went to school, and Joey, Xin Ning, Moira and Emily were absent. The teachers went like, "Why is Emily absent when she didnt even go for the camp?!" Yes, Emily. TSKTSK. Hahas. Anyway, cheer up okay? You made it that far into the Nationals already anyway. Its good enough. :)

Friday was Meet-The-Parents Session for apparently, all levels. Mum came to see Mr Law, and refused to see my other subject teachers. TSK. Anyway, I passed, yay, but only got a total of 3As. Which also means im still barred from attending Church. My Math subjects both got me a C. Hahas. Like Mr Law said, while im good with language, I suck at Math. Getting an A1 for Biology in Term 1 is easy, but B4 for Chemistry just doesnt measure up. Anyway, left school then with my Mum, got bubble tea, then we went to TM and had lunch. Teppanyaki. Not the Sakae Teppanyaki, though I very much wished I had a chance to eat there, the one at TM basement. Walked around for a while, then went to meet Nana -Nadia.C, sorry- at Tampines MRT station. As usual, she said my mum looked 30 when she met her. Then mummy went home, while we girls went to school. Yes, BACK TO SCHOOL. For debate. Went around the whole school trying to find Hui Xuan and Jirapa, but we ended up sitting in the canteen chatting with Mr Rashidi til Mdm Wong came to shoo us to our bus to Westwood Secondary. Singapore Secondary Schools Debating Championship-Division lll, Preliminary Round 2- 6PM Motion: This House believes that Academic Scholarships should only be given to those in financial need. Proposition Team : Hua Yi Secondary, against the Opposition Team: St. Hilda's Secondary....We Win! :) And Nana was the best speaker! Yay! We only won by 0.5 marks though. Bleah. Anyway, we won. Hahas. And im pretty worried for round 3, 'cause I suck at rebuttals and if we're the opposition, I have to rebut either way. And if our scores arent high enough, we won't be able to get into the semi-finals. So guys, pray for us yeah. Pray for Nana, Sean and me. Thanks in advance if you're going to. :)

Anyway, Saturday I didnt go for tuition. Met Rara and Aloy at the station and we trained down to Redhill and waited for Su-Lynn with Gabriel, and then we bused down to River Valley High school. Story Challenge 2008. The one I got a COP for last year? Yes. They did well, but both the team and Gabriel didnt get in. Nana couldnt make it, so she was disqualified. Yeah. But oh, the teams were really entertaining. The sec ones from the other schools were like, cute but..umm. Haha ANYWAY, we left the school after getting their COPs, and went to IKEA and had lunch there. Then we went to Subway at AnchorPoint, opposite IKEA, and I bought Subway cookies. One for me, one for Aloy and Gab. You know, their 3 for $2.90 thing? Heh. Anyway, FUNNY. we took this feeder bus to Queenstown MRT station from the bus-stop outside AnchorPoint, and we were all worried whether we had to pay and whether it was safe to take the bus. It was safe anyway, and then we took a lift up to the station, and I was the last to finish my cookie, so I brought it into the lift with me.

Rara went : "I can smell your cookie lah."
Then Aloy went : "I smell you."
Me and Rara : -huh? faces-
Aloy : "COOKIE!"

Hahas. It's just super hilarious. Anyway, yeah. Went out with mummy today. To JP. Of all places, Juroung point. Which is super farrrrrrrr away from my house, obviously. Anyway, I spent like ages in Comics Connection looking for more Toushirou Hitsugaya stuff and I think my mum started to get restless. Bought a few camisoles for fun at Bossini's anyway, then we left to Tiong Bahru plaza after realizing that there wasnt much at JP. Bought the piggy keychain for Asirah, Jasveen and Joyce. Yup. For M.Jsquare.A.C. Went to Comics Connection again, and I was contemplating for five minutes just standing there, on whether or not I should buy Hitsugaya's sword in keychain. Then my mum dragged me out of the store. Hahas. Sorry, im just crazy over him and Abarai Renji. From Bleach, anime, if you are clueless at the moment. Which reminds me, im sorry Sean, and I do hope you're reading this. Please don't find me a nag, but you still owe me my BIRTHDAY present. And discuss with Clarence to give the pig you both gave a name. Its nameless and I always make sure my plushies have a name so yeah. :)

And I should be sleeping because I have Drama at 10AM so -do the Sean way-
TOODLES!~

2008-02-26T22:55:00.003+08:00

So it hurts. To think I thought bliss when I saw your smiling face. Sometimes im really stuck and don't know what to do, and something just lifts me off my feet to tell me its all true.

Crap, I don't know!

2008-02-25T22:28:00.003+08:00

Happy belated birthday Aloyscious!

Not like i'd really bother, but here I am anyway. Received my E Math Common Test result today and suprisingly, I passed! Yayee. Heh. 23/40. A mere pass but definitely better than failing the paper. Praise God anyway! Hee. Another suprising thing that happened today was when Mr Rashidi annouced our class participation marks during Pure Lit class today. I got 9, which is only one mark below from last year. Its pretty amazing actually, since I haven't gone 'rara' during lessons. Unlike last year, and Emily said she noticed the difference too. Hahas. I know that I have been pretty quiet during Lit classes, other than laughing out pretty loudly or scolding Sean. Mr Rashidi said that I got 9 for commenting, not that I remembered doing so. Whatever the case, YAY! Hahas. So I guess I just have to be like last year again and score full marks since its counted for our exams! *grins*

I don't really have much to say, other than the fact that I wish to strain that Queenstown Shopping Centre might not be an isolated place. Since I met Avryl and Joey there on Saturday. Went to buy Aloy's birthday present. Wanted to get him a jacket, but they suprisingly only had hoodies. So I got him a tee instead. Stayed back for SYF briefing today, then slacked around in the studio while I watched the StoryChallenge participants practise. I am glad that im not participating this year. Hee. Ohoh, will be posting up some pictures soon when I have the time. So it won't just be all words here. Camp's next week. At St.John's island. Which im really not looking forward to, cause the toilets don't have doors and there are hornets with dirty bedsheets. I know I sound like some spoiled brat, but there's been a lot of things going on in my mind lately. So I think im gonna be a bit of a rebel for a while. Other than being, 'emo'. Math tuition starts this week. Which means that I can see Lynn, since we're going for it together. Hopefully tuition will help me pass my E&Add Math with flying colours. Yes I know thats not exactly possible right now, but im trying to have faith in myself, okay! So ya.

NOTE: I am not hyper. I am NOT the girl who skips around 24/7. Gawd.

Okay, shall end here then. Im getting bored of posting. Though I rather much do so here than in livejournal where I haven't done two of my USSWs. HEE. *grins widely* Oh, wish me luck for my Chemistry results tomorrow! Hope I don't fail. A1! Oh yeah, I got 68/100 for Chinese. Which sucks, just so you know. Ja na.

The boy downstairs; it has become difficult for me to count the number of blushing moments and aftermaths. You never fail to bring me up and drop me down. Still, hard to figure.

2008-02-21T16:52:00.005+08:00

18 days of not posting. I've thought of shutting down the blog, but that'll be pretty impossible since I'll need it from time to time anyway.

ANYWAY, where I left off was the CNY period. Not much to say, just that Suman sang really entertainingly during our school CNY concert, and we got the first prize for class decor. I have no idea why really, since I was the one who totalled up the scores and I knew we wouldn't stand much of a chance. But we did, anyway. Didn't do much visiting, not like I would be since..yeah. The all-time favourite after-CNY question : How much did I get from my red packets? 100bucks in total. Yeah. Actually 104, but I gave the 4bucks away. Personal reasons. Heh. Ummm, lets see. Oh, did I mention I was in our school's debate team? Don't remember, but anyway I am, and we lost our first preliminary round against Manjusri Secondary. It seemed like a pretty biased judgement, but well, comments were kept closed among four walls, so yeah. We had fun though, Nadia, Sean, Hui Xuan, Jane, Eugene and I. 3 Secondary three and 3 Secondary two students, 3 councillors and 3 non. ANYWAY, after debate, Mdm Wong treated us to Sakae Sushi at Century Square. We all squeezed around one table, and there was loads of salmon. *grins* Hmmm. -look im just keeping things short, kay? =]-

Common Test week was this week. We had like, 4 subjects in a day. What the hell, right? I mean, we might have pretty sufficient time to -blah- between papers, but cramming 4 into one day is just crazy. Besides, we still had to stay back for SPA briefing after our Bio paper. Almost everyone was about to fall asleep. Mrs Chan BH was the one giving the briefing though, and im intimidated by her, but she's really cute! Like really cartoon! Hahas. Ummm. Monday was our Social Studies, English, Add. Math and Biology paper. Tuesday was Chemistry followed by E. Math and then Chinese.

I have a feeling that im gonna fail my E Math paper. It was really just crap, and I only knew how to do two questions which totalled up to 11marks out of 40. Add Math paper was pretty easy, and I didn't know how to do one question only. Still, I didn't have enough time to check my paper, so that probably led to a lot of my careless mistakes and whatnots. I got a 29/40 for it. Benedict's one lucky chap, he was so worried, but he got a 30. An A1 mark on the line. Im jealous. Hahas. Ummm, English paper was crap too. Really difficult yet interesting passage. I should fail. Notice I itallics-ed it. Social Studies paper was practically just DEMORALIZING. For the first time in my whole life, I couldn't find a difference in our SBQ. Im like, "Grr, damn it." -I need to start being like Mr Rashidi and say darn it instead. But, oh well.- Then uh, Chinese was a really easy paper, but at the same time really difficult to answer its questions. I managed a 30half/50 though. So yeah. Mrs Tan says Aloy, Ben and I got a B4 and above. Im hoping she's not lying. Chemistry wasn't easy, and Mrs Ho says that only 60% out of 42 students passed. I hope im one of them. *shrugs* Bio paper, was a disappointment, even though I really loved the last page of our paper. 'Cause I got full marks for that one, haha. Though, I deproved by 2 marks, with a 22/25. So that makes 46/50 in total. Yay. So far the only paper I cried about was Literature. I failed the first one with a disappointing 9/25, and this time I only got a 16. So I teared a bit, heh. To think Literature was my best subject in Secondary 2. I guess things are really different now. -sigh- I hope my overall marks are okay though. Mr Law says I got 8/10 for our pretty difficult History SBQ test, so I hope thats a good thing. And that he isnt lying. 'Cause I honestly don't trust teachers anymore. And oh! I think the class is beginning to like Mrs Wong as she's really funny.

Hmm. I don't know when will be the next time i'll blog, but oh well. Soon, perhaps.

The boy downstairs; and I smiled like crazy in my heart. 11th, 13th, 14th, 15th, 19th, 21st February. Monday awaits. Yet, those windows tell me nothing.

2008-02-03T19:47:00.000+08:00

Soft and squishy. :) Scrambled eggs!

Sorry, im feeling a little random right now. Anyway, can I just please exaggerate the fact that FRIENDSTER.COM HATES ME!?! The site's really pissing me off lah. My internet connection is working just fine, but the site doesn't show half the time! A-N-N-O-Y-I-N-G. Tsk. Now that I think about it, I don't remember why I actually bothered creating an account on friendster. Hmmm. Maybe its because everyone used to. Its called me being part of the flock of sheep, not that I intend to now anyway, if you get what I mean.

Three tests this week, two tomorrow and Chemistry on Tuesday. I'll most probably fail the one on Chemistry since I hadn't really bothered studying it even after classes. There's Literature and History tomorrow, precisely the exact two subjects we're not going to study for our Common Test. So I guess the essay tomorrow most probably counts, summing it up as a whole. -sigh- Now WE realise that Pure Literature might not be so easy after all. Luckily tomorrow's History test is just on SBQ, so I don't really need to study anything.

My sister has finally decided what she's going to do. Which is, retaking her O's. Just E Math though, but she wants to take up Combined Chemistry and Biology instead of her usual Physics. Which is in any case good for her, cause she would then have my notes and be able to stay with the family instead of moving to the States. She's not taking ACCA too. Yayee! She was complaining how my father kept his mouth wide open at her, complaining things he said before approx. a thousand times. Which also then reminds me that when my time comes next year for the O's, i'll have to keep my ears shut. Plainly put, i'll be his next target for complain sessions. He keeps saying how much we listen to our mother than listen to him. Guess what? I don't intend on listening to either one. No matter how much they say, there still won't be peace or like a treaty thing. Im gonna be a BIG BIG GIRL and make my own decisions. The only thing they're fighting about is me going to college or poly at the moment anyway. Who knows i'll end up going to NAFA or something. Okay fine, that probably won't happen since im not interested. Psych!

-sigh- I still need to do our history homework before I can really continue to study Lit for tomorrow. Should have asked Joel to do it laaaaa. I feel mean though, cause us girls always throw things to him. Hahah. He's the only boy in our group see, so yeah. I still remember what Michelle told him during History class the other day:"If the computer doesn't work, ITS YOUR FAULT AH JOEL!".

Anywayyyyyyy. I am a SUPER PIGG! Hahas, as in like I am seriously a total pig lah can. I slept from 4+AM this morning to 5:08PM this evening. Thats approx. 13 hours of sleep. Heh. Secondary 3 life is really just busybusybusy. Upcoming events incude the Debate thing, ArtsTreatDay, Common Tests and Sports Day. Well yes, Sports Day is a very important day to me, since its the only day when im competing on track. So yes, im gonna be really packed! Hopefully I have time to study though. My studies have to be made my first priority, of which it isn't yet, not that I actually even know what my first priority at the moment is. Thus so anyway, my notes and music awaits me. Au revoir, I might not be posting til the CNY holidays unless something major crops up in my life. Though, tag aites? =]

I didn't feel anything when I saw the email. Im just puzzled because I remember being anonymous.

2008-02-02T00:13:00.000+08:00

I really feel like giving up. I am so so tired, its just so stressful right now. All of a sudden I feel like I made the wrong decisions, and the many mistakes are just beginning to tear my life apart. And for him, maybe I should really just stop thinking about it. Nothing is going to happen anyway. Talking to him could be one of my goals but now that I think about it, its just so childish. He probably knows my existence but doesn't notice me anyway, so I should just stop being all sad about him not looking in my direction. Besides, everyone has got a life. They aren't obliged to do what you wish for them to.

I want to BE happy. I want to feel content with how my life is. That for every loss and failure, there is a gain and success in part of my life, one way or another. I want to feel that im doing okay, im doing good. I want to know that I can do it, I can take another step forward, and with each step comes greater confidence. I want to be the salt and light in the marketplace, be a likeable person, be someone who people can be proud of.

I am going to stop wallowing in self-pity, just stop blaming myself for every wrong I have done, stop being over-emotional, emotionally distracted, and definitely STOP thinking so much.

I had a bad bad dream last night. I could once again hear them shouting at each other's throats, fighting, getting hurt. And all I could do was just hide in a corner and cry. Cry because I felt so useless at that time, felt like it was all because of me. Felt like maybe I shouldn't have been born at all, and not create all those problems for them. They would have to feed one less person, buy clothes and educate one less person, and love one less person. Now, its about the same thing. I feel as if im loved less. Its not complete, and somehow I feel like it will never be.

2008-01-30T23:00:00.000+08:00

-sigh- Tomorrow's Cross-Country. Im really not looking forward to it, but yeah. I don't exactly have a choice but to compete anyway. It's been a pretty moody week for me so far, and every day might have times when im full of smiles and laughing like crazy, but there's still the times when the 'emo' me would just pop out.

To be honest, there's really been a lot on my mind lately. Stuff on my family, my studies, my friends, coping with my own problems really stresses me out. With the fact that im falling behind in class during Math and Chemistry periods, I don't think its going to be all that easy to get through the year.

Oh, and. School's been pretty normal except that Mrs Wong is really annoying, and yeah. Not much lah huh. I don't really know what to blog, really. There's too much on my mind, I can't find the right words to place.

I realised you haven't been on my mind much lately, even though I still remember what we used to do, or at least, what you did for me.

Its no more the guy with the obvious brown hair, 'cause I honestly don't know how long more will it be til I see you again.

Truth be told, I really don't have the time to think about boys. Hahas! Im serious, okay. I mean like, the only person im worrying about is the boy downstairs, whom of which I always feel so insecure being around him. -sigh- Forces of attraction, huh. I wanna like my books more.

'Cause there's a lot that I don't know, and there's a lot that I can feel

2008-01-27T19:37:00.000+08:00

I guess no matter how you look at something, the feeling just keeps bugging you. Being judgemental, especially on the first encounter, isn't something to one's advantage. No matter how I can smile away the feeling, there's still much about you I want to know about. Call it detective work, but im seriously very interested.

2008-01-26T14:44:00.000+08:00

Yo. Hahas im back to finish up what I left behind in the morning. Speaking about morning, I woke up late! I set my alarm from 6.30-7AM, but I didn't wake up til Rachel.g called me on my handphone! Hahas, ooops. I slept after 4.30AM anyway, and I AM a real pig so its probably expected. The run was bad today though. The guys were pushing me -not literally, lah- but I kept stopping. 30mins for less than 4.3km really sucks.

So anyway, back to school. Lessons are pretty much boring, but I think English&Pure Lit periods are those with the most noise. Oh, and I love Thursdays! 'Cause there are 3 periods of Pure Lit, and SPA for both Chemistry and Biology. However unfortunately, most of our Thursdays will be taken up thanks to school events like CROSS-COUNTRY. Of which I will be running again! -On the verge of tears- Maybe i'll end up getting the 37th position this year. I dropped 10positions down from 17th in Sec 1 last year so who knows? I might again. Im beginning to like going for Chinese class now, realise its not liking the class/lesson but going for it. Hee. Its an inside thing. Anyway, gosh I don't know what to say, hahah! Umm. Was absent from school for the first half on Wednesday due to a check-up I had to go at the hospital. Met Xin En like last year and went together. Lucky me, I have been discharged back to school. =] Oh yeah, its for my spine. The boys in class -Ben&Glen- were saying that I went to the hospital to abort Sean's baby. Like, DOTS. Hahas.

Anyway, Wednesday was Michelle's birthday! That lucky girl got so many presents. Then Thursday was Courtney's and Friday was Herman's! =] Yup. Soon I will be officially broke cause I intend on buying something for Aloyscious on his birthday. -sigh- I doubt im gonna bother to countdown to my birthday. Its called, having to wait another year. Well, at least for those not born in the leap year.

Oh yeah. I need to go prepare my portfolio for the CreativeArtsProgram things now, so au revoir. I don't have the -...- to blog right now. Besides, I used up some bits of inspiration on writing a song for Rachel at her place just now. In less than 1.5hours, I think im good. Hahas. The song is retarded but yeah well. =]

'Cause I couldn't see, and I couldn't tell. If the smile you had was meant for me. And I don't intend on letting you know, until I cannot control. So seeyou around on Monday, and make me smile again.

2008-01-26T02:12:00.000+08:00

Hello. Its 2.19AM in the morning and i've to meet Rachel.g at 7.10 for a run at Bedok Reservoir. Which sucks 'cause I can't sleep right now. Slept in the evening til about 10pm yesterday, hoping to get rid of my SERIOUSLY AWFUL oblivous eyebags, BUT. Unfortunately, they are still so darn obvious its pissing me off. Not that it pisses me off as much as Mrs Wong does. She's really good at putting the blame on her students and is pretty deaf, really. But yeah, I shall refrain myself from nagging/whining/complaining about teachers now that im Secondary 3. Though, hahas, thats gonna take a while.

Anywayy, so I haven't updated my blog in a bit. I can't help it, since the computer in my room is like, not working, and I can't use the one in the study room if my sister keeps on sleeping in there. So here I am, using my mother's notebook and hoping nothing wrong happens to this aged device. Oh, and please don't bug/remind me that I haven't updated my blog since -whenever-. I have been deprived of the opportunity to blog for countless times, not mentioning the fact that I have too, been pretty lazy. So yeah. *smiles* Talk about school anyway, which is really dreadful..I kinda have that perpetual feeling of tiredness and disgust now. Every day of school passes like, the speed of light, metaphorically speaking. I can't believe we're on to the 5th week of school now. 4 more weeks til week 8 and its the CA period which will really drain me out, I think. No scratch that, I don't have to think. I know already. Anyway, had some tests in the last two weeks. Don't remember and don't intend on remembering what I wrote in my last post, so im just just gonna say I FAILED MY FIRST E-MATH test of the year. Which really sucks but led me to feel somewhat neutral about getting 3/20 of it. Yeah, amazing huh. 3 out of 20. I am, A PRO. By the way, I meant that sarcastically if you COULDN'T notice. Anyway, had the retest for it after lit class on Thursday, and I think I failed that one again too. Most probably improved though. But thats totally not the point here. I CANNOT believe I failed Indices. *sniffs* Oh well, im praying I passed the Add Math test we had the other day. There's another one on Monday, so I really hope i'd do well for that one too. Hmmm. Passed Bio test, lowest is 17/25 in class which is an obvious pass so yeah. Passed Chem test too, praise GOD, I got a 13/20. Yeah..oh and I got a 22 for my holiday essay assignment. Yayee. I mean, 22 for the shortest essay ever written in my whole life is really good. To me, at least.

To sum up my life on the academics part at the moment, im just struggling with e math and uh, CHEMISTRY. Gosh, Chemistry periods are crazy. They are not just boringly mundane, but the lesson just goes a bit too fast for a "slow" student like me. -sigh- Been studying quite a bit and making notes a lot lately, and since my sister received back her O'level results, my mother has been repeating to me all the stuff on being hardworking, working for the goal etc. I really dread the times when she starts talking to me about such things and its like, I don't exactly have very broad shoulders. If you get what I mean. Its so stressful, especially when all hopes are pinned onto me. Its like slow murder. Or rather, that the kill has already been made and its the slow death that tortures.

Anyway, I have to go or my mother is gonna nag which doesn't sound anywhere near better than the music in my mp3s. Of which I failed to mention, I NEED A NEW MP3. I think I really suck at handling mp3s by the way. They keep failing on me after a year. Maybe thats why they usually leave it a one-year warranty thing, but anyway, yeah. Okay, au revoir. Shall blog again soon, I promise. That'd be on about this week. But in any case whatsoever I fail to blog by next week, then. Too bad.